I've never taken formal vows, but began reading in Buddhism when I first got hit by the CFS truck in 1985. This thread is so interesting!
What I found in the teachings were a way to handle things better, sometimes. And gradually I learned to not worry about the times I didn't handle things better, but that took a long time.
I was big on achieving before CFS, and so when I began studying Buddhism, I brought to it that same drive to fully understand and absorb, and a desire to "be a really good Buddhist" and a desire to live in such a way that others would see and (ego warning!) possibly even want to emulate the equanimity I was certain I could attain, if I just tried hard enough.
All that striving. Talk about missing the point!
But I learned a little bit, slowly. I remember a turning point - I can't remember where I read it, but I read that so much would be better if we could just REFRAIN.
I had to wrestle with that a lot. Refrain? Shouldn't I be out there trying to stop all kinds of bad things in the world? I was a political activist, and I was extremely verbal!
So refraining sounded bad to me. I had to turn that over for a long time. But eventually I could see how it didn't mean giving up trying to seek justice. But it did help me understand the wisdom of respecting others' viewpoints, even when I was opposed to their positions.
It helped me learn to speak less, and observe more. It stopped me from injecting my opinion too often. I sometimes taped "Refrain" near the phone so I would gradually learn to just let things go by, and not react. (I have a very emotionally intense family and circle of friends, and there was always a lot of drama going on.)
The learning to be less reactive is what helped me the most over the years. But still, I had my emotional meltdowns. Tears, anger, upsets. And I'd feel like such a failure as a Buddhist when that happened. Where was my equanimity? I'd be going along, thinking I had it down, and boom! I'd be a mess, like I'd learned nothing at all.
I had struggled with the concepts of attachment and non-attachment for so long. I felt like a "bad Buddhist" when I liked something too much, or "failed" by being angry.
And then - breakthrough! relief! I read that the Dalai Lama himself enjoys his hobbies and interests, which by the way, include World War II memorabilia! The Dalai Lama likes war things? Interesting! And a relief! It's ok to like some things and not like others as much. It's ok to have preferences and harmless desires.
And then I learned that when someone asked the Dalai Lama if he gets angry, he said, yes. And not only does he get mad sometimes, but he gets mad at family, just like me!
And then I heard Pema Chodron say that her children tell her she's incredibly uptight all the time! Just like I am sometimes!
What a relief! Finding out these things about such esteemed teachers helped liberate me from my misunderstandings about emotions, attachment, and so much else that I had struggled with in Buddhism. I had for a long time found bliss there, alternating with struggle. Now I could relax and just let it all be.
Where I am now is just going for acceptance of mind states, observing them as flowing, transient places, and extending lovingkindness when I can, and not trying to be "the best little Buddhist" with some A-plus practice of equanimity, kindness, or even meditation practice. Its ok to just be where Im at. No need to struggle.
Any religion can be fundamentalist, even Buddhism. I recoil from the stick, and have learned to relax with teachings, not use them to flog myself, or others, or compare progress.
"More Buddhist than thou" is just another mind trap, another instance of "comparing mind.
It can be so hard to be here now. Present moment living is a challenge for me, still. The difference now is, when I find myself in reverie about the past or future, I no longer try to yank myself back with any internal judgment. I just enjoy the reverie. Sometimes part of the present is remembering the past. Thats okay, too.
We all are just going along in this life. I have so much to learn. In fact, one of the things I read along the way was a book by a Buddhist laywoman, and she said, "I have so much stupidity to get rid of before I die!" Oh, yeah!
I still make judgments all the time. Im not sure if thats good or bad, or if it matters. I try to refrain from verbalizing them as much.
These days, Im working on skillful speech. I have a lot to learn there, and it would help my life and others in my life if I learned to not say anything unless its true, necessary or kind. Im listening more and talking less. I like the feeling of that. Theres peace in that. My family of lawyers and psychologists and talky, opinionated, crazy-beautiful people are primed constantly for debate. No one lets a remark go by without commenting also. I find such immense relief being out of that cycle, and just smiling and listening and watching the light change as they all speak.
Not having to convince anyone of anything maybe thats part of letting go of ego attachment. Not having to be a star, or compete, or try to be the best, or the most popular, or the most golden, or all those things that were an exhausting wheel.
So, what I've found ultimately in Buddhism is some help with learning to be less reactive, and also maybe some islands of equanimity I would not have found otherwise. I have gotten away from the complexities of the teachings and live more with things like "refrain" and "be kind" and "relax" and "enjoy" and "maybe so" and "okay."
Ive learned that compassion does not require that I be a doormat, and I so appreciate what Koan (I think it was her) said here about how good boundaries are a good thing for others, because it prevents their suffering. Yes! So well put. I will keep that in mind.
This has been way more than my two cents. Thank you for the place to put my thoughts together.
