Sometimes people have asked me what its like to have M.E. We all have different experiences, but one such experience struck me a few years ago. Most of what Ive written below is from a diary I kept at the time. I know its quite vague, even disturbing for some, but what is crucially important to me is to get across the absolutely overwhelmingly crushing despair that we all feel at times. I havent managed to achieve this, I hope others will do a better job. I am so fed up of those close to me having no idea of what we really go through. How could they ? Sure, but we need the power of language to help us. We can all contribute until eventually we can have something like a blueprint.
One poster whos name I forget recently said that one of the symptoms was like experiencing 3G ( G for gravity ) What a brilliant description, thank you.
One of my experiences is the abdominal pain I sometimes feel upon awakening. It feels like I have been punched hard in the abdomen ( and although Ive gotten my breath back ) that pain is still there, and it doesnt go away, often for many hours.
Every man has his breaking point; on 13th April 2007 mine atomised beyond recognisation by influences I could never understand. I was suffering so much pain, pain that the English language has yet to capture; elusive and secretive it remains hidden in an inadequate mixture of farrogos consumed and regurgitated by psychiatrists, doctors, only to be promulgated as something it is not.
My grinding teeth sapped the pain, where from I dont know, where to I dont care. My head slowly pressed against the floor, harder and harder.
What if I press my skin hard and with a blunt instrument, what if punch my stomach firmly, what if I punch this wall or that wall ? What ridiculous thoughts ! Besides I had tried them many times before and save for a fleeting cathartic relief, they had failed.
I was crying uncontrollably, inconsolably, unshaking in my belief that I couldnt get through this. Feelings and emotions, where do they really come from ? I was soaked in a visceral and vicious outpouring of murderous anger forged and fused with an insatiable desire for love. Please help me someone, anyone; just wrap your arms around me and tell me you care, that you will not let me die and that I am to be loved, even for a moment. To ask for more would be too much, to ask for less would be more than I could take.
I can remember crying, for what seemed an eternity. I remember seductive suicidal tendencies spreading their tentacles across my psyche whilst the walls closed in and the only means of escape drifted in and out like a tormenting chimera. What irony, what strange perversions of reality are made when suicide itself should dance so freely with our want for self-destruction.
I was breaking down emotionally and spiritually, feeling more dead than alive I found myself curling into a ball, compacting my body into a foetal position. They say that in life we make a journey that is circular in nature; why at this point in my life was I longing for a time before I was born. Could we be living in hell and not even know it ? Where are we, who are we ?
So many people end their lives because they believe that in doing so they will go to a better place. What if they are wrong, that the place they go to is actually infinitely worse ? What a shocking idea.
Every thought Id ever had was pouring into a black hole descending down, down, deeper and down. Everything that made me the person I am was being violently shaken down to a quantum paradigm and beyond. And still I kept crying, and still I kept falling; until I fell no longer.
I made it through to the other side, but what I went through I will never know. But I do know this; this illness is like no other. There is so much more that we dont know, there are so many influences that we can never trace. Are we part of a master plan ? Maybe. Will we one day know the truth ? You decide.
Kind regards, Mark
One poster whos name I forget recently said that one of the symptoms was like experiencing 3G ( G for gravity ) What a brilliant description, thank you.
One of my experiences is the abdominal pain I sometimes feel upon awakening. It feels like I have been punched hard in the abdomen ( and although Ive gotten my breath back ) that pain is still there, and it doesnt go away, often for many hours.
Every man has his breaking point; on 13th April 2007 mine atomised beyond recognisation by influences I could never understand. I was suffering so much pain, pain that the English language has yet to capture; elusive and secretive it remains hidden in an inadequate mixture of farrogos consumed and regurgitated by psychiatrists, doctors, only to be promulgated as something it is not.
My grinding teeth sapped the pain, where from I dont know, where to I dont care. My head slowly pressed against the floor, harder and harder.
What if I press my skin hard and with a blunt instrument, what if punch my stomach firmly, what if I punch this wall or that wall ? What ridiculous thoughts ! Besides I had tried them many times before and save for a fleeting cathartic relief, they had failed.
I was crying uncontrollably, inconsolably, unshaking in my belief that I couldnt get through this. Feelings and emotions, where do they really come from ? I was soaked in a visceral and vicious outpouring of murderous anger forged and fused with an insatiable desire for love. Please help me someone, anyone; just wrap your arms around me and tell me you care, that you will not let me die and that I am to be loved, even for a moment. To ask for more would be too much, to ask for less would be more than I could take.
I can remember crying, for what seemed an eternity. I remember seductive suicidal tendencies spreading their tentacles across my psyche whilst the walls closed in and the only means of escape drifted in and out like a tormenting chimera. What irony, what strange perversions of reality are made when suicide itself should dance so freely with our want for self-destruction.
I was breaking down emotionally and spiritually, feeling more dead than alive I found myself curling into a ball, compacting my body into a foetal position. They say that in life we make a journey that is circular in nature; why at this point in my life was I longing for a time before I was born. Could we be living in hell and not even know it ? Where are we, who are we ?
So many people end their lives because they believe that in doing so they will go to a better place. What if they are wrong, that the place they go to is actually infinitely worse ? What a shocking idea.
Every thought Id ever had was pouring into a black hole descending down, down, deeper and down. Everything that made me the person I am was being violently shaken down to a quantum paradigm and beyond. And still I kept crying, and still I kept falling; until I fell no longer.
I made it through to the other side, but what I went through I will never know. But I do know this; this illness is like no other. There is so much more that we dont know, there are so many influences that we can never trace. Are we part of a master plan ? Maybe. Will we one day know the truth ? You decide.
Kind regards, Mark