And my two main female friends have families of their own, which they of course prioritise. Once people have children, grandchildren, etc., friends tend to move lower down the priority ladder.
Of course they will always prioritize their children, grandchildren, spouse, sister, mother, etc. This hurts me so much and I need to rant about it, because when you say friends move down the ladder, I think they usually move so far down that they are not even on the ladder, unless it was a best friend, where they felt we were "like a sister".
For example, for their child they would re-mortgage the house, sell their second car, stay up all night at their bedside, etc. I keep finding these people won't even lend me $30, drive me somewhere, etc. They won't even do one thousandth for me.
Then again, I don't think I deserve it anyway, because I have poor skills with people, and I probably never did them a favor, or it was so long ago or so small that they forgot.
But that gets me so mad too. They think the favor I did them was not much, but for me it was a lot. Nobody thinks of it that way, usually. Like, I picked them up something. They think that was no big deal because it's not a big deal to most people. Most people that was maybe 1/500th of their energy that day. To me it was like 1/25th of my energy. So then when they did me a favor that used 1/25th of their energy, they are feeling like I do nothing in return.
Someone who is healthy, if they were reading this, would think that I was complaining about something little. It's not little, because favors like that seem to be the currency of friendship. I'm broke and I can only offer a few small things.
I think sick people, if we are poor, can only do certain things. We can listen and help them with encouragement. But I feel that the listening gets undervalued. They would feel it's nothing compared to them bringing me food. Now they feel like I owe them.
What dooms me the most is that I'm not even good at the emotional support. I try and sometimes I'm good enough, but I also say the wrong things a lot, or can't say anything at all. So now I'm not as good to be around as their other friends, because I am bad with words.
There are a few other ways I try to help people, and half the time they appreciate those things, but I feel like the currency is a good analogy. My currency is worth so much less to them, when I don't think it should be, but everyone seems to think so, besides me.
Also, another things that gets me upset. Some of these supposed friends not doing small things for me, I said above I don't think I deserve it. That's partly true. I mean I don't think I "earned" it with friendship currency. But I think I deserve it because I'm a human being, and I don't see how these people can watch a fellow human struggle like that. Especially if they claim to be a friend. They'd probably help a stranger, but I feel a lot of the time they don't help me. In fact I know that two of these people were doing volunteer work, helping other people by doing free labor. But they wouldn't like helping me as much, I'm sure.
I don't think I'm being too hard on myself. It's the reality. I have seen over and over how people do not think what I offer is worth as much. Maybe I will find "better" people somewhere someday.
(I do have one understanding ill online friend.)
I'm sorry for ranting on. I think it helps if I rant about it.
Now I'm too scared to even try friendships, even online friendships are hard to keep up with. I hate when other people complain, and don't want to do anything to change their circumstances, but I'm so tired right now.
I am too busy handling some really bad things in my life too. I wish I could just pause life for a while. I wish I could go into a coma, but without having lost some of my things when I wake up.
