Advice on friction over housework please (CFS and OCD don't mix!)

[PracticingAcceptance]

@trishrhymes generally I do things in a way so as not to piss him off. This is how I've been living for the last year. I avoid cooking sometimes if I know I won't have the energy to clean it up the same evening, even if I know I do have just enough energy to do the cooking. So I end up eating something shop bought rather than freshly cooked. I'm changing what I eat - eating less healthily - because of him. Because I'm afraid.

I already hoard plates in my room for sometimes 3 or 4 days when things are bad. It's not ideal...

The real problem isn't the washing up, it's him being controlling. Me avoiding pissing him off - that's me living in fear. When I'm scared I focus on the washing up stuff because I'm thinking about defending myself. But really, washing dishes is just the vehicle for him to exert control. A normal person wouldn't act like he does, if they were pissed off about washing up. A normal person would not get pissed off at the scale of what doesn't get done. One dish every so often.

(I know... there's no such thing as a normal person.)

@Alvin2 I don't think my phone has that much memory! It's ok, we avoid each other, so interactions aren't happening every day thankfully. My phone is within easy reach most of the time.

BTW guys - the plot thickens. A new person is moving in... a new person that the bully interviewed, without telling me and the other girl that he was doing house viewings at all. I seriously doubt this new person knows about what's going on. I've tried to meet her and let her know so that she could make an informed decision about whether she wants to move in, but it's too late, she's moving in tomorrow. I'm going to have to tell her... I feel really sorry for her. Who would want to find out that they're moving in to a flat share where there's bullying going on? I'm not happy that a stranger is moving in and I had no say over who was chosen... but I'm going to have to let that go right now, too much else to fret about! ...I could just not tell her what's been happening... she could be under the illusion that everything is alright and that might make her happy... I don't want to spoil her happiness. I just wish I could have warned her. What would you do? I should warn her eventually though, for her safety... and this is a big thing in my life right now, and it would be going on in front of her, so it would be hard to miss.

 

[arewenearlythereyet]

The most important thing is to not let this guy into your head. I find people have the most devastating effect on my energy when i naturally try and rationalise their behaviour. This is a waste of energy. He is almost certainly delusional about himself. As for the new flat ate, I wouldn't get involved ...just show her you are a nice person and wait for her to come to you. She needs to make her own mind up....don't forget she might be a sociopath too.

 

[trishrhymes]

Hi again, I'm so sorry you've had such a horrible year trying to cope with this man. He is clearly a controlling bully, and completely out of order.

In some ways I agree with the suggestion of standing up to a bully, but in a situation like this for your own self protection, and because you have already tried standing up to him, explaining and getting support from the other flatmates, and it hasn't worked, in fact it sounds like the situation has escalated, it seems like it's safer to do as you have been doing, and avoid confrontation until you can get out.

I'm guessing you have to share for financial reasons, so living alone is not an option. You say you have friends who would help with a move but don't feel you can ask for help with flat hunting. I do understand that, but it might be worth telling a friend the situation and seeing if they offer to help. I know how hard it is to ask, but someone might actually enjoy helping.

It sound like you really do need help to get out as soon as possible for your health. That's not giving in to a bully, or weak. It's self preservation. I do hope you can find a way out soon.

Your idea of going to the CAB sounds good. Maybe there is a local charity that helps people with particular health or disability needs to find housing or maybe social services can help. It is so hard to ask, but you do need help, and that's what they are there for - you have a diagnosis, and your therapist is telling you you need to move, so you have confirmation that you are in need.

If you're not well enough to get to the CAB, you could phone the Samaritans support line. I think they will have information about sources of help as well as providing a chance to talk it through.

Best wishes, and do tell us how you get on.

 

[EtherSpin]

Thanks people

Bizarrely he included in his shouting spree that I'd been laughing late last night, as if this was proof I'm well?!

ARGH! I've had the same issue with a girl I live with (5 people here total) I sometimes assist her with routines of an evening and after a couple of months of her doing little jokey things like putting something just out of my reach so I need to bend over or squat (leg pain in seconds and lasting as a dull ache for 24 hours) I raised my voice a little about how inappropriate it was.
Later on she raised this again and said that I can't be totally devoid of energy of an evening because I "shouted" once.
I'm luckier than you though, I managed to explain to her the lack of connection between muscle aches generally and a raised voice


Plot twist, she is my 7 year old daughter and she apologised !

so yeah, this guy is mean and it is straight up bullying and or ignorance with the crap like dumping a pot in your room.

if he gets nosey about you or starts leveraging personal information don't be too far above matching in kind as I (and my wife also) was in education before having to stop work and even a fairly new teacher should be open to health conditions - you may need to not be subtle about how his institution would not tolerate that attitude to CFS.
I've tried the recording thing on exactly one person and despite how blatantly abusive the recording was they denied wrongdoing and I decided to delete it but your mileage may vary!

all the best

 

[PracticingAcceptance]

@EtherSpin Hahaha you are a fabulous storyteller!! I bet you were/are a great teacher

Yeah, with an attitude like that to CFS, he can't be a great teacher. But what's worse, for the kids, is that he thinks it's good to hit children... he's also been judgemental about my sexuality... I wouldn't want my kids anywhere near him.

He's been keeping himself to himself, and I've been hiding in my room whenever I can hear him around the flat. So we don't cross paths... so I haven't needed to record anything. But I've had it in my mind, so my phone is at the ready in case he comes in to my room again. Thanks for that idea, Phoenix Rising people!

The agents have been in touch and said that they'll 'probably' evict him, but it hasn't happened yet. So I'm not holding my breath. Have been looking at other places online, slowly.

 

[Alvin2]

@EtherSpin Hahaha you are a fabulous storyteller!! I bet you were/are a great teacher

Yeah, with an attitude like that to CFS, he can't be a great teacher. But what's worse, for the kids, is that he thinks it's good to hit children... he's also been judgemental about my sexuality... I wouldn't want my kids anywhere near him.

He's been keeping himself to himself, and I've been hiding in my room whenever I can hear him around the flat. So we don't cross paths... so I haven't needed to record anything. But I've had it in my mind, so my phone is at the ready in case he comes in to my room again. Thanks for that idea, Phoenix Rising people!

The agents have been in touch and said that they'll 'probably' evict him, but it hasn't happened yet. So I'm not holding my breath. Have been looking at other places online, slowly.

Remember to keep copies of all correspondence and if you can frame getting rid of him as good for their bottom line then its a good motivator.

 

[PracticingAcceptance]

Remember to keep copies of all correspondence and if you can frame getting rid of him as good for their bottom line then its a good motivator.

That's exactly what I did good advice, thanks! I pointed out that people keep leaving because of him and it's likely to continue. More tenants leaving and being replaced = loss of money for them.

 

[Alvin2]

That's exactly what I did good advice, thanks! I pointed out that people keep leaving because of him and it's likely to continue. More tenants leaving and being replaced = loss of money for them.

Well done, and if anyone else leaves use it to remind them why.

 

[EtherSpin]

fingers crossed that Lior isn't having so many issues now and has gotten away from this guy somehow

 

[otterjack]

Yes, a horrid situation to be in. So exhausting when you're already exhausted.

Some people are very, very odd. The guy clearly had issues.

 

[PeeWee]

Surprised no-one suggested @lior & housemates get a dishwasher. The cost shared between 4 wouldn't be that great.

If the bullying jerk objects, as he's happy to do his own dishes, buy it between 3 & stipulate that as he didn't pay he doesn't get to use it.

 

[PracticingAcceptance]

Thanks for all the support! My friend helped me find a new place to live. I had to wait until a time when I was well enough to go for house viewings, and I took one of the first ones I saw. It's more expensive, but it's bigger, and it's in a homely place, where I think the people will be much nicer. I hope!

I was conflicted about spending a bit more money on rent, but it would be a really nice place to recover in. Maybe the act of self love of living in a nice place will help nurture myself back to health.

I'm moving out in a month. Can't wait to get away from this guy.

He told me I look ill the other day, in a very surprised way. *eye roll* like I hadn't explained to him several times about my health, in no unclear terms. Some people just refuse to get it.

 

[Dechi]

@lior this is such good news and I am so happy for you !

Bye bye, jerk !

 

[Eneia]

Late reply but for anyone else who has issues like this (it's bully avoidance with the shared stuff I'm talking about): if you can afford it buy the minimum you need to cook, to use just for yourself. Have a pan, cutlery etc. if it will be obvious that something is missing and the bully will notice. Have a box in *your* room (a bit like he did with the pan, really) where you keep all the dirty stuff until you have the energy to wash. What he wants is not see the dirty stuff, which is fair enough, and his own health issue makes him a bully, maybe he just got really pissed off, I know I have before for the same kind of reason.
I know you are ill, but in some way it's not their problem and the shared space should be sacred and a priority in case of any friction.
If you look for ways like this to deal with the issues, it doesn't always escalate if it's only the other person's own issues that fet in the way (rather than real bullying tendency).
If you have a full cupboard for you in the kitchen maybe you can leave a box there too.
Anything put in the box should not be potentially be something needed by others as this will create resentment if they can't find it.


Another way which may be harder: when you plan something in your mind, cooking-wise, do your best to account for the cleaning part too, so your energy is not at 0 by the end of the meal, but rather by the end of cleaning. Easier said than done, but I have has success with it sometimes. Or clean as you go, before eating. You will always find energy to eat! (At least I do!).

Yet other options: use a steamer to cook food, if you rinse immediately after use it is very easy to clean, it's healthy, makes vegetables, rice and fish tasty, and is light, so you can carry back in your room if there are space issues. Use non stick. Get a dishwasher. Dip stuff in water while you eat so it's easy to clean.

 

[PracticingAcceptance]

@Eneia what you are describing is how to pander to a bully. I do not find that works. I did some of what you described, and nothing was ever good enough, no matter how hard I tried. He would always find something more to try and control me with.

I did compromise after compromise, and sacrificed my health to try and avoid his anger. He did not compromise.

In a shared space, in my opinion, no one person should make the rules, the rules have to be agreed upon together. Otherwise, what you have is a dictatorship.