Extreme Measures: Can one sue their family of origin?

[Dreambirdie]

People become who they want to be, and often act nice and charitable to look good. But you just have to look at their behavior to know who they really are.

And I am amazed at what I have learned in all this about human behavior. Our society is greedy, selfish, and delusional about so many things. And people do not live their stated value systems very well or often. Maybe we all need to be more honest about that.

Great points, Kurt.

I wish I had accepted long ago what I saw with my own eyes about the un-empathetic people I knew, instead of wasting a lot of time and energy agonizing over what I wished they COULD be. People show you who they are all the time, but so often we just don't want to see it. That kind of denial can cause a lot of suffering.

Also... not falling for the words, "the stated values", as you call them, is a big part of this discrimination process. I remember many years ago, watching a PBS special about the drug wars in Columbia. They were interviewing a drug enforcement agent from the US who was working to capture some of the big drug lords. They asked him, "How do you trust ANYONE in this business that you're in." And he said, "I NEVER BELIEVE WHAT PEOPLE TELL ME. I WATCH TO SEE WHAT THEY DO." Wow! That really grabbed my attention. It was a lightbulb moment. I had spent far too many years believing what I heard, and wishing for it to be true. I made much better judgement calls, when I began to observe more carefully what people actually did, and how they did it. A big and valuable lesson.

 

[zoe.a.m.]

The last few posts are full of really incredible insight as far as I'm concerned, I'm just too beat to go into much detail. Dreambirdie, it's disturbing and bizarre how similar our upbringings were, and the family dynamics in general. Kurt, your clarity about watching what people do and not what they say is seemingly simple, but it is like someone lighting up a tunnel. It is strange how, unconsciously, I've tried to 'explain' the gap between what I'm reading or being told and what the ramifications are. They don't add up, and it's not me. Desperate circumstances make you want to believe you've misunderstood I think, in order to believe that no one would make a choice to make your life too difficult to bear, and that it's just a matter of clarifying something.

Not feeling too upbeat, just talked to doctor and went over numbers and coverage and implications and he said that he didn't want to sound negative but that he wouldn't go back to my previous level of function. Not crazy or wrong there either...damn.

So what do you guys do to get your basic (and by basic I guess I mean not basic) needs met? I keep hearing that $7004.00/yr for disability is unbelievably low (across the board I hear this), so how is it being done? Does anyone without a family or spouse support have access to a doctor with knowledge of CFS? I know, Tania, you said you have to sometimes trade off between food and supplements, etc. I'm no stranger to trade-offs, but how low can you go and still have any degree of health, let alone minor improvements? Maybe these questions aren't so much for this thread, but for the universe...?

 

[Carrigon]

I actually wanted to sue my family when my mother died and they treated me like crap. I had a real conversation with my lawyer about it. But he basically said, there's no law that says they have to be nice to you and there's no law that says they have to support you once you are over age 18 or 21.

I went another route, if you believe in such things, I cast a revenge spell, and it worked. Didn't really get me any money, but has given me some sense of satisfaction.

 

[Carrigon]

So what do you guys do to get your basic (and by basic I guess I mean not basic) needs met? I keep hearing that $7004.00/yr for disability is unbelievably low (across the board I hear this), so how is it being done? Does anyone without a family or spouse support have access to a doctor with knowledge of CFS? I know, Tania, you said you have to sometimes trade off between food and supplements, etc. I'm no stranger to trade-offs, but how low can you go and still have any degree of health, let alone minor improvements? Maybe these questions aren't so much for this thread, but for the universe...?

I get in about that a year, very little money. I try to earn survey money to help pay for other things I need. I buy supplements when they are on sale. But I cannot afford much of anything anymore.

 

[zoe.a.m.]

I'm sorry to hear about what you are trading off Carrigon. Do you feel the peace of mind you get in not being involved in your family system is worth something (even though it might not be entirely your choice)? Revenge spell?! I've certainly had the urge before, but I always think of the rule about whatever you put out comes back 3x or something like that..., but I'm not sure ME/CFS isn't already the "3x" either. I follow your housing issues really closely, though I don't think I comment much, but I hope it's improved and I'm sorry I haven't voiced my support more. Thank you for letting me know about your meeting a lawyer.

 

[Carrigon]

Some of the spell did come back on me. I have to put up with some junk from it, however, their suffering is great and will last a lifetime. Was it worth it, yes. In my case, very much so. Sometimes, people do so much unforgivable evil that it takes a force of good to do something about it. And sometimes, we have to become that force. They don't seem to really be learning anything from it, though. They're just too evil. They don't even realize it came from me. But like I said, their suffering is great and it will last for the rest of their miserable lives. Everyone's situation is different. And you have to know what you are doing when you do it. If you can take some of the heat, it's worth it.

My living situation is better, but other things are not. I'm still stuck in illness hell. And still just as isolated, now even more so. I have a nice looking tomb. That's about it. I'm safer. It's quiet and peaceful. But it might as well have a tombstone on the door.

 

[maddietod]

This has turned into an amazing thread. Thanks, everybody, for sharing your wisdom and insight.

 

[Dreambirdie]

In my experience the best way to become a force of good is to reject evil in all its many convoluted forms.. and also to reject wanting to control or change the perpetrators, which can become an addictive trap. In all the instances where I have been willing to let go of abusive people, to walk away and just leave them to their fate, I have felt a HUGE relief. Whereas whenever I've stuck around to attempt to teach them a lesson or convince them into being nice, I have exhausted myself from the effort, and ended up pissed off and miserable in the process.

Only deeply damaged people manifest a serious lack of conscience, and they are NOT happy campers. In fact they are their own worst enemies. I am very relieved to not be living in their skin. I celebrate that I actually managed, in spite of my physical disability, to become a good human with a heart. HALLELU-YAY!

 

[LaurelW]

In my experience the best way to become a force of good is to reject evil in all its many convoluted forms..

I absolutely agree with you, Dreambirdie. I'll never forget what the Dalai Lama said when I went to his lecture in 1999. He refused to be angry with the Chinese, not for their benefit, but for his own, because he said it would negatively affect him. He said in the long run, it's actually selfish, but that isn't a bad thing.

 

[Dreambirdie]

I absolutely agree with you, Dreambirdie. I'll never forget what the Dalai Lama said when I went to his lecture in 1999. He refused to be angry with the Chinese, not for their benefit, but for his own, because he said it would negatively affect him. He said in the long run, it's actually selfish, but that isn't a bad thing.

The Dalai Lama recently talked about this in an interview on one of the morning shows.

I am certainly not as free of my anger as he is. But when I have it, I paint it or write a good angry song about it, which gives me a big cath-ART-sis. SO in a certain way, the crazy people in my life have helped to make me more creative. HA-HA!

 

[Carrigon]

We all have different experiences in life. And what's good for one person, is not always good for another. As they say, unless you've been in someone else's shoes, you really just haven't got a clue until it happens to you.

 

[LaurelW]

That's true. Some things we can only imagine, and not very well at that.

 

[markmc20001]

Forgive and forget can be an effective strategy! Everybody is dysfunctional in some way, and sometimes it is just easiest to forgive or forget.

I personally like forget. It's easiest for me to do. 8o)

 

[Dreambirdie]

I have to mention that one of the best tools I've used for releasing unhappy emotions is art. I call it cath-ART-sis. When I was healthy I used to release frustration and anger through vigorous physical activity--like swimming a mile, or downhill skiing or going for long hikes. But of course, those days are gone now, so I needed another option. Painting and drawing my emotions, and writing and playing cathartic songs (on my guitar) about people who I'm pissed at has brought me a lot of release and relief when I need that. I wrote a great rock song last year called Shut The Fuck Up. And I have painted quite a few ugly portraits as well.

When doing any creative work what I notice right away is that the degree to which I can fully accept WHATEVER emotion I am feeling is the measure of how soon I will be able to let it go. That which I resist will undoubtedly persist. But that which I embrace, and allow myself to feel and express as honestly as I can, (in paint or music) I will soon be free of. Funny how that works.

 

[maddietod]

Where is the link to a youtube of this alleged song? I SO BADLY need to hear a song with that title.

No youtube, it didn't happen.

 

[Dreambirdie]

Where is the link to a youtube of this alleged song? I SO BADLY need to hear a song with that title.

No youtube, it didn't happen.

LOL! No, it is not recored, and not on youtube. Maybe one day... if I'm ever motivated to do all that work, I will let you know. Until then, you will have to come over to my house to hear me play it. And it's definitely a long flight from Annapolis.

 

[zoe.a.m.]

Dreambirdie/Maddietodd, there is a song called "Shut the Fuck Up" by Cake and you can probably find it on youtube if anyone needs a fix until you gets your's/yours (brain can't process proper English right now!) recorded Dreambirdie! What's your preferred medium to work with artistically? I always find it takes a lot of space and nasty paint for me to get that expressive, and I don't currently have space, otherwise it's just these dark doodles. It's kind of funny that you mentioned music and certain lyrics because my mind tends to run songs (like an internal iPod) and recently I've had some Eminem "And I Won't Back Down, Oh No, I Won't Back Down!!!" and a song about fighting by Cold War Kids. I feel like that is a good internal voice!

 

[Mya Symons]

I actually wanted to sue my family when my mother died and they treated me like crap. I had a real conversation with my lawyer about it. But he basically said, there's no law that says they have to be nice to you and there's no law that says they have to support you once you are over age 18 or 21.

I went another route, if you believe in such things, I cast a revenge spell, and it worked. Didn't really get me any money, but has given me some sense of satisfaction.

This reminds me--I have an app on my ipod of a voodoo doll. You can name this doll and dress them up like the person you name them after and, of course, stick pins in them. They probably make this for teenagers and it might be a little immature, but it makes me feel better (briefly).

 

[Dreambirdie]

What's your preferred medium to work with artistically? I always find it takes a lot of space and nasty paint for me to get that expressive, and I don't currently have space, otherwise it's just these dark doodles.

I work with acrylics on drawing paper. I just wrote a paragraph long post about it, and it disappeared when I tried to post it. Not up for a repeat.

Also... Caran Dache Neocolor crayons, when I don't have energy for the above.

 

[zoe.a.m.]

I just replied to your post dreambirdie and it ate mine too! And I'm not up for a repeat either!!