My neighbor said I'm rude

[Carrigon]

Well, here's what happened. I've been too sick to go out for days. She left me a loaf of bread at my door, which I almost didn't even know about cause I haven't been going out. I was going to leave her a thank you note when I felt a bit better. I do not have her phone number. And she didn't even leave a note with it, nor did she tell me she would be doing it. I found it by accident when I had to take my cat's litter out. And then I was too sick to go out again to leave her a note.

So I ended up seeing her tonight because my friend came over, also without telling me she was going to come over. Which is a whole other thing I could rant about. No one gets it that I'm sick.

So we stopped at my neighbor for awhile and during our stay, she said she hates it when she gives people stuff and they don't say thank you. And this after I did say it. She has been told I'm sick and can't go out much. And like I said, I do not have her phone number, and had no knowledge she was even leaving me something. What does she expect. When I'm too sick to go out, I'm too sick. And everything waits. But I really was going to leave her a note as soon as I could.

So, what can I say, let her think I'm rude. But if you're not going to even tell someone you are leaving them something and they are sick, don't expect them to come running over to thank you right away. It did make me feel bad, because when I was healthy, I used to always not only say thanks, I would give something back in return. But right now, I'm too sick and I'm very poor and I don't have anything to give anyone.

So that happened. And like I said, my friend came over without telling me she was coming, which I really hate when people do that because I'm sick and super sick lately. And I wasn't dressed, of course, because I wasn't expecting anyone. And she kept rushing me and being impatient. And I just wanted to scream, like what do you expect when you don't tell someone you are coming. Don't expect them to be all dressed and ready to run out the door. UGH. So really, who is the rude one?

And now I'm paying in spades for going out. I am so, so ill with a raging fever, blasting headache and pain all over. Trust me, it wasn't worth it. Mentally, it gave me a lift to go out, which is why I did it, but physically, absolutely not worth the hell.

 

[taniaaust1]

It would look very odd to someone who dont know the full story. After all you did go visiting her with a friend visiting you, in her eyes she would of seen you well enough to be doing things with your other friend while at same time saying you werent well enough to have any time/energy to thank her.
Maybe when you are feeling better some, write her a note explaining what you said here, she's otherwise not to know your friend was over uninvited and talked you into going to visit her while still quite ill.

Sounds like you need to enforce better boundries with your other friend.

Be weller soon.
Tania

 

[Boule de feu]

An interesting read on the subject:

http://gilpizano.com/personal-development/mentoring/give-gift-expecting-return/

Your neighbour does not understand the true meaning of a gift:
Making a person feel better (i.e. YOU!) is what she should expect. Nothing else.
It's not the other way around.

Good luck.

 

[Esther12]

CFS is hard to understand - for neighbours as well as patients. I feel bad for both of you, and can understand how CFS patient's behaviour could be misinterpreted as rudeness. Maybe it would be worth taking to time to explain how variable your condition is and why you felt hurt by her hint about rudeness, then thank her again for the bread and ask for her phone number?

I've had attempts to explain myself go badly in the past though, so can't pretend this is sure to improve things.

Try not to feel too bad about it - these things happen. I find that I can over-think social interactions now that I have so many fewer of them.

 

[Nielk]

Hi Carrigon,

Firstly, you have to always remember that being in the situation you are in, you really have to take care of yourself BEFORE anyone else.
Secondly, obsessing and stressing about something that already happened is futile. You are where you are and you can only do what you are able to do, Stressing will just make everything worse. Calm down. I guess the neighbor knows that you are sick? Is that why she bought over the bread? Why did she just leave it outside? without a card - how did you know it was from her?
It was a nice gesture from her part and I agree with the others that when you have a better
day, you should go over to the neighbor and explain the fluctuation of your illness and how much you appreciate her gift.
I agree with Esther that you are over thinking this and the neighbor is probably not thinking anything of it.
As far as your friend just dropping by to take you out when you were sick - you should have refused, Maybe asked her to stay with you for a while to keep you company.
I feel like you have to be more assertive - only because you are taking care of an ill person - yourself and that should be your #1 concern. Tell your friend next time to call you first. It would have been good if she saw you the next day. She would have seen with her eyes what you have to suffer through.

 

[Carrigon]

The problem with my friend is, she was here. I wasn't taking phone calls all week, but we would email, and I kept telling her I was sick. She still showed up anyway, like there was no way to refuse.

My neighbor just likes to leave stuff. But I really think you should ask someone first if it's okay to do that. I would have actually said no because I don't check outside my door. When I'm too sick to go out, I stay in and that's it. I only open the door when I have to throw out garbage or check my snail mail. But I'm usually in here for up to a week or more without ever opening the door. If she ever left something that really spoiled, that would be bad.

 

[maddietod]

Why did you go out at all when your friend came over? I mean, if she wants to come for a surprise visit when you've told her you're not feeling well, why not just greet her from your bed/couch (wherever she finds you) and thank her profusely for coming to entertain you when you're stuck in bed?

 

[alice1]

Like some people here have already said I think it would be a nice jesture to write your neighbour a note and explain (again) you haven't been well,haven't left the house etc...and thank her..again.it's ok to say you're sorry.You probably are in a way.
And maybe a little pissed at yourself for not staying home as you're paying for it.
Set the boundaries for yourself and follow through.It's one thing we can control.I hope you pick up very soon.

 

[*GG*]

The problem with my friend is, she was here. I wasn't taking phone calls all week, but we would email, and I kept telling her I was sick. She still showed up anyway, like there was no way to refuse.

Would it have been possible to not answer the door, since she knew you were sick all week?! Perhaps the next time she would get the hint?

GG

 

[taniaaust1]

The problem with my friend is, she was here. I wasn't taking phone calls all week, but we would email, and I kept telling her I was sick. She still showed up anyway, like there was no way to refuse.

In the past when a friend did that to me... I stayed in bed. It meant they had to get a chair and bring it to the bedroom just to chat to me.. it meant I didnt make them coffee etc etc I asked them to make their own and while at it get me a drink too as after all.. Im sick.... I think that helped them be more aware that I meant what I said.. and that I was in in bed. Sometimes that is the only way to get friends to understand.

People do get confused when our actions arent meeting our words and sometimes they actually need to be made to believe it before they can. It's bothersome but many people are like that and wont believe unless they see it for themselves.

I often ask my psychotherapist for tips on dealing with others... as it can be hard as not only are we sick, but we need to learn how to deal well with others and what the things they do too and often need to change what they are doing.

 

[Carrigon]

Well, I doubt I can go out with her again for a very long time. I'm really sick now. If she comes over again, I'm just going to have to tell her I can't go anywhere. I should put a sign on my door that says I'm sick and resting, do not disturb.

I think I'm worse today than I was yesterday. I don't know when I can go out again.

 

[alice1]

I'm sorry you're feeling so badly.It just simply sucks.
Hopefully you'll pick up sooner than later.

 

[Carrigon]

Thanks ) Bad days and better days, at least the bad days don't stay forever.

 

[maz]

I agree, if I'm not well enough to take calls I know that anyone knocking on the door is not going to be someone I want to see (cos I don't want to speak to anyone) so I don't answer. I do try to text people to say I'm not well so will call you when I feel better and in all cases bar one, that works nicely. They know I'm not dead if I do that! I don't answer the phone always as I don't want a conversation about how horrible I feel which leaves the other person feeling bad and me even worse! Even worse if it's someone who is likely to ask me to do something I can't possibly do at that time. I do have one friend though and no matter what I say or do, he still plagues me by phone which stresses me out big time., He is also a very kind and helpful person (when on occassion we are in the same country) and sensitive to any criticism (while being conveniently thick skinned to my situation) so trying to tactfully get my point accross without destroying his self esteem has so far proved impossible. In this case I just have to resort to ignoring the calls altogether (I have told him when I am in a crash, I put the phone on silent and don't answer but he is a persistent and thinks if he carries on, I am bound to pick up eventually. Sorry, all the last part was me letting of steam! About the bread, get the womans mobile number then you can at least send her a short text and that will be that! I am only just learning to say no to outings I will live to regret, very difficult with so much isolation and lonliness. As soon as I feel I can walk, I want to get back into the world but am beginning to learn that slowly wins the race.

 

[Carrigon]

Yes, that's part of the problem. If I didn't go out with her, I wasn't sure if I would actually leave the apartment till Sept. So I pushed it. And now I'm paying for it in spades.

The persistent ones do seem to be kind hearted, but they just don't understand that we aren't well enough. This friend of mine has a history of pushing like this. Even when she is told no. She just doesn't get it that no really means no.

 

[taniaaust1]

Well, I doubt I can go out with her again for a very long time. I'm really sick now. If she comes over again, I'm just going to have to tell her I can't go anywhere. I should put a sign on my door that says I'm sick and resting, do not disturb.

I think I'm worse today than I was yesterday. I don't know when I can go out again.

I once tried the sign on door thing.. it didnt work. (but maybe cause that friend has Aspergers).

I hope you are into your better days soon.

 

[edwards.kevin41]

Last Christmas I and my wife went for gift shopping. We bought some lovely gifts for our friends and family. But the day we were supposed to go and give gift, I wasnt well. I felt bad for my wife. But she is understanding and surprisingly most of our family and friends are not. As long as your dear ones understand you, there is nothing to worry about. I am lucky to have such an understanding wife.

 

[Mary Poppins]

Two things stuck out for me from your post, Carrigon.

1) What kind of game is your neighbour playing with you? What is it that she wants? In purchasing items for you, leaving them outside, unannounced, unlabelled and then exhibiting covert and passive aggressive behaviours towards you, who is in the positon of power? As far as I could tell, you had received no positivity at all from the seemingly 'neighbourly gesture for the sick person'. That one little incident left you stressed, confused, angry and guilty.

2) What is it that your friend wants from you? Why does she push so hard and achieve only what she wants? Sure, people do find it difficult to understand, they do. And friends will miss your company dearly when you've been away for a while. But no true friend ever, should disrespect your wishes so blatantly.

 

[bigmama2]

hi c,
i have put a note on my frony door- that says- resting- do not disturb. it was very helpful!