Should I move? Your advice please!

[Juanita Vee]

Hello hello! Long story short: my parents are suggesting I move into the same apartment building as them so it is easier to help me out when I'm not feeling well. I don't really want to move. What are your opinions and advice?

Reasons for: Can get help from parents (mom will bring meals), it's cheaper to live there, I can continue to live on my own/independently (i.e., in my own apartment unit).

Reasons against: I don't want to move, I like my current building and apartment unit, moving is a lot of work

I have only been sick for about 2 years, undiagnosed, and have currently had to go on short-term disability. I keep thinking I will get better... but maybe it's time to prepare for long-term illness??

 

[Judee]

Is there only a small window of opportunity in the situation, i.e. you're nearing the end of your lease or the apartment at your parent's building is only available right now? If none of those (or other things I might not know about in your life) are factors now, you could wait a bit to make your decision. Something else could change that decides it for you.

I know. That probably doesn't help much. Maybe someone else will have a wiser answer for you.

 

[poetessinmotion]

@Juanita Vee, I'm exactly on the same position right now, only that I've finally decided to stay at my house and that my parents offered me to live at their flat, losing all independence and real space for myself.

I guess it depends on many factors: where are you in the illness spectrum, what your needs are, if you still can take care of yourself or not, if you like where you live and how do you feel about leaving your space and how much independence would you still have.

It is difficult to know how you will feel unless you experience it beforehand. I would suggest you to move for a few days with them to see how it would feel to have them closer. Sometimes the dynamics we have with our parents can only be healthy if we don't live together or in the same place. I don't know if that is your case and how is the relation with them.

Also, be sure they clearly know and understand your real needs. Maybe they can prepare your meals and clean but I don't know if they understand how sound or chemical sensitivity is. For instance, my mom who knows I have chemical sensitivity came home to clean my bathroom and brought her products which I don't tolerate instead of using my organic ones... "Small" things like that are also important.

And one thing is to think about advantages and drawbacks rationally and another one is to see how you feel with this. Even if your illness is longterm you deserve to live your life at the fullest within your possibilities. Which option would give you more happiness on an every day basis? This question has been the clue for me.

 

[Shoshana]

HI, @Juanita Vee

Those 2 replies, from @Judee and from @poetessinmotion are excellent, in my view.

I agree with all their ideas.

 

[Dechi]

Is there only a small window of opportunity in the situation, i.e. you're nearing the end of your lease or the apartment at your parent's building is only available right now? If none of those (or other things I might not know about in your life) are factors now, you could wait a bit to make your decision. Something else could change that decides it for you.

I know. That probably doesn't help much. Maybe someone else will have a wiser answer for you.

I have the exact same opinion.

 

[Juanita Vee]

Thanks everyone! There isn't a rush to move, and I really don't want to, but I feel like my wants should take second place to my kind family who is willing to help look after me. I am going to take some time before making any decisions. I am doing ok on my own. I haven't been officially diagnosed with CFS, I've only had it a couple years and my doctor is only finally referring me to a specialist (she has tried other things, she's a good doctor, it's just been a slow journey). I really appreciate the input!! Thanks again!

 

[Shoshana]

HI Juanita, it is nice to hear from you again!

I think it would also be important to your family, how moving would effect YOU, overall. They want to be helpful, so might not want you to do something that might not make you happy, after a while.

It also sounds to me, that it is well worth your focusing on trying to see if you can get more info on your medical situation, and hopefully you will find some ways to attempt to possibly improve.
Perhaps focus on that, first, and not prioritise moving, which might be premature.

I am glad that your family is kind and wants to help....but your wants, are important too. We give up a lot of things, while being ill, but it is good to keep as much as you are able, of the things you like.

 

[poetessinmotion]

I completely agree with @Shoshana. Families that help and want to help should take into account not only our needs but our desires, what is important for us and respect as much as possible our need to be independent and have a life.

I know it is difficult because so many times we depend on others for support and we feel we should make things easier for them, but it is not actually the way it goes. I learned so much from my friends with different disabilities who have very clear in their mind that they keep their independence with supports, and the words here are important. To get support, not help. One shouldn't have to ask for help, a person with disability should have the support to be able to have the best life possible, which is a right as a human being.

As @Shoshana said, we lose so much with this illness and we have already given up so many things. Our happiness matters. Please, put yourself on the first place.

 

[Juanita Vee]

Great news, my family suddenly changed their minds! There is no more pressure, the situation has resolved itself for now! Thank you all for your help! I'm definitely open to moving if I need to, but I'm so thankful I can follow my heart's desire for now.

 

[Shoshana]

@Juanita Vee
We are thankful for that, too!

We like the feedback, and we like your honesty and sharing with us. Very glad you can do what you actually want to do, at this point. We like good news, too.

 

[Seven7]

I was on same boat not wanting to move but was the perfect decision.
The thing is, we can relapse and get worst, since you cannot guess the future, I would do the move. I have relapse where I can’t even go to bathroom and I don’t imagine if you are away from family ( assuming your relarionhsip is good).
The trick of moving is to pack smartly, labeling the boxes where they will go into the new house and have a list of what is where. Packing the things you need inmidiately separately. Then you have your whole live to unpack the rest!!!!

 

[Shoshana]

Or she might improve. Or might stay the same. Or a person might find other ways to deal with severe relapse, if/when they have one.
Or a person might need or not need, to decide to move in the future.

I am glad that helped you, Seven. It was the right decision for you, and at the time you did it.
I am very glad you made the decision that you know was right for you. Sometimes, as you said, we don't want to do something, but it turns out to be best to find a way to do it.

Some people have not been sick for as long, or have other things to consider.


It helps some people to move in with, or close to, family members, and for others, it doesn't help and adds more difficulties and stressors. Some do it, and regret it, afterwards, for various reasons.