und...thanks
my blood has never been thick intil today. in 2007, i had some sort of test for that (fibrin??). if it continues, i will certainly talk to the doctor.. my phone appt is in november (at $150 for 10 min, i dont do it too often lol)
und,...do you wonder if maybe, since acyclovir and other herpes drugs do have SOME affect on HIV, that maybe thats why you need a very high dose of valcyte? maybe the drug is actually acting on your retrovirus!?? maybe you dont have too much retrovirus so you can get away with just valcyte??
hell i dont know. i have about 5% brain function - like a tiny tiny hole that is open up there - with which i can think. and all i do is ruminate on this...over and over and over.
i have such a deep sick feeling this is going to end so badly for me. i think dr. mikovits thinks the CD8+ lymphocytes carry the virus to the brain and then its get all in the tissues and is not even in the spinal fluid...and it just sits there causing all kinds of inflammation and neuronal death....and it just gets worse and worse. i can visualize it. i know this is what is happening to me. i deny it all the time and go to my stupid vistide appts but deep down, i know what it is. its not a herpes virus inside my head. i can feel it. other people dont have as much (or any) virus in their brains and can think perfectly - even write books - with CFS, but for me, its totally different.
ok sorry . i am really fked up right now. i am nasueaus sick and have to be up early, take a 2 hr bus, a cab, walk across the border for 1/2 mile, and get infused while i am sick as a dog but pretend i am happy and make small talk with the nurse, and then vomit all over the place...and for what?
o God..this has to be over soon. it just has to.
how can it be...a one second decision...ruins your whole life. your whole life would have been so different in every single way. a split second and suddenly a lifetime of hell. it is so unreal.
the other day i saw a couple walking with their dogs. they were happy...it was twilight and the neighborhood was charming...a homey area....and they were just together, walking home...talking to the neighbours...and i looked at them so longingly, like...OMG...what a FANTASY that life would be. but WTF...that would have been so EASY To have. not a fantasy but a certainty..just one of the many little things that bring joy to one's life...that i wouldnt even have given a second thought too...but now...its TOTALLY impossible. something so simple...so easy to attain.....ITS OVER!!!
now its nursing homes and cancer drugs and pills and pills and doctors and hospitals and trying to survive and crying and o God
i'm gonna regret this post in the AM