Arius
Senior Member
- Messages
- 150
Hello.
Ostensibly I am on Day 7 of a home-bound Goenka-style Vipassana-inspired meditation "retreat." I am having a serious problem and am actually breaking protocol in search of advice.
Some Background Info
Numerous people over the years have recommended Vipassana to me, and I've wanted to try it for a long time. I had two primary concerns that prevented me from going:
1. my dietary needs and restrictions (to deal with SIBO/leaky gut) are extreme, non-negotiable, and completely incompatible with the food offered at the retreats.
2. I might be pressured to push myself physically in a way that would either permanently worsen my condition or force me to drop out of the retreat (and not be allowed to return... they are quite strict about the fact that you have to do 10 days, and, like the rest of the general population, I don't get the sense that they have any concept of what CFS/ME is).
A few weeks ago someone suggested Vipassana to me again and I felt very inspired to try it. Everyone has such a transformative, positive experience with it. But the barriers remained. So I decided to do the next best thing: my own home-bound retreat.
I blocked 10 days off in my schedule during which I cancelled all plans with friends and lovers, made no doctors appointments, etc. I read up on Vipassana made the following rules for myself:
no talking (except to roommates about important house business)
no writing (hi!)
no computer (cough)
no guitar
no books
no cellphone
no masturbating (suspect this is religious nonsense, but want to be as true to Vipassana as possible)
Basically for the past week I have done nothing but make food, eat, sleep, and meditate.
I read up on the schedule and was determined to follow it to the letter. Get up at 4 am, meditate, breakfast from 6:30am-8:00am, meditate until 11, lunch, meditate, no dinner, etc. I even found the Goenka lectures that students listen to from 7:00 to 8:15pm every evening on youtube and have been watching those one per day at the appropriate time.
My Concern: Insomnia
When I did my research, I was immediately somewhat concerned about the lack of sleep programmed right into the schedule. Even if I fell asleep bang at 9pm (as if!), getting up at 4am meant a maximum of 7 hours of sleep every night, which is less than I need. And I figured that realistically, it would probably be more like 9:30 or 10pm before I fell asleep, meaning 6 hours.
I normally feel like total garbage and am barely able to function if I get one night of less than 8 hours of sleep, and here in the Vipassana schedule it was required that I do that to myself for 10 nights in a row. I should have modified the schedule to include more sleep. But I really really wanted the benefits and was concerned that modifying the schedule would deprive me of the full experience. (I guess you could say I ironically crave equanimity in the face of cravings.)
Anyway. I went in with some concerns about sleep. What I was not prepared for was the insomnia that is apparently a normal and common reaction to Vipassana. I have been unable to find any information about what causes this, and nobody has anything to say about how to fix it.
You all know that sleep issues are part of CFS/ME. I spent years working on correcting my sleep cycle and have finally reached a place where I am basically getting a decent amount of sleep every night. Or WAS, before I started doing this Vipassana.
Now, after a long hard day of meditating, I go to bed and lay awake for hours. I’ve been averaging maybe 3 hours of sleep a night and feeling worse and worse every day. I’ve been experimenting with modifying the schedule a bit, trying to sleep in (I just end up laying in bed awake), doing less meditation, etc.
Yesterday (Day 6) I did 3 “Determination” sittings (not allowed to move for an hour while doing body scans) interspersed throughout the day and spent the rest of the day resting. I watched the Goenka talk at 7pm and did 30 minutes of meditation mainly just focusing on my breath.
I’ve also tried eating 3 full meals so that I’m not so hungry because I thought the hunger might be keeping me up at night.
Nothing has worked - I still spend most of the night awake. I am getting more and more depleted and am very worried about permanently damaging my health. Does anybody know what causes this or have advice about what to do?
The obvious solution is to stop the Vipassana altogether. Which it breaks my heart to do. But I think at this point I have no choice.
I still want to finish the 10 days if I can, even if it’s just me napping and not going on facebook etc the whole time. But I’m wondering if I might have to return to normal life. It would be super helpful to have some understanding or insight about what is keeping me awake so I can just modify my schedule instead of giving up.
Unfortunately the internet is full of unhelpful and even harmful (and frequently invalidating, dismissive, and gaslighting) comments from pro-Vipassana folks who have no concept of what CFS/ME is. “Let go of your attachment to sleep.” “Your problems are caused by your desires, not by the technique.” Etc. Fine for a health person. Not so great when the stress of a few bad nights sleep in a row can permanently reduce your quality of life.
I would really appreciate any info or experiences from people who share my illness.
Thanks,
Arius
P.S. This is an aside, as the main issue I have right now is just getting a full night’s sleep tonight, but I feel I must warn people: Vipassana meditation is far more physically and mentally taxing than I expected.
The worst part for me is actually the body scans. The focused attention required is completely exhausting. I can scan for about ten minutes to half an hour before my brain is totally exhausted and I need to rest for a few hours before going again. I learned this years ago with guitar – I can noodle around on guitar for a while without getting too tired, but if I “zoom in” to try to work on a particular chord change or exercise, and start really practising, I am rapidly depleted of energy. Mental focus is extremely energetically expensive, and this specific meditation practice requires 10.5 hours of mental focus a day.
Vipassana seems like a wonderful tool for physically healthy people, but in my opinion and experience it is dangerous for anybody suffering from post-exertion malaise.
TL;DR: What is the cause of Vipassana-induced insomnia, and what is the cure?
Ostensibly I am on Day 7 of a home-bound Goenka-style Vipassana-inspired meditation "retreat." I am having a serious problem and am actually breaking protocol in search of advice.
Some Background Info
Numerous people over the years have recommended Vipassana to me, and I've wanted to try it for a long time. I had two primary concerns that prevented me from going:
1. my dietary needs and restrictions (to deal with SIBO/leaky gut) are extreme, non-negotiable, and completely incompatible with the food offered at the retreats.
2. I might be pressured to push myself physically in a way that would either permanently worsen my condition or force me to drop out of the retreat (and not be allowed to return... they are quite strict about the fact that you have to do 10 days, and, like the rest of the general population, I don't get the sense that they have any concept of what CFS/ME is).
A few weeks ago someone suggested Vipassana to me again and I felt very inspired to try it. Everyone has such a transformative, positive experience with it. But the barriers remained. So I decided to do the next best thing: my own home-bound retreat.
I blocked 10 days off in my schedule during which I cancelled all plans with friends and lovers, made no doctors appointments, etc. I read up on Vipassana made the following rules for myself:
no talking (except to roommates about important house business)
no writing (hi!)
no computer (cough)
no guitar
no books
no cellphone
no masturbating (suspect this is religious nonsense, but want to be as true to Vipassana as possible)
Basically for the past week I have done nothing but make food, eat, sleep, and meditate.
I read up on the schedule and was determined to follow it to the letter. Get up at 4 am, meditate, breakfast from 6:30am-8:00am, meditate until 11, lunch, meditate, no dinner, etc. I even found the Goenka lectures that students listen to from 7:00 to 8:15pm every evening on youtube and have been watching those one per day at the appropriate time.
My Concern: Insomnia
When I did my research, I was immediately somewhat concerned about the lack of sleep programmed right into the schedule. Even if I fell asleep bang at 9pm (as if!), getting up at 4am meant a maximum of 7 hours of sleep every night, which is less than I need. And I figured that realistically, it would probably be more like 9:30 or 10pm before I fell asleep, meaning 6 hours.
I normally feel like total garbage and am barely able to function if I get one night of less than 8 hours of sleep, and here in the Vipassana schedule it was required that I do that to myself for 10 nights in a row. I should have modified the schedule to include more sleep. But I really really wanted the benefits and was concerned that modifying the schedule would deprive me of the full experience. (I guess you could say I ironically crave equanimity in the face of cravings.)
Anyway. I went in with some concerns about sleep. What I was not prepared for was the insomnia that is apparently a normal and common reaction to Vipassana. I have been unable to find any information about what causes this, and nobody has anything to say about how to fix it.
You all know that sleep issues are part of CFS/ME. I spent years working on correcting my sleep cycle and have finally reached a place where I am basically getting a decent amount of sleep every night. Or WAS, before I started doing this Vipassana.
Now, after a long hard day of meditating, I go to bed and lay awake for hours. I’ve been averaging maybe 3 hours of sleep a night and feeling worse and worse every day. I’ve been experimenting with modifying the schedule a bit, trying to sleep in (I just end up laying in bed awake), doing less meditation, etc.
Yesterday (Day 6) I did 3 “Determination” sittings (not allowed to move for an hour while doing body scans) interspersed throughout the day and spent the rest of the day resting. I watched the Goenka talk at 7pm and did 30 minutes of meditation mainly just focusing on my breath.
I’ve also tried eating 3 full meals so that I’m not so hungry because I thought the hunger might be keeping me up at night.
Nothing has worked - I still spend most of the night awake. I am getting more and more depleted and am very worried about permanently damaging my health. Does anybody know what causes this or have advice about what to do?
The obvious solution is to stop the Vipassana altogether. Which it breaks my heart to do. But I think at this point I have no choice.
I still want to finish the 10 days if I can, even if it’s just me napping and not going on facebook etc the whole time. But I’m wondering if I might have to return to normal life. It would be super helpful to have some understanding or insight about what is keeping me awake so I can just modify my schedule instead of giving up.
Unfortunately the internet is full of unhelpful and even harmful (and frequently invalidating, dismissive, and gaslighting) comments from pro-Vipassana folks who have no concept of what CFS/ME is. “Let go of your attachment to sleep.” “Your problems are caused by your desires, not by the technique.” Etc. Fine for a health person. Not so great when the stress of a few bad nights sleep in a row can permanently reduce your quality of life.
I would really appreciate any info or experiences from people who share my illness.
Thanks,
Arius
P.S. This is an aside, as the main issue I have right now is just getting a full night’s sleep tonight, but I feel I must warn people: Vipassana meditation is far more physically and mentally taxing than I expected.
The worst part for me is actually the body scans. The focused attention required is completely exhausting. I can scan for about ten minutes to half an hour before my brain is totally exhausted and I need to rest for a few hours before going again. I learned this years ago with guitar – I can noodle around on guitar for a while without getting too tired, but if I “zoom in” to try to work on a particular chord change or exercise, and start really practising, I am rapidly depleted of energy. Mental focus is extremely energetically expensive, and this specific meditation practice requires 10.5 hours of mental focus a day.
Vipassana seems like a wonderful tool for physically healthy people, but in my opinion and experience it is dangerous for anybody suffering from post-exertion malaise.
TL;DR: What is the cause of Vipassana-induced insomnia, and what is the cure?