Moving House with ME/CFS part 2

mermaid

Senior Member
Messages
709
Likes
1,343
Location
UK
I think you are doing amazing. Since i want to move ive been wondering if I would be ok just taking absolute essentials. But that causes angst because i really like all the stuff worked hard to accumulate. Yet the thought of packing even if i hire someone to do it seens like too hard and damaging. And i think once stuff in boxes im never going to take tgem out, so why bother? Feels almost one of those dreans where you got something really cool only to wake upmand realize it was all just a dream. What was the point of it if i just have to give it all up.

Hope you bounce back faster than it seems now when you finally make the transition.
Thank you @vision blue I tried to weigh up the pros and cons at the start and that's different for every situation. If I was going to and end point alone it would not be possible, or worth it, but it does mean more support for me when I get there.

Yes, it is very hard to leave stuff behind that you get attached to. In my case my biggest attachment has been my garden. My energy has ebbed and flowed over the 18 yrs here, along with the ability to manage it. I now fear that the flowing may never be up to the task, and paying someone to do it took part of the joy of it away too.

One good thing about moving to this retirement flat is that to some extent there will be a mini social life on my doorstep if all goes pear shaped with outside energy. Just a game of Scrabble and a cup of tea, a few feet from my door maybe all I can manage some days but it's there if I want it, with other human faces also in the same boat, (maybe not with ME but with cranky old age!)
 

mermaid

Senior Member
Messages
709
Likes
1,343
Location
UK
I'm in my 40's and relatively severe these days (not bedbound, but can't stand without assistance). I dread the idea of moving and can't imagine how I'd complete it, so definitely understand how much it can take out of you. Even on a good day, moving is extremely difficult and slightly traumatic. And unfortunately few of us here get good days.

The internet really does make location less important. I've thought about that a lot as I like where I am, but likely will be forced to move at some point for financial issues (aka going broke). But if you're somewhere where Amazon delivers and you have reliable internet access, that makes up for a lot.

Also are there people you can hire to help? I needed some things done around the house pre-COVID, and even organizing my clothes was beyond me. It wasn't ideal having a stranger do it since I couldn't find a friend to help that much, but I never could've completed the task.

I hope the move allows you more relaxation in the end.
@hapl808 I am sorry to hear how severe you are - I often wonder how people manage with moving if they are so limited. In the UK at least, many are in privately rented accommodation with limited rental agreements, and I often wonder how the sick and disabled manage to get their lives together to move on. I feel very fortunate that when that was happening in my life that I was young and fit.

One of the reasons that this place is so difficult is that there is no road front or back, just a footpath, so as I age, (I am 70 this year) on top of having ME would be very hard for me as I cannot even get to the periphery of my property (say for a hospital emergency) without a big effort. Even putting the rubbish out entails a lot of energy walking up a steep path to the top where my bin is, and then taking it a bit further in the wheelie bin (though the Council would do that 2nd bit if I asked for it). So yes, the internet is amazing for deliveries but it doesn't deal with getting rid of the packaging afterwards!

My new place is on the flat and all the maintenance is taken care of, so there will be less to do, so it seems worth this struggle. With regard to hiring someone....I think if this issue had been ongoing then it would have been worth finding someone. I felt that if I began early enough then I could do it in small chunks and as yet I have been able to do that.

I just realise that I pushed myself too hard with doing the voluntary work on top. I do that for my mental health in part, as I feel lonely here but now have dropped to once a week and already I feel more rested. I have been pushing myself for so long, that I had not noticed or accepted that it was harming me. I am retired so I don't have to do it, but it's been the part of me that wanted to be 'normal' whatever that is!!
 

mermaid

Senior Member
Messages
709
Likes
1,343
Location
UK
Don't let the stuff weight you down. Your health (whatever remains of it) is so much more important than physical objects. I'd recommend (take it or not, as you like) to free yourself from the burden of rehoming everything. Trying to be funny here- but a set of old books or plates is not a pet that needs to go to a good home. It's just a thing. The removal people said they could get rid of whatever you didn't give away, yes?

This is on my mind as I will be moving soon and looking at getting rid of most of my things. For so long, they symbolized my identity, but now I must let them go. I can try to hold onto my past self as an intellectual, but maybe the wiser course of action is to admit that I can no longer read and let the books go. It's painful, and one more loss in a series of losses this illness inflicts. But they are, after all, just things. I try to ask myself, what will I really need when I am bedridden? My family.
@wabi-sabi Well some of the rehoming will definitely be done by the removal firm as there are limits even to my ingenuity and energy to do that where larger items are involved. I guess I do have a certain pride in keeping things from landfill if I can, and I have to say that in the process of some of the items, I have had some wonderful chats on the doorstep giving things away to people who wanted them. One person was over the moon with the vintage 1970s toys I gave them!

I think some of the paperwork has probably sucked most energy out of me, as it involved sorting through files of the stuff I had kept. I don't know how many people feel the necessity to shred personal info now? I have been taught that it's necessary re identity theft, but I suspect that I am following in my late husband's OTT nature in shredding every item with my address on it. I consulted the internet on this where identity theft probably occurs the most and it still seems to advise to do so! I am still working on my husband's files and a lot of that was financial so I shredded it. At least I bought myself a decent shredder.

I do think that your self reflection on what is needed for your own life is completely valid. I suspect that as time goes on my own priorities will change and I will need to reassess. I spent Dec 2019 (and some of Jan 2020) clearing my mother's house after she died at the age of 97, followed by my husband's death in Mar 2021, and then sorting many of his possessions. It's a sobering process and I have a friend in her 80s who is clearing for the sake of her family as much as herself. In my mother's case, she hoarded, and very little had been sorted for years!! So I am left to some extent now with extra things that I cannot yet part with, but probably will in time (my husband's mostly).
 
Last edited:

mermaid

Senior Member
Messages
709
Likes
1,343
Location
UK
Thank you so much for the update.

Can you see if there are any local estate sale companies that would come in and sell the items you no longer wish to keep?
@Judee Luckily in terms of major items, I only have about 3 bits of furniture, and 3 white goods items which at present I have offered to the buyer for free. I am waiting for their reply, and apparently the removal company will take the white goods to be auctioned and pay me something back for them if the buyer doesn't want them (neither are very new but I will need them until the last day). They will also take the other 3 items away for me, but I think I have to pay them. I can give one of them (the bed) to a local charity but the other 2 are not great quality so maybe not worth anything much.
 

vision blue

What big eyes...
Messages
1,660
Likes
2,154
I like your messages because you are putting into words all the things that are on my mind!

A clear no brainer for you - how do you even get groceries up the foot path? Does mail and packages come up to your door?

Amazing how in control of all details you are still managing to do. - like the re homing of things as best you can first rather than saying hell with it allThat's awesom.
One reason change has been hard for me lately is I need to have things exactly a certain way with no surprises and well spaced out and having thought it through 100 timnes to make sure I can minimize disruption to my hard to achieve homeostasis- it's time consuming and draining and not the most efficient way to get stuff done

i've been throwing out stuff both so that no one will have to go through my junk (just parted with hundreds of pages of math equations- i'll never go back to them and decided whoever found that woulnd't be appropriately impressed with my derivations anyway and theyd just go in the bin w/o a glance. so i chucked them. Now deciding on the love letters...those would get more attention! people have their priorities backwards...)
As I mentioned though, stuff that's left is stuff i like or need and there's nothing left to throuw out- i think. like you, alot of what i keep are things that belonged to someone else who had meaning for me, or stuff they gave me.

your social stuff can go either way, but of course i'm senstivie to noise so when you say retirement flat i picture closing and opening doors alot, loud tvs when trying to sleep, neighbors with insomnia... How's the insulation there? is the flat in a high rise or how does that work?

you clearly made right decision.

hope you end up making a new garden that's the envy of all your neigbhors and the talk of your complex.
 

mermaid

Senior Member
Messages
709
Likes
1,343
Location
UK
@vision blue to reply to one of your last points first.....unfortunately, I too am noise sensitive though I react to some noises negatively more than others. It is an issue that worries me for sure, as there is so little control over neighbour's noise and modern flats I know can be particularly bad for noise if they are not well built. I would not move into a normal block of flats for fear of all night parties etc, or a neighbour who liked to play loud music.

In a retirement flat I think it reduces the chance of some kinds of noises in normal flats, (loud rock music/loud quarrelling couples - both of which I have endured in my lifetime!). I did ask my son to check for this factor when he was looking at the flat for me, but of course that is just a snapshot visit. The flat that I have bought will only have a neighbour one side of me, and one above, and the bedroom is not next to the party wall, so that would only be affected from on top, so I am hopeful it will be OK. The other thing is that there is a manager on hand 5 days a week so if there are any very severe issues of noise, hopefully I can raise them with her and she will help to sort them out (something not available in a normal flat).

In my current house with footpath, I do thankfully get grocery deliveries OK (I bet the shop people hate my house as it has a long sloping path downwards and they often carry the baskets for ease), and the post delivers to the door. The parking issues (not possible outside the house due to the footpath), was definitely a factor in trying to sell the house, as people love their cars and want to keep an eye on them! When we moved here, we saw lack of cars as a bonus as it is quieter and less polluted! My new flat is around the back of the building and not near the car park and the road is not busy so that is a a bonus.

Today I have someone coming for probably the last item I will try to rehome - a rather tricky niche item that cost quite a bit - a hand made wooden rag rugging frame!! I think it could be adapted for embroidery use as it comes with large clips that I bought separately. I live on quite a poor estate (with a stunning view - see my profile pic), and some of the the items (like my late husband's wellington boots) have gone to people who really appreciate the items for free. The woman who is coming for this item lives just up the road. They are not supposed to sell anything that is given, but I honestly would not mind if they did! The only reason I own my own home is due to luck (I inherited the house via my mother in law's inheritance money) and then more recently inherited myself via a cousin, and a little via my mother. I like to pass a little of my luck on to others.

As you are doing your own clearances, are you too in the older age bracket as I am? Now I am nearly 70 I suddenly realise how little of my life may be left. I nodded my head at your description of chucking away the maths equations - not that I have any of those, but things that once seemed so dear and impossible to part with have gone that way. Some went in previous moves (there were many at one time 13 moves in 13 years I think at one point). Some I cannot quite manage but maybe will down the line. I too have love letters and as they are between my late husband and myself, I feel I should keep them for my sons.

The 'need to have things a certain way' - the 'homeostasis' - is that due to the ME condition or another reason? I do find myself that as I get older, my anxiety levels increase with any changes and it will certainly take me a long time to navigate outside of the new flat. I have to plan endlessly when I go anywhere and I tend to be meticulous with any planning as my brain works so slowly now (hence thinking of the moving details!).
 

vision blue

What big eyes...
Messages
1,660
Likes
2,154
Now I remember you mentioning that some sounds bother you in an earlier post or thread. Some bother me alot more than others btw.

you choose well- end unit, etc. If there's decent insulation from upstairs and you're not hearing any tap tap tap of a cane...you should be fine and as you say i'm sure you can discuss with manager as well as neighbors if you do and its probably a like minded community. (I've had the fighting couples too- or one anyway- a mentall ill young woman who used to scream at her husband every earlly morning) There's no insulation where I am currently and drives me nuts. Right now for instance as I'm typing this, I hear the neighor's TV underneath me. Comes right throught ceiling/ wood floors. Rugs don't really help; they just dampen echos but still hear TV. hear the words and everything. So I turned on both my TV and radio via amazon echo to drown it out.

Did they film Doc Martin anywhere near you?

Will send you a pm about the rest.
 

mermaid

Senior Member
Messages
709
Likes
1,343
Location
UK
I really do feel for you with regard to your neighbour's noise. I would hate that and without insulation there is little you can do about it.

I believe that there is some kind of ruling with some properties (ie flats) that they should have carpet and not hard flooring (or did I dream that up?) because carpet deadens the sounds so much better, but with this fashion for hard floors no wonder people have noise issues. Hopefully all the old people in the flats I am moving to will have carpets.

No Doc Marten was filmed away up on the North coast at Port Isaac. I am in Newlyn, right down the far west in Penwith. The photo on my profile is St Michael's Mount taken through my window with a Zoom lens on a stormy day. Today it sits in a blue sea with a clear blue sky.