Lament and Miracles in my Desert

Atlas

"And the last enemy to be destroyed is death."
Messages
137
Location
New Zealand
This past 18 or so months has been possibly the most painful in my life.

But at some point it has also become the most hopeful.

I would like to share some of how that happened, if that's OK. It's quite supernatural because my hope has been found in Christ and in his responses to me — that's why I have put this in the spirituality section.

I have cobbled it all together mostly from the journal notes I already have on my phone, so I have put it in three sections:

1. Lament
2. Rainbows
3. My Desert

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Right up until my ME became severe, I had been studying Christian theology. Perhaps prescient of the deep suffering that was about to come upon me, one of the last papers I took was "Theology of Suffering and Hope". There is one thing I learnt about during my studies that has been so so helpful to me, and that is the practice of lament.

Lament to me is about being real with myself and with God about the brokenness in me and around me — and handing my anguish over to him; and about crying out to ask him why all this is happening; how long must it go on; and about turning towards hope that although everything has been munted, he is all about restoration. What is broken he will restore. What is unjust he will repay and remove. What is hurting will be healed. Because "God is not willing evil into existence. He's willing evil out of existence".

And finally, lament to me is about asking for help in the midst of all this. Asking for help and comfort now, in my current situation.

I wrote the following for my Dad's birthday, which is also my brother's birthday. It is partly a personal journal-kinda lament, and it ends with a traditional style lament. I have also interspersed some lamenting prayers from some of my more painful days.

Note, it may be quite emotional... at least it was for me... just letting you know in case your energy levels are sensitive to emotion.

Take care.



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Lament
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Today is my Dad's and my big little brother's birthday. Oh how I genuinely love them both! How I wish I could walk to the dining room and lay my hand on my Dad's shoulder as he works on his puzzle, to wish him happy birthday. How I wish I could drive to see my amazing brother and make him a coffee and share a conversation. That's why, when I cannot do these things, or much of anything at all, I sometimes wonder "if I cannot live, am I really alive?".

I want to live, I will not lie
But cannot live, yet do not die

(This is the thought that entered my head on one of my darkest days)

And yet... I *am* alive — even though I cannot do the things I want, even though I am powerless, my inner self is being refined and renewed every morning and night by my creator; and to know him makes me feel more alive than any activity or accomplishment.

And yet... my suffering is real. On days when the sound sensitivity becomes so bad that even a clatter of a spoon or a single word from someone I love feels like a knife into my brain, what can I do? I can do nothing but pray.

Where are you, God of my salvation?
How long will I lie here in agony.
Will my light ever shine again?
Will my life ever experience your goodness?

I still believe you are good.
But I don't understand why this is happening.
I want to trust you.
But it's hard. Because I'm numb and broken and scared and I can't see you and I can't hear you and everything keeps going oh so wrong.
Will my downhill ever end?


In early 2021 I had just turned 30 and was exactly where I wanted to be. I thought my turbulent life might finally be starting to trend up. But ME had other plans. The relapse snuck up slowly at first; then about half way through the year it hit with full-force, and my condition rapidly spiralled downwards.

When I tried to free myself, it was like quicksand — the more I moved, the deeper I sunk over the following days and months. My ability to live was ripped away piece by piece; and for every piece I tried to take back, two more were taken. It's now been well over a year since I had to stop driving due to POTS; and despite drastically reducing my activity I continued to sink until I became completely bedbound.

Why is life like this?

Why are you still allowing this?
Am I being disciplined?
Are my afflictions yet sufficient?
Am I being tested?
Or have you simply forgotten me?

I have sinned but still I believe in your forgiveness.
I have done wrong but I cry out to you for help.
I writhe on the floor like a tormented wolf with an infected heart.
Alone and forsaken.
Barely conscious and numb.

Helper, help me.
Jesus, take my burdens.
Father, forgive me and restore me.
Not because I deserve it but because you are gracious. Not because I am good but because you are good.

Jesus, help!
I believe that you rose from the dead and will raise us also.
I believe you came to save and not to destroy.
I believe that your desire is to restore, not to break down.

Without you, I am nothing.
Only in you I find strength and life.

Save me.
If you are the one who saves, save me.


In silence and in solitude the Lord has been showing me my faults — he is using this affliction to refine me and it might sound crazy but I am learning to trust him more than ever before. He has taught me that I am dependent. A dependent child is who I am, because I am nothing without energy, without mind, without strength, or without body, and these are all gifts that are sustained by him. There is only one through whom all things hold together, and only one who can create or destroy energy. He has been speaking hope into me, and answering me in ways that seem too good to be true, but too mathematically impossible to be false. He has been showing me that he is always faithful, even when I am doubtful, and he has given me confidence that he is going to answer my prayers. I am waiting for him.

But some days, like in Psalm 88, I have needed to just acknowledge the darkness of my situation for a while before I'm ready to step into hope. And when that time comes, on days like today, the practice of lament has been so helpful to me.

I still feel physically poisoned. My brain wades through a thick goop and my body punishes me for using it. The world goes on without me as I age on my bed. "But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.”



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Rainbows
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It was during this time when I was continually taking this posture of lament that the Lord over and over showed me how near to me he was, and despite my situation he pulled me closer and closer with a song of his faithfulness. As part of his love song, several unbelievable things happened.

For background, he has a history of showing me rainbows right at low points in my life. Even though I have always seen rainbows as a symbol of his promises, until this happened I had still doubted it was him who had been showing me them at those low points.

So, I was feeling particularly disheartened one day in my illness. I had begun (as brain fog allowed) slowly memorizing the first half of Lamentations 3, and in particular I had been meditating on these words:

"The Lord is good to those who wait for him. To the soul who seeks him"

I had been seeking him. I had been waiting for him. I had been doing my best to trust him. But with my depressing situation I was finding it difficult to believe that God actually wanted to help me in this life.

I had recently read the story of Abraham's servant who asked God to do something to verify his promise.

So I asked Father, please show me a single rainbow if you'll promise to bring me healing, a double if you'll also promise to help me with this other thing, and a triple if you're going to give me more than I asked for.

At this point, some time around the end of June, I had not seen a single rainbow this year.

Over the next approx 10 weeks, starting about a week after I prayed, I saw 2 sets of 3 rainbows, 6 total. First was in the sky. Second was a rainbow drawing (pictured) from my 3 year old nephew Ezra. His name means "God helps". Still, I doubted it was from God. But then the third one literally formed on my sweater just as I was getting dressed. The rest also formed in my room, reflecting off the glass and plastic objects that were on my bedside table.

The first 3 were single rainbows. So he answered my prayer 1 at a time.

Then after a month (33 days according to photos) a triple appeared on my bedside table.
Then about a week later a many-many...
Then the sixth was a double, as if to say, "oh yeah, and for good measure here's the only one I haven't shown you twice over yet".

So, he answered every prayer twice over in different forms plus one I didn't imagine, and everything arrived in the perfect order...

Even after the third rainbow, I still doubted and said to myself "if another one appears now, this all must have been a coincidence". But then the fourth was the kind of triple I had been expecting when I first asked. It's like he was taking a sledgehammer to my doubt and each rainbow was him taking a swing at it to prove his steadfast love. You'd think I would have learnt my lesson after the 4th, but the last 2 I brushed off as meaningless until later when I wrote down all the ones I had seen and realized how they all fit together. That's when a feeling of astonishment and gratitude came upon me that has only ever occurred in the past when I caught the slightest glimpse of how deep the Father's love actually is for us.

I was only asking for one triple rainbow. But he said "I'm going to do abundantly more than you can ask or imagine" (Eph 3:20) and in doing so he shattered my doubt. (For some time I had been doubting whether God actually wanted to be my present help in this life; I had hope for future life in a restored universe, but not much hope for this life).

I'm a scientist and have been a skeptic. But the odds of all this happening by random chance are so miniscule they may as well be impossible. My faith might be smaller than a mustard seed, but it's enough to cover that gap. He had sated me with wormwood, and I had forgotten what happiness is. But now he has sated me with rainbows and my heart can't take it any longer. I have to let go of the doubt and trust him.

I had asked for faith,
I had asked for a promise,
I had asked for transformation,
and for peace.
And he gave me them all.

I may still be bedridden with no end in sight, but I am trusting him now.

You will keep in perfect peace
those whose minds are steadfast,
because they trust in you.
Trust in the Lord forever,
for the Lord God is an everlasting Rock.

(Isaiah 26:3-4)


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My Desert
---------------------------

While I was writing this there had been 2 more complex rainbows and then a friend sent me the 9th just before I finished. But I had already written almost everything out, so did not include them.

But, for extra context, during the time of the second set of rainbows I had been doing a 40 day rest from phone activity, not only to help me rest better but because I had remembered Christine Caine's message "don't spend 40 years in the desert when you could cross it in 40 days", referring to the Israelites' journey from Egypt that ended up taking 40 years because they needed that much time to learn how to stop relying on themselves and trust God. Anyway, I thought... maybe God wants to use this "desert" to change me for the better, so if I take time in the silence to focus on prayer and asking him to reveal my faults and transform them, maybe I'll be able to cross this desert faster. And oh boy did he reveal so many faults... The biggest one that kept popping up was some arrogance and pride that I had buried deep and didn't know how to deal with. So, to be transformed, for each of my unhelpful thought patterns, I asked for an antidote thought pattern. And he gave me antidotes for every single one! Now, some of the bad habits keep popping up, but since I wrote all the antidotes down, I now have weapons against them. God is so good! At the end of that 40 days that's when I asked for him to transform my fear into peace. And the day after it finished my Mum (who is taking care of me) messaged me Isaiah 26:3-4.

So, why this is relevant is that the first set of 3 rainbows happened before that 40 days, the second happened inside the 40 days, and the third happened after. If you're a numbers person like me you might have noticed the trinitarian symbolism...

3 before my "desert"
3 in my "desert"
3 after my "desert"

This immediately made me think of the scripture:

"You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me."
Psalm 139:5 ESV

God is behind us.
God is with us.
God goes before us.

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---------
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In the desert of my doubt
Sides surrounded by the sea
This is how it came to be
that all my worries left me.

All my breath is gone
All the walls I built are torn
I have no strength to carry on
Except for Christ the cornerstone.
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Thanks for reading my experiences of suffering and hope.

May the Father bless us all together and bring us all relief from this horrible disease.

That is my continued prayer.


He upholds the cause of the oppressed...
The LORD sets prisoners free,
Psalm 146:7 NIV


I have been praying for breakthroughs, and I believe that breakthroughs are being made as we speak.


I pray that for every one of my fellow sufferers, he will do what is described in that song:

He makes beauty from ashes
Strength from fear
Gladness from mourning
Peace from despair
 
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LINE

Senior Member
Messages
928
Location
USA
Nicely said. Certainly, one of the big mysteries of our lives, suffering that is. Perhaps the bigger question is why.

Before the severe onset, I was a contemplative, that is I would spend a great amount of time in The Quiet. When I was stricken down, the pain was unbearable, agony would be a good description. It was at this time that I was introduced to John of the Cross (Dark Night of the Soul). I am sure that most who are on this forum have suffered the same. The author of this video is able to convey some important insights.

 

Rufous McKinney

Senior Member
Messages
13,495
Thank you for posting your personal story of lament and miracles. I also enjoyed the video.

The term lament got me thinking, its a provocative concept.

I ran into this article - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...ar-times/201609/lamentation-can-be-good-thing

Excerpt: Lamentation, then, is about release, about letting the painful emotions flow: fear, doubt, bewilderment, anger, shame and guilt, perhaps, as well as sadness.... We have come to think of such powerful expressions of grief as ugly, and therefore seek to avoid them; to avoid even seeing them, much less grieving like this ourselves; but this is in ignorance of the resulting serenity of final acceptance when we eventually assimilate our losses and are ready again to engage with life anew and move forward. Without lamentation, without the emotional healing process advancing towards resolution, this cannot happen; in which case, misery can only persist.

___
I thought I would comment that the symptoms of ME include we can get quite ill if we experience intense emotional states. And I am capable of experiencing extremely intense emotional states. My personal nervous system is overheated, and very reactive.

I have to literally protect myself sometimes by limiting the intensity of emotions I feel. I watch myself having to put brakes on; or divert myself as its getting just too "intense".

Another response I had, to thinking about the Dark Night (and its possible we may experience multiple Sessions over our lifetimes) is to be reminded of its opposite state.

We recognize the Dark Night, because we can recall the experience of the Light. We want to escape the darkness, and that occurs when the sun rises or the moon lights up. Or rainbows appear. Or if one remembers to bring a flashlight and extra batteries (ie tools)

I had some experiences in my life which are the exact opposite of The Dark Night.

When we fall into physicality, we experience the duality of our existance, it seems. Its these choices we are constantly confronting. And somehow we can't make choices unless the "Wrong" Choices also exists. Using the term "wrong", loosely.

A thought I had recently which I found provocative, is the notion what if every choice we ever made, in fact was the correct one.

Thinking along those lines changes one's perspective. Which can be helpful sometimes.
 

Atlas

"And the last enemy to be destroyed is death."
Messages
137
Location
New Zealand
Before the severe onset, I was a contemplative, that is I would spend a great amount of time in The Quiet. When I was stricken down, the pain was unbearable, agony would be a good description. It was at this time that I was introduced to John of the Cross (Dark Night of the Soul).

What does it mean to you to be a contemplative?

From looking at the definition, I would possibly consider myself one but I haven't really heard that description much.

But I have read about Teresa of Avila (John's mentor)... there is a section in the book With by Skye Jethani, which really helped me, where he describes her analogy for prayer: at first prayer is like hauling buckets from a well, then as we start to relinquish control it becomes like using a pulley with the bucket... then as we stop striving and become comfortable with periods of silence, it becomes like a stream irrigating the field of our existence... And finally when we fully let go of our own will, entrusting our entire being to God, prayer becomes like rainfall on the garden of our being as we simply "be" with him and are saturated by his grace.
 
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LINE

Senior Member
Messages
928
Location
USA
I used to pray hours a day, but not so much laborious prayer but rather cultivating the presence of God. I was particularly moved by Brother Lawrence's treatise, "Practicing the Prescence of God". Lawrence fostered the idea that God was ever present and by being in a state of gratitude, then God would enrapture us with his love.

After contracting major ME, I turned into Jacob who wrestled with the Angel (God). I think most of the wrestling matches are done :) - now I just try to be an open vessel with no particular agenda.
 

Anchoress

Senior Member
Messages
1,063
Simply living my life long faith in Jesus Christ Son of God Saviour.
In many ways and many places.
When I was well before the plague, I was wondrously active within my church, Sunday School teacher etc. Then ? As the drs were them more insouciant re this illness thannow it carried the stigma of? mental/nervous illness and it all changed. No blame on them as that would probably have been guilty of that at one stage.
etc etc etc!
I was mid 20s when this illness started. I am now almost 80 . Always there has been someone who picked me up when I was knocked down. Sometimes church folk but often not.
and my faith in Jesus never ever wavered. Just quiet behind all the pain, And I knew I belonged deep within the Church in some way I could not see. My faith was in Him and in that. As my solitude deepened because of the attitudes re alleged mental illness and alleged lack of faith " else I would be healed"... As they did so, He came closer to me and finally I was surrounded by folk of deep and living faith who see me as I am and treasure me. I am HOME. quietly home. People will fail as we are all weak but Jesus never fails.
 

Atlas

"And the last enemy to be destroyed is death."
Messages
137
Location
New Zealand
That is so heartrending and beautiful at the same time @Anchoress

You are an inspiration... I don't even know how I would have handled being labeled with mental illness... I have felt hopeless and irritated enough just with the ED doctor not being understanding when I went in for blurry vision before I was diagnosed...

...and alleged lack of faith " else I would be healed"...

Woah, that perspective is so messed up isn't it... indeed, to many of us he says for a time "my grace is sufficient for you".

And so I say:
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:26

I do believe that we can always keep asking for help. He may not answer us all in the same way, but he will help us, if only we ask. You are so right, we are weak, but he is faithful to carry us through the end and beyond, no matter what. :heart:

"even to your old age I am he, and to gray hairs I will carry you. I have made, and I will bear; I will carry and will save."
Isaiah 46:4
 
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Atlas

"And the last enemy to be destroyed is death."
Messages
137
Location
New Zealand
We have come to think of such powerful expressions of grief as ugly, and therefore seek to avoid them; to avoid even seeing them, much less grieving like this ourselves; but this is in ignorance of the resulting serenity of final acceptance when we eventually assimilate our losses and are ready again to engage with life anew and move forward. Without lamentation, without the emotional healing process advancing towards resolution, this cannot happen; in which case, misery can only persist.


This exactly. 💙

It is about processing grief in an emotionally healthy way, not to bury it but to speak it out and allow it to be transformed.

The traditional practice of lament, as in many of the Psalms, is also about handing over the deepest heavy things to one who has the strength to bear them.

I have to literally protect myself sometimes by limiting the intensity of emotions I feel. I watch myself having to put brakes on; or divert myself as its getting just too "intense".

Indeed, that is an additional difficulty with ME isn't it :/.

For myself it seems like my body does this automatically sometimes (put the brakes on emotionally), perhaps as a defense mechanism, so I can become solidly apathetic shortly after being intensely emotional. And the apathy can last days, even when I want to feel something. I guess the only option is to take things one thing at a time.
 
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Anchoress

Senior Member
Messages
1,063
That is so heartrending and beautiful at the same time @Anchoress

You are an inspiration... I don't even know how I would have handled being labeled with mental illness... I have felt hopeless and irritated enough just with the ED doctor not being understanding when I went in for blurry vision before I was diagnosed...
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REPLY
The drs ie my GP then, did the basic tests and when they came back negative? Aitm? And that was the process for decades.
And of course I never ever got any better. Drifted into bad ways to try to survive.
Can you imagine finally the diagnosis? I was on I think 20 tablets a day and as soon as I learned truth ( "The truth shall set you free") I took charge of my life,
We owe the internet huge debts. My then GP was...useless,,,, and never a check up re my meds.
There was a phone group in the Uk then "Involuntary tranquilliser addiction" who had all the skills and knowledge and I literally locked myself away for a year and rode the road to hell .
Just kept the prescriptions coming as they never checked. Rushed the last cuts and was rewarded with headaches from hell for years.
BUT that moment when I called the surgery and told them NO MORE prescriptions needed. They were struck dumb, then stammered that I had done well, I kept one bottle of valium as a safety measure as by then I knew I was making a major move to Ireland. NO WAY was I going to stay in the UK. Drs are almost as gods, or were then, That was over 20 years ago. And yes drs still offer benzos willynilly. But I took control of my life and care then. A new start and I of course ascertained that they could not here access my UK medical records without my written permission which I was not going to give.
From a mental illness diagnosis to M.E! Before I left a locum took a proper case history ( never been done before!) and underwrote my medical notes, " She was never mentally ill. It was always M.E"
It is interesting in Ireland re M.E but I see a dr only at need eg when I fell and broke my wrist etc, The trust has gone. And the attitude is a shrug and that they can do nothing anyway . Things go wrong as last week when unavoidable events etc overstretch me. Then I come back to my isolated island home and care for me.
 
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Anchoress

Senior Member
Messages
1,063
That is so heartrending and beautiful at the same time @Anchoress

You are an inspiration... I don't even know how I would have handled being labeled with mental illness... I have felt hopeless and irritated enough just with the ED doctor not being understanding when I went in for blurry vision before I was diagnosed...



Woah, that perspective is so messed up isn't it... indeed, to many of us he says for a time "my grace is sufficient for you".

And so I say:
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:26

I do believe that we can always keep asking for help. He may not answer us all in the same way, but he will help us, if only we ask. You are so right, we are weak, but he is faithful to carry us through the end and beyond, no matter what. :heart:

"even to your old age I am he, and to gray hairs I will carry you. I have made, and I will bear; I will carry and will save."
Isaiah 46:4
Love that verse from Isaiah.. I used to know the Bible by heart almost but now utter simplicity.
There was a bitter Dark Night when I was fairly new to Ireland. I went out into the field atop a tall mountain where I lived then and told God... " OK. If you want me to be as alone as I am, with no family, no friends, no community, nothing, then I WILL DO IT. But I am not happy"
That early morning I went for a drive. have you ever seen a white rainbow? Rare and breathtaking. I drove through it with tears streaming.
And a message on ?? what is that chat facility online? From a stranger in Canada. They had seen the "hermit" website I had up. And I became as I am now, loved and trusted and of great value and never ever lonely or feeling useless. Using every skill and gift He gave me for the needs of others. Needed and loved
There was no healing. But a wholeness .
His ways not ours.
 
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