Everything you wrote is so understandable to me,
@Jemima37
I am sorry you feel all of the anguish and anxiety, and the worries, on top of the already extremely difficult symptoms of the CFS.
It is truly very emotional and difficult. And a depressing situation and very discouraging illness.
While, Wanting to be healthy and to function better and differently. Wanting to be the kind of parent you had hoped to be. Wishing you could do things with them, that you are not able to do, for this extended and unknown length of time. Trying to pretend you are better than you are, in front of them, is so stressful, too. And it does happen that we get worse, so quickly, unpredictably, and at times when we so much wish we wouldn't!
Worrying about the effects on the children of your illness and its symptoms.
I am writing to validate all of your very valid feelings and thoughts, dear friend,
and there is just one other point you made which I want to repeat to you, that DOES matter, too,
so try to remember it is very important too.
I know they wont have the mental abuse I had, and the panic and fear I had every day
They DO have a better home and family in those very significant ways, which helps them. Your love helps them. There ARE some good things in their life, that some of those other children with "healthier " seeming moms, do not have.
Shoshana