1989
I am in a small town in Alsace for my year abroad. I started the year determined, once again, to ignore my symptoms and ‘act normal’ as advised by my dismissive college GP, hoping that this time – four years since I first got ill and still with no idea what is going on – it might work. Within a couple of months I have completely collapsed again and am iller than ever. A couple of GP appointments and one round of clear standard blood tests and I find myself sent to see a psychiatrist. I’m willing to do pretty much anything that might help me get better. I am beginning to wonder if I am actually going mad since nobody can find any explanation for all my symptoms. At worst it will be an interesting experience and I will get to practice my French.
He starts by firing questions at me. Things start to unravel when he gets to ‘Tell me about your boyfriend’ and I have to admit that I don’t have one. This is apparently NOT NORMAL and NOT HEALTHY for a young woman of 21 and is probably the cause of all my problems.
I am sceptical about the idea that not having a boyfriend could be causing overwhelming exhaustion, muscle weakness, unbearable pain, dizziness, nausea, bowel problems, constant headaches, and the myriad of other symptoms I am experiencing which are all made worse by any kind of exertion. I tell him that a) although I do eventually want to marry and have children I am currently quite happy not having a boyfriend b) I know several other 21-year-olds who don’t have boy/girlfriends who are quite healthy and c) I did had a boyfriend for a while the previous year and that seemed to make me more, not less, ill as it was so exhausting seeing him as well as trying to manage my degree.
He is excited by the former boyfriend: ‘Why did it end?’, ‘What was your sex life like?’.
I have foolishly come into this encounter thinking that honesty is the best policy so I tell him that we didn’t sleep together. He nearly falls off his chair with shock. This is even more NOT NORMAL and NOT HEALTHY than not having a boyfriend. I explain that I am aware that in wider society this is unusual but that in evangelical Christian circles it is still common to save sex for marriage.
The psychiatrist declares that this is definitely the cause of all my health issues. He interrogates me for a while on the subjects of sex, faith, and God and then considers.
‘Masturbation’ he says.
