extremely depressed...just feel like dying

[hurtingallthetimet]

just need to vent..im so tired of being ill..im so depressed i just dont even want to get out of bed..in fact i dread having to get up and go through another day...i know i shouldnt say that but its the truth i cant help how i feel..everyday the pain and exhuastion is there..and its been so much worse since trying to do anytihng for the holidays and i do very very little but the least little thing wears me out even more..

i am on depression medications but i just feel so lifeless and drained....i hate the huge weight gain and i cant seem to loose any wieght...hate that i am such a burden on family and cant go out and do things...just at this age in my life i really thought things would be great and i feel like i am struggleing more than ever...in every way...i just wish some good things would happen for once in awhile...

just so drained...keep getting more and more ill...

 

[Nielk]

just need to vent..im so tired of being ill..im so depressed i just dont even want to get out of bed..in fact i dread having to get up and go through another day...i know i shouldnt say that but its the truth i cant help how i feel..everyday the pain and exhuastion is there..and its been so much worse since trying to do anytihng for the holidays and i do very very little but the least little thing wears me out even more..

i am on depression medications but i just feel so lifeless and drained....i hate the huge weight gain and i cant seem to loose any wieght...hate that i am such a burden on family and cant go out and do things...just at this age in my life i really thought things would be great and i feel like i am struggleing more than ever...in every way...i just wish some good things would happen for once in awhile...

just so drained...keep getting more and more ill...

I'm really sorry you are feeling so down and hopeless. It's a valid emotion for all the pain and frustrations that this illness brings. I have felt the same way many times. We are only human and to feel sick chronically day in and day out for a long time is a very trying and difficult situation. I understand and care about how you feel. wish I can make it better for you. We are really being tested with this suffering. I hope that you start having some better days so that you can pull yourself out of this dark hole. Has the antidepressant helped you at all? I know that some people are helped by them but, others, like me - antidepressants just made me feel more depressed. I wouldn't want to advise you about this because #1 I'm not a doctor and #2 we each react differently to medications. The only thing I can say is that you are a very important person and we care about your well being as I'm sure your family and friends cherish you.

When one is in pain, it skews your thinking and all one can think about is ending the pain. It is understandable.
I too feel guilty about being a burden on my family but, when you really think about it, this makes no sense because we are not the ones making ourself sick. It is not our fault!
We are the victims. Our familly feels bad for us.

I also think that this time of the year is very difficult. There is so much to do and the fact that we can't only agravates things. We get stressed out and in turn feel worse.
You have to give yourself a break. Be good to yourself. Maybe watch a comedy on TV. It's very important to stay calm and relaxed. Anything that you can think of that usually calms you down should be used now. Whether it's taking a warm bath, reading poetry or listening to music of you choice. By lowering your stress level, it should improve a bit the severity that you feel right now.

I wish and pray that you feel better.

Nielk

 

[Sallysblooms]

I am very sorry. We are hear for you. I hope you can find help and feel better.

 

[Ocean]

I'm really sorry. I hope you will feel better soon. Do you have a counselor or anything to talk to? Any chance you need different more effective antidepressants? Have you tried therapy at all to help you cope with the emotional effects of this illness? If you don't want to get out of bed because of how bad you feel physically, maybe you should stay in bed and let your body rest. It may help take some of the emotional stress off too if your body can recuperate a bit. If it's purely a depression issue, I hope you will be able to find help for it. And remember like Neilk said, you can't help being sick. I too feel guilty for how my sickness affects my family or in my case my husband, but we also have no control over that. It's not our fault that we're sick, try to remember that. You are as much a victim of this circumstance as they are. I hope there will be some resource, comfort, support somewhere that you can find. I am thinking of you and sending wishes for better days.

 

[hurtingallthetimet]

thank all of you for your kind replies and advice...im not sure the antidepresent is working but ive tried soooo many and its one that doesnt seem to have any side effects...i see a conselour which helps but i will probably have to stretch out the visits due to the cost of copays...i am in bed alot..or either laying on couch or have computer set up to where im comfortable..i just use to be so active...so busy..felt so productive..and i seem to keep getting worse and worse...doctor did a lupus test again which was normal...i keep telling the doctor i feel like im dying...its just so hard to beleive that these illness can be so devastating becasue of how alot of people act towards them some doctors dont believe in them think its in peoples heads etc...

just alot of stress and im sure it being the holdiays doesnt help...as i said ive done very little but it has worn me out doing that very little..my hubby is going through alot with his family...they are very stress causing people..they are the kind that would falsely report you for murder or anything...no kidding..they are constatnly starting rumours telling lies on each other..they are crazy..and they arent happy with him right now i dont want to go into details but bascailly they are angry for awhile about him trying to find his biological family member...and now im worried because i know what lies theyve told on each other to try to get fired or break up marriages and afraid what they might try to lie on us maybe try to get him fired or someting and i had to quit work..its all just so stressful

just alot of things wearing me down..just in one of those crying moods where i miss everything...i think what triggered it was a photo that my hubby had found when i was healthy and very happy...now im like a huge slug crawling around..
thanks again for letting me vent...guess i shouldnt look at any old pictures...i dont know how i can let go of the past when i was healthy and happy...i feel like my life is over and that it will never be good again...does anyone else feel like that? just feel gloom is all that there is anymore...

 

[Nielk]

Hopefully you will be that healthy person soon again. There is nothing wrong with a good crying spell. (I have a lot of experience with this). It's a good release and nothing to be ashamed of.
The way to get out of this abyss is ti hold on to HOPE. That's the only way. don't look back and don't look at how bad things seem right now. You have to hold on to the hope that you will get better and I have no doubt that you will. It sounds like there is a lot of strees going on in your life right now and probably the best thing for you is to rest your body and try not to dwell too much on the negative. Dream about better days abd what you would do then. Those dreams can see you through a rough patch. You can also be there emotionally for your husband. I find that the best way for me to get out of a rut is by trying to help someone else. By helping your husband cope, it will give you a positive feeling of doing something good and it will help with your suffering in turn.
Good luck

 

[Ocean]

I am in bed and on the sofa pretty much all the time too. Somehow so far I've been lucky to be able to accept this illness for the most part. I still have hope to improve too but I somehow don't think much about how things used to be or how much I've lost. I do feel that sense of loss but on an overall basis I don't dwell on it. I do have my down times though, I don't want to make it seem otherwise. I wish I had advice for how to not feel so bad about things. I just focus on what I can control (not very much unfortunately) and try to do things I can enjoy within my new reality. I think acceptance is key, but I have no advice on how to achieve it. If possible, try to take it easy and not push yourself in ways your body can't handle. Try to avoid the family drama as best you can. I cannot tolerate drama at all since getting sick. I am hoping you will feel better soon.

 

[Nielk]

I have been in this dark place that hurtingallthetimet describes. somehow I was lucky to eventually crawl out of it but, when my symptoms become very severe and besides being stuck in bed, I suffer from huge headaches, I find it hard to cope. Personally, I have recieved the greatest support from mebers of this forum. Thank you You are the only
ones who really get it and there are many caring individuals here. That's why I'm happy that hurtingallthetimet, feels comfortable to express herself here. It's so impoertant to feel understood. All of a sudden, you don't feel alone anymore and you see that others go through the same feelings. Like I said before, I don't want to advise but, for me personally, I was the most depressed when I was put on antidepressants. Being able to talk to someone is key. When i feel a little better, doing my art is very therapeutic but, when I'm in a mostly vegetative state, there is not much to do to get your mind off. I try reading spiritual books at those times and it does help me. There is something higher then just our bodies and to latch onto that part of us, I find is important. Also trying to take one day at a time helps because our minds automatically exageare things and we imagine how long we will have to suffer wih this. It become the big elephant in the room. If possible, just thinking about this one day and getting through it, can help. Baby steps.
I hope hutingallthetimet, that you are feeling better today.

 

[u&iraok]

Hang in there! I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. See if you can just make it through the holiday time and just accept that it will be difficult until then. Don't lose hope, hopefully you will find a treatment that will make you feel better.

Sometimes, adjusting your life each time you feel worse helps. Don't look at what you can't do or what you lost but say, this is my life, how can I adjust it to where I am now to make the most of it. That's helped me and also my friend with Lupus. She was so upset when she was told she couldn't be out in the sun at all and had to cover up completely. But then she adjusted as well as she could and goes out when she can and otherwise invites people over and also she bought some nice hats!

But, I'm sorry for giving advice if you don't need advice. Otherwise, I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

 

[snowathlete]

There is good work going on at the moment and there is a good change that a cure will come before too long. Not today, not tomorrow, but it will come.
When it does, you will get better, you will feel well again, and this current feeling will be a distant memory. So keep going, have hope!

Practically, in the meantime, how severely ill you are will limit what you can do. I find i cant do alot, but i can write, so i have started doing some writting. I cant do it everyday, and often i cant do much, but it helps me feel like i am doing something of value, and that helps me cope with the fact there is alot that i cannot do.

There may be other low energy things that people can suggest that might help, but as i said before, there is hope, so hold on tight to that and keep going!

 

[vli]

OP, I can totally relate and if you want to write to someone you're welcome to PM me anytime.

 

[hurtingallthetimet]

thank you all again for the kind words and understanding....i hate that anyone else is going through these horrible illness but it helps to be able to talk to others that understand...i know we all struggle with so much being ill...its just i really thought that i would start getting better by now {thats what one doctor told me i would get better until well that anyone with fibro/cfs would} and i found a good doctor but still i keep getting worse and worse...seems like as time goes by i look back at 6 months or a year ago and im not able to do as much as i did then..and it bothers me...i hate needing familys help to do the few things i can still do on my on like going shopping..it wears me out and i use to love it...i miss doing fun things with the family and working and have a social life...and as ive mentioned i hate the huge weight gain...its very embarassing for anyone to see me that ive not seen in awhile..i always get that shocked look when they look at me because i use to be so thin and fit...

i know everyone is dealing with so much pain and fatigue and i do appreciate the kind words and knowing that im not alone...it helps alot...thanks

 

[Snow Leopard]

i am on depression medications but i just feel so lifeless and drained....

By the way, if you are on anti-depressant medication and they aren't working, then you need to try something else. Did you know that SSRIs have never been demonstrated to be effective for depression in CFS patients, but the older MAOIs have? The only problem with the older MAOIs is that you have to avoid certain foods (fermented foods).

I don't have any solutions for the fatigue, but there are still ways to reduce your depression. I read an interesting sociology article the other day about the cultural model for dealing with illness in a "productive" society - "The John Wayne Model". Basically, fight it as hard as possible. The problem is that this model only works if you aren't actually disabled due to your illness. That is the irony of our cultural perspective on people with disabilities - they are heroes so long as they don't actually have disabled functioning in society. For those that have illness/disability that does actually reduce functioning, then we need to drop this cultural model and move to a more realistic model focusing on maximising supportiveness and quality of life rather than capitalist style production.

 

[*GG*]

just alot of stress and im sure it being the holdiays doesnt help...as i said ive done very little but it has worn me out doing that very little..my hubby is going through alot with his family...they are very stress causing people..they are the kind that would falsely report you for murder or anything...no kidding..they are constatnly starting rumours telling lies on each other..they are crazy..and they arent happy with him right now i dont want to go into details but bascailly they are angry for awhile about him trying to find his biological family member...and now im worried because i know what lies theyve told on each other to try to get fired or break up marriages and afraid what they might try to lie on us maybe try to get him fired or someting and i had to quit work..its all just so stressful
QUOTE]

Try to put some separation between your immediate family and the extended family. Are they supportive of you 2 otherwise? Sounds like he works for a family business or something, so this might be hard to do. He should try to practice leaving work, at work, and change gears when he gets home. Not easy to do, but it's for both of you (peace of mind).

GG

PS Not sure of your physical limitations, but I recall having a major flare up of symptoms over 2 years ago now. It was tough, I was in major pain and had lidocaine infused into my bloodstream, that helped knock the pain down 2 to 3 notches. I was depressed also, insomnia, but when I had a little energy I pushed myself to take little walks, it was not easy, but I think it helped, change of scenery, and I think a little of "exercise" is good when you are depressed, but with this illness, it's another major hurdle!

 

[*GG*]

I'm really sorry. I hope you will feel better soon. Do you have a counselor or anything to talk to? Any chance you need different more effective antidepressants? Have you tried therapy at all to help you cope with the emotional effects of this illness? If you don't want to get out of bed because of how bad you feel physically, maybe you should stay in bed and let your body rest. It may help take some of the emotional stress off too if your body can recuperate a bit. If it's purely a depression issue, I hope you will be able to find help for it. And remember like Neilk said, you can't help being sick. I too feel guilty for how my sickness affects my family or in my case my husband, but we also have no control over that. It's not our fault that we're sick, try to remember that. You are as much a victim of this circumstance as they are. I hope there will be some resource, comfort, support somewhere that you can find. I am thinking of you and sending wishes for better days.

Good advice, I recall my first bout with depression with this illness. My doctors believed me, but it was nice talking to a professional that "got it" and thought well of me. Not sure how much my family gets it, don't live with them, and of course when I visit, I am usually doing alright, although I can go down for a nap for some time!

GG

 

[taniaaust1]

its just i really thought that i would start getting better by now {thats what one doctor told me i would get better until well that anyone with fibro/cfs would} and i found a good doctor but still i keep getting worse and worse...seems like as time goes by i look back at 6 months or a year ago and im not able to do as much as i did then..and it bothers me...

A doctor told me the same too. I was originally told I'd be better in 2 years. I think they think I had what used to be refered to as post viral syndrome. This whole thinking one is going to get better yet finding one isnt, I think just delays acceptance of the whole illness.

Im with what alex said to you. SSRIs arent too great for a lot of us and that many of us do better on the older form of antidepressant. Do see your doctor to see if you can try a different form.

 

[Ocean]

Hurtingallthetime, How long have you been sick? It's terrible that the doctor told you you'd be better when he has no real way of knowing that. My doctor has told me I could get better but that it's just an unknown. It's kind of hard for me to believe that I'll ever be back to normal but I do have hope for improvement at least. Anyway I'm sending you warm thoughts from here hoping that you will soon feel in better spirits despite the tough circumstances.

 

[snowathlete]

i hate the huge weight gain...its very embarassing for anyone to see me that ive not seen in awhile..i always get that shocked look when they look at me because i use to be so thin and fit...

I can relate to this too. I have put on about 3 stone since becoming ill with ME. and its basically because i cant exercise. Its embaresing and i find it hard, both with strangers and people i know.
I used to be so fit before and controlled my weight with exercise. I have promised myself that when i do eventually get well i will lose the weight and feel better about it. Hard in the meantime.

I can certainly recomend some counselling. The one good thing that the ME Clinics in the UK offer in my experience. I saw a Psycologist at one and we went through helping me to deal with the reality of being ill, and those limitations, but without letting them ruin me. It was very beneficial, and she understood that this was how she was helping me, not directly affecting the illness as some try to claim they do. So, if you can access one of these, or find another psycologist then its well worth it.

 

[hurtingallthetimet]

hello and thanks again for the advice and info...im not sure if what i am on is a ssri that was mentioned...i am on {not sure how to spell} citlataphram {sp?} ive heard it called a generic celexa...ive tried so many medications always side effects..this one doesnt cause alot of side effects the least of any antidepressant ive took but im still just feel like gloom and doom ahead always afraid of what is going to happen bad next..

ocean ive been sick since 2005 and worked as long as i could..tried to stay active etc...its like so many other peoples on here and another support baord im on but not alot go on it anymore...but like most it took awhile alot of test and doctors to find out what was wrong...i use to be very healthy compared to now...and ive just gone down hill month after month it seems...as i said i cant do what little i could 6 months or a year ago...

my life consist of the same over and over...i only drive certain places because of anxietys i only go to get shopping when family needs and to doctors...i hate to get out of the house anymore...when i do go shopping i run through store like a mad woman to get everything so i dont have to go back anytime soon and usually over do it and then have a bad crash...i do see counserlour and i really them theyve helped me alot and the counserlour suggested i do something i use to love..and i use to love garage sales so i tried going to a few and it was ok...but as always like most of you know theres the crash that comes after doing anytihng much..

i miss work so so badly...it was my social life...i miss buying my kids things...miss being independent...i feel like i have died does that make any sense? and what i am now someone in consist pain and fatigue a shell is what is left...so many other problems come with these illness and were maganifed...

i hate that these illness are so invisible and ive been made to feel embarassed for having these illness..

ggingues my hubby family thankfully doesnt live close to us and hes not in a family business work with them...but they have gotten mad at each other and told lies or i guess lies who knows on each other such as one sibling said the other sold and bought drugs..another tried to get one fired from their job..and another now saying one is cheating on spouse...and with them being angry at my hubby for trying to find biological family member..they come from a small town and one of his siblings and her husband know the pepole who run the city government etc. really well and they could start alot of trouble for someone if they wanted...theyve even boasted about it before ..and i worry over everything...im a worry wart...all the anxiteys and stress..but if one starts to talk to hubby about something negative about the other my hubby just tries to change subject..but they are very cruel people to say the least..

i know i shouldnt worry over everything but i do..im working with psych doctor and conselour on this...as i said its like so many other illness come with fibro/cfs and are magnigied so much..

 

[Valentijn]

hello and thanks again for the advice and info...im not sure if what i am on is a ssri that was mentioned...i am on {not sure how to spell} citlataphram {sp?} ive heard it called a generic celexa...

Citalopram (celexa) is an SSRI, which some people with ME/CFS have problems with. Are you taking any other medications or supplements/vitamins? Anything for pain?