Extreme Measures: Can one sue their family of origin?

[maddietod]

Wow Madie! What a drama. I'm so glad you managed to find freedom from the insanity of that dynamic, and reaped such sweet rewards in the process.

I'm wondering if you could articulate what you went through mentally and emotionally. It would be interesting to know more about this... What did you focus on (or not) as you when through this ordeal with your family members? How did you disengage from the desire to be reactive? How were you able you shift yourself perspective? What was it that "loosened and blew away?"

I think it would be really helpful for others, if you could say more about it. I realize that these things are not always easy to describe in words, but it is fascinating to hear how much your responses in that situation affected others' responses back to you. I would love to hear any further thoughts you might have about this.

I'm not sure this is in keeping with Zoe's idea for this thread, so I'll be really brief. The hard part is remembering that something this insane has to be caused by stuff being triggered that I can't see. So it really isn't about me, or about what seems to be happening. So then the trick is just to not get triggered myself, to respond only to actual words spoken, gently, and to withdraw when I'm losing that focus. Then it can't escalate.

Processing later, the work is the same. Keep remembering that this is about invisible stuff, don't engage in the drama, allow the truth to be whatever it is. At some point, I completely released my fantasies about these sisters and how I thought they felt about me. I avoided replacing these fantasies with new stories. I called my Mom because she doesn't deserve to be in the middle of this, and she's getting a bit fuzzy-brained. Told her I love her unconditionally exactly as she is, and that I'd talk about anything she needed to talk about, but I wouldn't defend/explain myself or talk about anybody else. It took about an hour of engaged listening to drain out whatever poison my sisters had poured in her ears, but we're good now. My mom's a sweet person.

Madie

 

[Dreambirdie]

I'm not sure this is in keeping with Zoe's idea for this thread, so I'll be really brief. The hard part is remembering that something this insane has to be caused by stuff being triggered that I can't see. So it really isn't about me, or about what seems to be happening. So then the trick is just to not get triggered myself, to respond only to actual words spoken, gently, and to withdraw when I'm losing that focus. Then it can't escalate.

Processing later, the work is the same. Keep remembering that this is about invisible stuff, don't engage in the drama, allow the truth to be whatever it is. At some point, I completely released my fantasies about these sisters and how I thought they felt about me. I avoided replacing these fantasies with new stories. I called my Mom because she doesn't deserve to be in the middle of this, and she's getting a bit fuzzy-brained. Told her I love her unconditionally exactly as she is, and that I'd talk about anything she needed to talk about, but I wouldn't defend/explain myself or talk about anybody else. It took about an hour of engaged listening to drain out whatever poison my sisters had poured in her ears, but we're good now. My mom's a sweet person.

Madie

I think sharing one's experiences about the workings of one's inner process can help others a lot, including hopefully Zoe.
SO THANKS MADIE, for doing this.

The part I bolded--about not engaging in the invisible drama--grabbed me. Amazing how seductive those invisible dramas are! How hard it is to resist the temptation to defend oneself and prove others wrong. And how powerful it is FOR ONESELF and EVERYBODY ELSE to step back and not react. Damn, I wish I learned that sooner than I did.

And the part about refusing to triangulate--not talking about others who were not present--that's another big key to help keep communications healthy.

As for engaged listening... that really should be a 3 or 4 course requirement to graduate from high school. We need so much more of that in this culture, and in this world.

 

[edwards.kevin41]

I am really sorry to hear your current state. It has happened to me too, but its not exactly the same. So I can understand what you are going through. I shall pray for your well being and wish you find a way to get out of this.

 

[Mary Poppins]

Hi there Zoe -and everyone else who's had the courage to post about their intimate family details.

I think you may have grounds, Zoe, and I get the feeling that you think that too.

Have you thought any more about this? Pursued any options?

To be Draconian is not such a bad thing sometimes.

 

[SickOfSickness]

I understand how it feels. My own situation with family is not so different. I also have a friend in a similar situation. We have ceased contact with our families at this point as we don't want to continue to receive abusive words and re-live those bad feelings. We never discussed it but both individually came to the same conclusion, that it was all we could do.

However, many healthy people could not believe I would do so. Most of them wanted me to simply put up a front, so I could receive help. I understand in your case it might not even be possible.

I feel there's not a lot that most of us can do ourselves. That we need help from friends if not family. If friends deserted us... I think some of us who like to be more social can get help from strangers. A little here and there can make a difference. And then hopefully turn some strangers into friends. However I think most of the friends won't stick around with someone who is seeming too needy and not able to give back, sadly.

You might be able to get food stamps. They usually let you get $200 of food per month. That would surely help.

If you have any musical or artistic talent, there is potential from that.

I keep feeling that what's best is for CFS patients to team up with other CFS. If you can find the right one that matches with you.

PM if you like.

I wrote a great rock song last year called Shut The Fuck Up.

Im living my life as well as I can be. If anyone wants to judge me for that, that is their problem and not mine. I know the person I are inside.

I admire you for this and sharing to help others.

a few weeks since I embraced this new reality, wonderful old friends I'd lost track of are coming out of the woodwork

Great.

 

[SickOfSickness]

I think you COULD sue but not successfully. But if you aren't afraid of publicity, it could help you. There would be negative publicity I'm sure, which can still help you but can be stressful. There's probably a better way to get publicity working in your favor.

 

[chloe]

It sounds like this disease may have been their excuse to engage in psychological abuse, but there is nothing you can to about. No, I cannot think of any example of being able to sue family for support unless you are a minor, or if there is some written prior agreement. None of those exist. You need to get your finances in shape as quickly s possible so that you don't starve and not have a plce to live. By using family as source of income, I hope you did not cheat yourself out of access to state disability payments or any private disability plans (if you had been working). I would make contact with disability attoreys ASAP.

Yes, Many of us have been abandoned by family. Perhapsyour family objects to he form of therapy, because it doesn't sound like the therapy did much, or would have been expected to do much. That's my opinion of much of this therapy --- it's homeopathic.

But this may be an excuse for family to be abusive. Dunno.

But I would get on my own ASAP, and get access to state disability benefits ASAP. But distance beteween yourself and family ASAP. That is what I have done in my own case, and my advice to you!

If you were working and might have a chance at getting a private disability pay out --- it may not be too late. See private disability insurer, typically an ERISA attorney. And get state disability insurer. Make sure there are no crumbs DO NOT GO TO A COMPANY LIKE ALLSUP BECAUSE YOU LOSE YOUR PRIVACY, which can be important later in tricky ways. OPEN YELLOW PAGES AND START DIALING!!!!

DO NOT SIT AND MUDDLE IN GRIEF. I WOULD BUILD A WALL BETWEEN YOU AND FAMILY, GET ONTO MEDICARE, AND GET A PSYCHOTHERAPIST. YOU MAY WANT TO CONSIDER A ROOMMATE TO REDUCE COSTS.

 

[sandgroper]

After the death of the one supportive member of my family I was left with high level of disablility and numerous difficulties. My family were not very helpful, occasionally doing things, but mostly not. Then recently someone from the local CFS support group helped me in ways my family never have. They cleaned up my garden, did some paperwork and other jobs. It was so wonderful. And I am really working on focusing on that. The family stuff really does my head in. Now I just want to focus on what I want rather than the hurt and and anger. Its been part of a grief process. They have their lives and I am not part of it. Its hard to accept but it is what it is. I have such little functional ability I need to have someone to call in emergencies. there isn't anyone. So i will just have to not have any.

Sorry if thats not helpful. It really hurts like hell to be treated that way......I really hope you get some support from another source...its what I have decided to go for. Cheers SaND

 

[Daffodil]

zoe.....will medicare cover the cost of the xmrv test (if not, please message me). get the test and find a doctor to give you antiretrovirals. there is some good data now, that it helps. personally, i wouldnt waste my time on alternative therapies at this point. in your situation, i would do the most cutting edge stuff. and antiretrovirals will probably be free for you. the only thing is finding a doc willing to prescribe.

i know what you are going through. if it wasnt for my mother, i would have been dead on the street decades ago. my father has money but believes its mental, that i am "obsessed" with my disease and making myself sick. that doesnt even make any sense. idiots.

 

[maddietod]

Who does a good xmrv test?

Madie (USA)