Are you my clone? Yes I also need to balance this but it's extremely difficult to not give in because they impulsions practically have their own gravitational pull. When I get my mind stuck on one I will feel like I'm losing my mind if I don't do it and yes it also tends to be worse on days where thing already aren't aren't great. Maybe it has some glutamate or histamine component to it. I can't believe I also found someone that has the chain reaction disasters like that often involving sudden food impulsions and some kind of dopamine thing in the mix. It almost also always ends in unsatisfied urges, a very bizarre cooking disaster, and me needing an entire day to wind down from if it all went badly. I have very fragile loops of reward and flow my brain operates on.
This is just a funny story of how bad it can get for everyone's entertainment!
I'll never forget the time I was doing really well on a dopamine roll one day after a long stressful week. That weekend was going to be perfect, I had my finally nice weekend all planned out. We were gonna hang out, relax, enjoy some good food, go to fun places! ....Then something happened. Bad weather rolled in and the thing I had my mind set on later got cancelled completely as well as everything else throwing my brains dopamine functional loop off. I was absurdly mad at this, It was a blur. I marched out of the place in the pouring rain practically taking a shower, bought a whole mess of food, blew another 20 on scratch off's because rage gambling is one of my brains "screw it" things, and walked back home no less angry. I just threw on deafening heavy metal as I was made my rage meal and went upstairs and scratched my rage tickets which of course were also all losers because why not on a day like this which only makes me more upset. I at this time also thought it was a lovely time to make more coffee because surely this would kick start something "feel good" and allow me to function again. This only makes everything worse! There is this thing that happens where when this "broken dopamine flow" state kicks in where literally nothing will induce reward again until everything calms down and I never learn.
I as this poorly thrown together "food" was on the burner decide to play a game and then I forget I have food on as I'm no longer hungry and my working memory was reduced to nearly absent in my mental tornado. Sometime later I smell burning and it takes a minute for me to even put together what could have possibly been happening. I run downstairs and realize I forgot to put water in the rice and there is just a black layer of smoking brown rice glued to the bottom of the pan, the everything else was just in boiling water in a pan with no seasoning, and the entire kitchen looked like the set of a horror movie. Then I in the brain fog salvaged what I could (I have no idea what I was evening thinking at this point.) and SLAMMED it onto a plate and took maybe a few bites knowing it was inedible and food just went everywhere all over the floor because my motor coordination went out the window. I couldn't even play the game anymore so I ripped out the console and just put on youtube and then I immediately called in delivery food because I needed SOMETHING. I smelled like smoke, I looked like I just crawled out of bed as I didn't get to the part where I got ready to go out that evening, and downstairs still wasn't all aired out and cleaned up yet. I forgot to turn off the blasting music, I somehow completely phased out that it was on at all much like the food. I'll never forget the look on this delivery guy's face, it was priceless. I barely ate any of it and later as it was close to bed time either just forced myself into bed, the next day I woke up like I was in a bad sequel to The Hangover. I just went out for coffee in the morning, had some better comfort food later, and It took a good day after that of resting to get into the swing of things again.
Do understand the frustration. Am unable to fix it for you, or even myself, but do have a grasp of the concept.
