Adam
Senior Member
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- Location
- Sheffield UK
XMRV (Spoof) Short Story
(For non-UK members please note the Tardis is a time machine used by The Doctor.; the central character in the BBC TV series Dr. Who and Norfolk is completely flat!)
Does a virus cause ME/CFS/ICD?
A special report by our undercover investigative reporter XV (they call him MR XV)
First up readers. A small slice of background for the unenlightened.
British Medical authorities list much maligned illness ME/CFS (Misanthropic Egoitis/ Chronic Feasibleness Syndrome), also known as ICD or to give it its full name - Imperious College Disease (so called after an outbreak a few years ago at the world renowned centre of learning), as an Organic condition (unclassified) of unknown aetiology.
Major symptoms include:
Talking in riddles (Episodic)
Chronic invention and subsequent overuse of acronyms (Oxford Criteria only)
Uncontrollable chronic bouts of smugness
Hysteria/Paranoia (All criteria)
Chronic overuse of brackets in written material
Dislike or distrust of anyone who disagrees with them (Chronic)
Neurological symptoms include but are not limited to; sneering, talking in a condescending manner.
The disease, has to date been confined to small localised clusters. Outbreaks predominantly affecting Psychiatric Academics at the outer fringes of the profession.
The majority of the very vocal advocates in CFS/ME/ICD patient support groups (known as Gee-Hads), contend that the illness is psychological in nature, not organic. We do not, I repeat said Dr. Simian Weasel-Baum, a leading, pro-psycho-babble-somatic-disorder/anti-organic explanationist, we do not. LOL. LMAO, have an organic illness. WTF?
News that a lab in Never-Never land had uncovered a Retrograde virus known as XMRV (xenophobic misrepresentative retrograde virus) which is widely presumed to be the cause of the illness has angered leading support group activists, in particular, Weasel-Baum.
As the good doctor (who now insists on being known as Dr. What) is widely regarded as chief amongst the organic dissenters, I decided to catch up with him.
I found him at his Ski Lodge in Norfolk peeling sprouts. Reading Volume 26 of his own collected works - Somatic Disorders of the 20th Century. (NB. What had crossed out 20th, above it, scribbled 21st)
I introduced myself as the Peoples Champion, a champion of the people and newshound extraordinaire.
Come in, come in he said, sneering at me from the top step of his static caravan but OMG, dont bother sitting down - I dont like you.
Not a good start, I venture. Which made me feel somewhat nervous about broaching the subject of XMRV. But then I said to myself: why the hell did you come here in the first place XV, if not to get at the truth?
No doubt mention of the V word would provoke Dr. What into a tedious bout of smugness. Probably spark off a round of acronyms. Trigger an insidious attack of riddles. But, as Dr. What himself often says, WTF?
Xenophobic Misrepresentative Retrograde Virus?
XMRV!
He narrowed his eyes. Nonsense newshound. Anyone fool can see Im suffering from a highly complex somatic disorder. LOL.
You really do believe that I said dont you?
FU XV.
Charming. Touched a nerve there I thought quickly deciding to try a different approach.
Which was?
Let him do all the talking.
I waited. Finally he said WHO.
What? I said.
Yes he said.
Yes what? I said.
WHO. The World Health Organisation?
What about them What?
When Weasel-Baum or What or whatever pseudonym he was going under today failed to answer my question, I assumed just the mention of WHO was enough for him, What.
Point made (WHO supports his assertions that CFS/ME/ICD is a somatic disorder and not organic in nature) he looked horribly smug.
Tell me he said why on earth did Jill accompany Jack up the hill to fetch a pail of water when quite clearly there were adequate facilities near by?
Indeed. What had a point. And all the major symptoms, too. Not a shadow of a doubt in my mind now Dr. What had CFS/ME/IPD. The question was, was What correct in his assertions he had a somatic disorder? Or were the Never-Never land people going to nail this debate once and for all with the retrograde virus, XMRV?
I had no answer to Dr. What s riddle and left him in the galley kitchen of his Ski Lodge clutching a large cardboard box, which had been painted dark blue (presumably by himself) with the legend TARDIS etched on all four sides. A bottle of poster paint left open on the drainer. And the poor deluded soul muttering something which sounded like Forgive me Sigmund? WTG my old buddy friend Freud. LMAO. Promise not to desert me if I come and visit you like I promised you I would?
Sad I thought. He really doesnt see it does he? His phoney psychosis is an insult to those with a genuine psychiatric/psychological condition.
A-O!
Next stop the MRC (Misleading Research Contingent).
I thought; must get to the bottom of this. If fair play is to be seen to be done, then Dr. What and his fellow anti-organic theory of illness supporters deserve a hearing. Unbiased research to prove or disprove their assertions.
At the MRC I tried for the CEO. The Head Honcho by any other name. Had to settle for the relief caretaker (janitor). LOL. WTF?
Know anything about the research budget for CFS/ME/ICD? I asked in a very casual manner.
It just so happens I have the file right in front of me he replied.
I am on the verge of uncovering the truth. Is the MRC deliberately sidelining valuable medical science?
Then it dawned on me why the file was out.
SOB who answered the phone is security. Guys going to stall me, or start quoting the Official Secrets Act. LOL. Shred the documents any moment now. Sob. SOB.
It was right then I dropped the blas tone. I demand to know I said exactly how much the MRC has earmarked for researching non-organic causes into CFS/ME/IPD and I refuse, point blank, to be put off or misled or patronised etc. etc.?
Okay, okay. Hold your horses. Sounds of paper shuffling, thenFive to six hundred.
Mean or what? What was right. These guys dont give a stuff. LMAO
Half a million is a bit meagre I offered, feeling all of sudden a tad more sympathetic for Dr. What et al. Cant you stretch to a bit more?
No he replied, I meant, five to six hundred quid.
So I knew then not why or how or where but that was that for What.
A scientific cul-de-sac if ever I saw one.
Which, I suddenly recalled, I had.
Adam
(For non-UK members please note the Tardis is a time machine used by The Doctor.; the central character in the BBC TV series Dr. Who and Norfolk is completely flat!)
Does a virus cause ME/CFS/ICD?
A special report by our undercover investigative reporter XV (they call him MR XV)
First up readers. A small slice of background for the unenlightened.
British Medical authorities list much maligned illness ME/CFS (Misanthropic Egoitis/ Chronic Feasibleness Syndrome), also known as ICD or to give it its full name - Imperious College Disease (so called after an outbreak a few years ago at the world renowned centre of learning), as an Organic condition (unclassified) of unknown aetiology.
Major symptoms include:
Talking in riddles (Episodic)
Chronic invention and subsequent overuse of acronyms (Oxford Criteria only)
Uncontrollable chronic bouts of smugness
Hysteria/Paranoia (All criteria)
Chronic overuse of brackets in written material
Dislike or distrust of anyone who disagrees with them (Chronic)
Neurological symptoms include but are not limited to; sneering, talking in a condescending manner.
The disease, has to date been confined to small localised clusters. Outbreaks predominantly affecting Psychiatric Academics at the outer fringes of the profession.
The majority of the very vocal advocates in CFS/ME/ICD patient support groups (known as Gee-Hads), contend that the illness is psychological in nature, not organic. We do not, I repeat said Dr. Simian Weasel-Baum, a leading, pro-psycho-babble-somatic-disorder/anti-organic explanationist, we do not. LOL. LMAO, have an organic illness. WTF?
News that a lab in Never-Never land had uncovered a Retrograde virus known as XMRV (xenophobic misrepresentative retrograde virus) which is widely presumed to be the cause of the illness has angered leading support group activists, in particular, Weasel-Baum.
As the good doctor (who now insists on being known as Dr. What) is widely regarded as chief amongst the organic dissenters, I decided to catch up with him.
I found him at his Ski Lodge in Norfolk peeling sprouts. Reading Volume 26 of his own collected works - Somatic Disorders of the 20th Century. (NB. What had crossed out 20th, above it, scribbled 21st)
I introduced myself as the Peoples Champion, a champion of the people and newshound extraordinaire.
Come in, come in he said, sneering at me from the top step of his static caravan but OMG, dont bother sitting down - I dont like you.
Not a good start, I venture. Which made me feel somewhat nervous about broaching the subject of XMRV. But then I said to myself: why the hell did you come here in the first place XV, if not to get at the truth?
No doubt mention of the V word would provoke Dr. What into a tedious bout of smugness. Probably spark off a round of acronyms. Trigger an insidious attack of riddles. But, as Dr. What himself often says, WTF?
Xenophobic Misrepresentative Retrograde Virus?
XMRV!
He narrowed his eyes. Nonsense newshound. Anyone fool can see Im suffering from a highly complex somatic disorder. LOL.
You really do believe that I said dont you?
FU XV.
Charming. Touched a nerve there I thought quickly deciding to try a different approach.
Which was?
Let him do all the talking.
I waited. Finally he said WHO.
What? I said.
Yes he said.
Yes what? I said.
WHO. The World Health Organisation?
What about them What?
When Weasel-Baum or What or whatever pseudonym he was going under today failed to answer my question, I assumed just the mention of WHO was enough for him, What.
Point made (WHO supports his assertions that CFS/ME/ICD is a somatic disorder and not organic in nature) he looked horribly smug.
Tell me he said why on earth did Jill accompany Jack up the hill to fetch a pail of water when quite clearly there were adequate facilities near by?
Indeed. What had a point. And all the major symptoms, too. Not a shadow of a doubt in my mind now Dr. What had CFS/ME/IPD. The question was, was What correct in his assertions he had a somatic disorder? Or were the Never-Never land people going to nail this debate once and for all with the retrograde virus, XMRV?
I had no answer to Dr. What s riddle and left him in the galley kitchen of his Ski Lodge clutching a large cardboard box, which had been painted dark blue (presumably by himself) with the legend TARDIS etched on all four sides. A bottle of poster paint left open on the drainer. And the poor deluded soul muttering something which sounded like Forgive me Sigmund? WTG my old buddy friend Freud. LMAO. Promise not to desert me if I come and visit you like I promised you I would?
Sad I thought. He really doesnt see it does he? His phoney psychosis is an insult to those with a genuine psychiatric/psychological condition.
A-O!
Next stop the MRC (Misleading Research Contingent).
I thought; must get to the bottom of this. If fair play is to be seen to be done, then Dr. What and his fellow anti-organic theory of illness supporters deserve a hearing. Unbiased research to prove or disprove their assertions.
At the MRC I tried for the CEO. The Head Honcho by any other name. Had to settle for the relief caretaker (janitor). LOL. WTF?
Know anything about the research budget for CFS/ME/ICD? I asked in a very casual manner.
It just so happens I have the file right in front of me he replied.
I am on the verge of uncovering the truth. Is the MRC deliberately sidelining valuable medical science?
Then it dawned on me why the file was out.
SOB who answered the phone is security. Guys going to stall me, or start quoting the Official Secrets Act. LOL. Shred the documents any moment now. Sob. SOB.
It was right then I dropped the blas tone. I demand to know I said exactly how much the MRC has earmarked for researching non-organic causes into CFS/ME/IPD and I refuse, point blank, to be put off or misled or patronised etc. etc.?
Okay, okay. Hold your horses. Sounds of paper shuffling, thenFive to six hundred.
Mean or what? What was right. These guys dont give a stuff. LMAO
Half a million is a bit meagre I offered, feeling all of sudden a tad more sympathetic for Dr. What et al. Cant you stretch to a bit more?
No he replied, I meant, five to six hundred quid.
So I knew then not why or how or where but that was that for What.
A scientific cul-de-sac if ever I saw one.
Which, I suddenly recalled, I had.
Adam