Home Alone for the Holidays

[brenda]

dreambirdie

Thanks for that potted history of your spiritual search. I too have always looked for integrity in those who are teaching some sort of philosophy/religion and like you failed to find it and more disturbing, have found the opposite like the cruel nuns.

My own theory on this, due to my beliefs, is that opening oneself to the spiritual world, without the discernment or the acknowledgement that there is evil out there, invited the evil into our lives and the effect of that will be the deadening of the conscience, the part of us that God uses to draw us into uniting with him in the true pathway of mysticism. However there are many pitfalls along the way and the worse is in looking to man for guidance instead of hearing the still small voice of God deep inside ourselves, which will lead us if we are prepared to obey the light given to us and which will take us on the road of truth and give us more illumination as we go along if we seek the truth and keep a clean conscience.

As for religion, I have nothing to do with it.

 

[susan]

Ditto Brenda,
Cruel nuns taught me there was no God.....I work my own spiritual path.

 

[brenda]

You too Susan - sorry to hear it. I have read somewhere that those who have
'spiritual authority' over us and abuse us cause the worst kind of abuse.

Just to say something further regarding my own spiritual path, I don't just listen to the voice within for my guidance - its not audible btw - I also do not accept anything 'it' says that is not in accordance with scripture.

My long long journey with much losing of the way at times, has led me to a place where I have experienced being united with God, meaning that I have found myself connected with reality and authenticity (sp) where all concerns of the world disappear and there is peace felt deep within. This reality has become my physician as I have not had medical care despite being way gone with Lyme Disease added to two episodes of serious mercuy poisoning when I was growing up and this reality is showing me what to do so that my body can heal itself. The proof is in the pudding and everything my God says proves to be right and beneficial for me who was so bad that i could not take anything even the mildest of herbs..

 

[bluebird]

Following the yellow brick road....

I posted this last night over at the Personal Statements/I guess its time thread. I was lost. But now I am found. Talk about thankful. augh Below is my post.


I lurked. lol Bad week for weak. And my eyes and brain are on strike so I am not going to say more than this: you all are beautiful. If there is anything really worth doing in this world it is smiling, shining, sharing. I practice and practice and practice, watch my thoughts, learn from them, sometimes transmute them. I like to think of this illness as an opportunity, a fast track to enlightenment. But of course, we have to do the work. The following is the latest chapter in my watching my monkey mind series.

My 'Thanksgiving Desire and Detachment Story, or Aversion 101' >>>

I am sad I will be alone for Thanksgiving again. I wonder if it is that I simply do not exert a great enough effort and so remain in my friendless state. I tire of thinking about this and go to the grocery. I am on a mission. Since I don't eat meat and...most anything normal, I reflect and decide that there are two fairly benign things that mean Thanksgiving to me: cranberry sauce and stuffing. And certainly I am not making them from scratch. So I go to the store for a can and a box.

Got 'em. Now I am all set for T-day.

But it is two weeks until Thanksgiving. And in a moment of self-pity, attachment, desire, I eat the stuffing and cranberry sauce. Yummy. I feel lots better.

Still, I feel I reallllly need stuffing and cranberry sauce for the actual event of my expected loneliness on Thanksgiving. This is my insurance plan. So the next time I go to the store, I buy...ta daaa.. two boxes of stuffing and two cans of cranberry sauce. You know, just in case I am pitiful a second time and succumb once more to the allure of whatever weird chemicals are in the stuffing in the box, and, oh, that charismatic high fructose corn syrup in the cranberry sauce.

I do succumb. And this time I eat BOTH boxes of stuffing, and BOTH cans of cranberry sauce without ceremony. I feel... sick.

So last week while at the store, when I check my grocery list, I note that I am to get a single box of stuffing ( just on the off chance I get an invitation or company, you understand...I will want to contribute). So, I find myself standing once again in front of the stuffing in the box. It is in a red and shiny box at eye level.

I just stand there looking at it blankly. Then I have a gestalt and say out loud like the old lady that I am, "Neh, I'm good". I simply walk away. I am cured.

Aversion therapy has its place. lol

addendum: I've had an unexpected development. I've learned that a lady much younger than I who is a chef's daughter, my own daughter's best friend is coming to see me on the Friday after T-day, bringing two friends. She is making me a 'Friends Thanskgiving', a tradition with origins among some college age people who once worked for my daughter at a theatrical costume agency. They had been unable to go home for the holidays and so invented themed Thanksgivings hosted on the day after T-day to ensure that there would be at least one gathering with food... for everyone.

So, you never know. Remember that the only two things we can always count on is gluttony ( desire) lol, and change. This year I am grateful for the luxury of my leisure that I may notice how my mind works, and I am grateful for serendipity, the river of life with all its rapids, and too, for the kindness of strangers.

And I am grateful for all of you.

 

[Kati]

Bluebird, thank you for sharing wit, gluttonry and compelling story. I am canadian, so my heart is not wrenched of being alone this week, we've had our thanksgiving last month, but I totally know the feeling of being alone, and sad about it, and I know we are not alone. I mean who wants to be alone in such occasion, yet the effort it takes to reach out or perhaps there are other reasons that get in the way of gatherings makes it impossible.

Today on Oprah, the topic of giving thanks came up. Celebrating the soldiers, the heroes (Hudson river plane crash heroes amongst others) It was nice to be the audience, even alone in my living room, and get teary at the sight of brave men and women. It makes me want to try to make a difference, somewhere, somehow.

You are not alone. Big hugs.

 

[_Kim_]

@ bluebird

Bluebird, you made me laugh so hard at the cranberry and stuffing story. My boyfriend has issues with compulsive eating. He struggles so and not unlike your desire to recreate a part of a thanksgiving long ago, he goes back to a happy time in his childhood when he would ride his bike to the park to see "the hotdog man". Those dirty-water Sabrettes are his link to his past and when he's feeling down, he buys a pack of hotdogs and eats them all. I'm copying your post and sending it to him in an email. Thanks for taking the time to write this out. A gem!

 

[Stormyskye]

Yes, Gracenote.....

I'd be happy to explain what I mean by that. I forget that many of you here don't know me.

I believe that we are in control of creating our lives, our experiences. As one of the oddball few who seems to have regained the bulk of my health, I'm equally aware that I am not special, unique, or that this experience is for me alone. That's not to say that we aren't all special and unique in our own ways. I just mean that this healing, this recreating of our lives, is for everyone. And that there are many paths to that goal.

It's difficult for me to watch those who are still so ill. I want to fix it for them. Of course, I can't. But I want to. I was there too. I know how bad it can be. I made choices. Decided with every fiber of my being that I would be well again. Body, mind and spirit. Then I had to believe it. Be it. It's one thing to decide. It's quite another to believe it.

It's been a painful, enlightening, horrible, wonderful journey. But it's do-able. Once I had set my body/mind/spirit to the task, I had to learn to listen. That inner voice (no, not actually audible here either) points the way.

 

[brenda]

Hi Stormskye

I would love to hear more about your healing. I decided that I was going to heal too once I saw how much power our bodies have and that they want to heal so I am set on the task and it is a bumpy ride! It was much easier to just think that there was nothing much I could do unless someone outside helped me and wait for that help to come along - but it didn't.

 

[Stormyskye]

Hi Brenda, nice to meet you!

I'd be happy to share more. How about I start a thread after this holiday? Today I have to get my house ready for guests and get started on food. There will be 13 hungry people here tomorrow and I have a lot to do. I'm so thankful that I'm up to the task.

 

[Stormyskye]

Oh,

You're right, it is a bumpy ride!

 

[MEKoan]

Bluebird,
I love that story!

Stormy,
You may remember me as Honora. Good to see you!

peace otu (I'm gonna leave that typo - I kinda like it
koan

 

[Kati]

To all my american friends, happy thanksgiving. Remember your CFIDS family, for those that are alone for one reason or another- you are not alone.

Let's be thankful for WPI for they have stood up as leaders in CFIDS/ME research. Thank you!

Hugs to all

 

[andreamarie]

Is this a "safe place?" I'm hurt by response.

When I said I had no invitations Sunday replied she had many and maybe I should "try to cultivate the friends I'd like to spend Thanksgiving with." I asked how I should do this but didn't get a response. I did say friends were coming over with a plate and I was happy about that. I also said I didn't want to travel; today I got another invitation but it's an hour away. I also got another call from another friend who said she's stopping by with food on the way to her parents and hoped I could give her some moral support.Today friends took me out for lunch. I'm in crash mode but fortunately there's a restaurant in my building. I have not posted about friends and family leaving me because of my many illness's, etc.

My circle has dwindled over the years and in some instances maybe my illness's were a factor but I'm sixty five and friends leave for many reasons. I lost my brother at twenty two, my closest cousin (he was like a brother to me; he called me daily)at forty two and my closest friend at forty two. NONE of my friends or family ever doubted my illness or thought I had emotional problems and I was very open about seeing a psychiatrist: it's very common in the People's Republic of Cambridge. Losing people has always been painful for me; this has nothing to do with CFS, it's me. My relationships are close and I give a lot. So someone please tell me I'm overeacting, that this is a "safe board" and I shouldn't feel blame because I didn't get the perfect invitation. And this has to do with my mother dying on Thanksgiving, not CFS.
I'm doing very well with that so far fortunately.

 

[andreamarie]

To clarify: brother, cousin, closest friend didn't want to leave

If I wasn't clear, my brother, cousin and closest friend died. And I lost the husband of couple I spent last four Thanksgiving's with a week before Thanksgiving. I was very close to him; he dropped dead from a hear attack.

 

[MEKoan]

Hi Andreamarie,

I think it sounds like you have a lot of people in your life who care about you, think about you during the holidays and even count on you to help get them through it! It seems as though you are very well connected to your social network for someone with CFS. I don't think you should worry about an off hand comment.

Sometimes we make comments here that, on the screen, are at odds with what we actually meant. I didn't see the exchange you're talking about but it could be a misunderstanding. I know that I have written things and then viewed them later with horror when I understood how anyone outside my own head would be sure to understand what I wrote. It could so easily be something like that.

Anyway, I'm sorry this is a difficult time for you. Anniversaries of loss are always painful and doubly so when they fall on a holiday. That's tough, very tough.

I bet getting someone else "through it" will get you "through it" too.

Peace to you,
koan

 

[MEKoan]

I see we were posting at the same time. It's interesting that you were so worried that you had not made yourself understood - it's so easy to be misunderstood in this medium. That's probably what happened with the other poster.

You have had so much loss! If this is your first thanksgiving alone, it will be extra hard. If not, it will just be hard. But, you have someone to help and that should help you, too.

peace again,
koan

 

[Finch]

To anndreamarie

Hi Anndreamarie,

Don't worry, I didn't read that post as a criticism of you. I think the poster was just trying to be helpful, as we all are here. This is honestly the kindest and most thoughtful forum I've visited. At least in the Community Lounge, that is - I've seen some other types of posts getting more confrontational. I don't think that can happen in this section, though. She probably hasn't come back and realized that you were confused by her advice.

I think your mother must have been an amazing woman. Working 60 hours a week and still making Thanksgiving a special day for so many! And writing a personal letter to your doctor was something not many mothers would think to do. For you to lose her on Thanksgiving day must make the day that much more poignant to you. By my calculations, she lived to 95? How you must miss her still! One doesn't get over such losses, especially with such a strong reminder as a holiday. You were blessed.

I think your plan to stay home and get not just one, but two separate visits with plates of food is quite nice. If the first friend is turning to you for moral support before she visits with her parents, you must be someone quite important to her! People don't just stop by on Thanksgiving unless you mean a lot to them, I would think. You've obviously got some very good friends.

I think you've got it covered, Andreamarie. I really do.

Enjoy your Thanksgiving and your memories of your wonderful mother. Enjoy the company of your very good friends. Take care of yourself.

Please come back and visit us in the Lounge. We're here to talk about anything you find interesting, whether it's happy, sad, or silly!

 

[gracenote]

heart-warming care and concern

So someone please tell me I'm overeacting, that this is a "safe board" and I shouldn't feel blame because I didn't get the perfect invitation. And this has to do with my mother dying on Thanksgiving, not CFS. I'm doing very well with that so far fortunately.

Andreamarie,

I was a little surprised myself by the response you got to your post. It could be, as Koan suggested, that "sometimes we make comments here that, on the screen, are at odds with what we actually meant." Or perhaps your experience is just different from the poster's experience and therefore not understood. I have no way of knowing, and I won't try to guess. But you felt something a little less than the support you were hoping for and so of course it would not feel right.

You want to know if this is a "safe board." I can only tell you what I've experienced so far. Sometimes comments are made that come off as a bit harsh, but I have been so impressed with the heart-warming care and concern that is shown here that if one posting offends there will be many more that offer support. I could not possibly think that you are overreacting. You're just feeling what you feel. I'm glad you posted again and did not just disappear from the forum.

I am very moved by your story. You tell of a remarkable mother, and the loss on this particular day, with all its memories and reminders, sounds truly anguishing. I am glad you are doing well so far. And if you ever do want to tell the story of your mother, I am still interested in hearing it.

Gracenote

 

[Stormyskye]

Hi Honora!

I remember you. Good to see you again too!

 

[Andrew]

It's the night before Thanksgiving, and I guess I'm just going to muddle through this the best I can. I won't have any visitors, but I will be having a Thanksgiving dinner of sorts. The local Chicken Delight will be selling turkey dinners, and they deliver.