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Big birthday approaching.

Jemima37

Senior Member
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Thank you. I'm having a horrible week with anxiety so much I'm struggling to sit and spend time with my family. It's because I'm so fatigued, I'm struggling to be sociable with my own children because I try to hide my fatigue and act like a normal mum when they're sat with me but it ends in anxiety which I still have to hide. It's horrible. I feel wo much pressure to act like I'm fine with them to protect them. Its bad enough they're seeing me resting all the time again in my room, so I have to act normal as it's a change seeing me resting again and I'm worried they'll be scared I'm severely fatigued like last year when my cfs was at its worst.

It's my birthday next weekend, and I'm terrified of not being able to sit for long with my children, get too overwhelmed opening presents and it all lead to panic attacks. I get very overwhelmed by emotions and lately alot of noise and socialising causes too much fight or flight. I feel so guilty for needing lots of rest these last few weeks again and I've been crying all week when the children are at school. Feeling a terrible mother, because they saw me so much better, cooking and cleaning, spending time with them for hours again but now in just a few weeks I've set back and I know its affecting them so I'm worried having cfs is destroying their childhood. I want to be a normal mum who takes her kids out, who nip the shop with them, celebrates properly on special occasions, eats a meal around the table each night etc. I've cried all week on damaging their childhood these last few years since having cfs and the anxiety its brought. I really hate myself for that. I've cried all week because I'm scared of this affecting my kids and them not remembering the mum I was before. Its destroying me and I admit I feel quite depressed since this setback has hit this last month 😥

I've little happy memories of my childhood and I wanted so different for my 3. I know they wont have the mental abuse I had, and the panic and fear I had every day but I'm scared it's not been as it should be or how it was before cfs hit me. I'm crying typing this as I've bottled it up because I cant tell anyone how I'm feeling. I've been sobbing all week when alone which is making my cfs worse. The guilt, the fear of never recovering, fear I'm damaging their childhood, worry what it's doing to them seeing me setback again, comparing myself to other mothers constantly... my poor head 😥
 

Shoshana

Northern USA
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Everything you wrote is so understandable to me, @Jemima37 :(
I am sorry you feel all of the anguish and anxiety, and the worries, on top of the already extremely difficult symptoms of the CFS. :cry:

It is truly very emotional and difficult. And a depressing situation and very discouraging illness.
While, Wanting to be healthy and to function better and differently. Wanting to be the kind of parent you had hoped to be. Wishing you could do things with them, that you are not able to do, for this extended and unknown length of time. Trying to pretend you are better than you are, in front of them, is so stressful, too. And it does happen that we get worse, so quickly, unpredictably, and at times when we so much wish we wouldn't!
Worrying about the effects on the children of your illness and its symptoms.:aghhh:

I am writing to validate all of your very valid feelings and thoughts, dear friend,

and there is just one other point you made which I want to repeat to you, that DOES matter, too,
so try to remember it is very important too.

I know they wont have the mental abuse I had, and the panic and fear I had every day
They DO have a better home and family in those very significant ways, which helps them. Your love helps them. There ARE some good things in their life, that some of those other children with "healthier " seeming moms, do not have.

Shoshana
 

Jemima37

Senior Member
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718
Location
UK
Shoshana

Thank you again for your kindness. I've done a little update on a post called mum guilt on thos forum as my daughter opened up about her feelings on Friday and its kind I'd broken me a bit more.

Thank you for your reassuring words, they have helped me so much. I need to remind myself of all I've given them, and it's amazing compared to what I had as a child.

Yes, before birthdays and Christmas all of this often hits me. Especially my birthday and a week later its my daughters. A lot at once for me.

Julie
 

Shoshana

Northern USA
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Location
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@Jemima37
Dear J, I was thinking of you, yesterday, as i think that was your birthday.

Thank you for this note for me, here. I had written my post here, long before i saw that you had the other one.

Sending you a hug,
Shoshana