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Forever worrying I’ve let my children down

Jemima37

Senior Member
Messages
407
Location
UK
Hi all, sorry this is long I just needed to let out my deepest thoughts and try to calm my worries mind. Again beating myself up as a mum.

Ive has ptsd and anxiety since 2012 after the physical assault with my brother, and abuse and hurt my extended family caused me after the attack, who I no longer see. I’ve had a hard time. The first 4 years after the assault I kept going out despite having anxiety and agoraphobia caused by the assault with my brother and abuse from my mum and sisters. I wanted to make sure my children had the best childhood as I never wanted them to feel like I did about my childhood. I still pushed myself out the house to do holidays, days out etc but then in 2017 I suffered another stress in my life when my health deteriorated which led to me withdrawing from life.

I was diagnosed with CFS/ME in 2017. All caused by the ptsd and stress I’d been under. I’d been living in fight or flight since 2012 and forcing myself to keep going despite struggling with anxiety. My cortisol levels were sky high on tests. Then early 2018 I started having issues with standing up, I couldn’t do more than 5-10 minutes as my heart would race, feet feel warm and they’d go blotchy red on the top and I’d feel faint. Which my GP thinks is POTS but due to agoraphobia and social phobia that’s returned the last 2 years I can’t face tests.

I started feeling anxious again late 2017 despite overcoming the social anxiety and agoraphobia after therapy for what happened to me in 2012, and I was feeling much better. I could go out and live again, never miss my medical appointments and make family memories. Then 2 years ago I suddenly started with bad panic attacks and couldn’t answer the door to the postman, couldn’t go out or have visitors. I became so phobic of people it was strange and I became a recluses. I started with severe panic attacks lasting 12 hours every single day for 9 months. I could barely function. I’d have to lie on my bed all day as it all flared my CFS badly. I didn’t go downstairs for months at one point. Thank goodness for my wonderful husband. I saw my kids but only once the attacks passed later in the daytime as I was scared for them to see me so poorly and scared at the same time I was pushing them away. Guilt I was so unwell, guilt I was destroying their childhood, guilt I was pushing them away even though I was trying to protect them as they’d never seen me fall apart in all the years since the attack and abuse.

The guilt tore me apart that I now had health problems and a return of anxiety, and I became severely depressed in 2018. I’d never suffered depression before and it was horrendous how fatigued I was. Thank goodness that’s behind me and I got support from my GP. My Gp said I broke down after staying strong for so long after the assault to make sure my children were ok and had a good childhood because after all they’d lost my mum, siblings, and cousins too. It was a hard time for them and I just wanted to help them stay happy and not be damaged by my abusive family.

The last 2 years have been rough physically and mentally. I rarely get out, I am overdue medical appointments etc, my fatigue has been too bad to function at times and when I rest I’m on my bed. Things are better than they were, a million times better than how poorly I was in 2018. I’ve made great progress and my Gp is happy. I’m a work in progress. I fear I just sound a complete lunatic in this post with all I avoid and can’t do.

Every morning I’m up at 7am, I shower, get dressed and sit on my bed, I never get in it. I’m now doing so much more than I was in 2018 when I was at my worst. Not as much as I was doing last year as recently this coronavirus fear has set me back a lot with my CFS and my anxiety has flared a little which I guess is normal for everyone. No more panic attacks or depression now and I can now do chores at home again. I do 10 minutes at a time then rest again on my bed where I’m most comfortable. It is a huge improvement from what I could do 2 years ago, I could barely do anything then.

I fear I’ve destroyed my children’s childhood and I keep worrying that having a mum that still needs rest during the day (I feel rubbish with CFS till about 2-3pm each day then I can be more social and chatty. I get such sensitive eyes and ears to light and sound every day). The last 2 years they’ve seen their mum quite unwell with CFS and anxiety. I hide so much so they don’t realise I’m badly fatigued or unwell, I still FaceTime them if I’m having a rest, push myself to go into their rooms to see them and chat even if I feel poorly etc. On my bad crash days my husbands has to say ‘let’s let mum rest today’ which I feel guilty for even though they say yes it’s fine. I still fear I’ve pushed them away, fear we aren’t as close and I hate I still need so much rest. I hate that my bedroom is where I feel most safe so rest there between my chores. I worry constantly in my mind.

Them not having a mum these 2 years that can drop them at their friends, who can go out for meals, cinema trips and days out, family walks with our dogs, can’t cook every night for them etc what kind of a mum am I? I was that mum. They’re all teenagers my eldest is soon 18, 16 and 14. Happy kids, we have such a fun household as were very jokey people, and we have so much love in our home, but I fear I’ve destroyed our relationship because I’ve had to rest a lot these 2 years and because I’m not like other mums. I even fear do they not see me like a mum anymore? I’m not the mum I was before all of this happened to me.

They still get trips out etc (before this virus) with their dad and they send me photos etc because I can’t be there. They have a good childhood, want for nothing, no abuse just love and are safe. Everything I never had growing up, but I hate what I’ve caused by being unwell not making proper family memories.

I’ve come far from how unwell I was that year in 2018 with the CFS, anxiety and depression, and I realise that wasn’t my fault, I just broke down after staying strong for so long. I’d had trauma after trauma since the age of 2 and it finally caught up with me and changed me. I’m ok that I’ve changed as I’ve grown in so many ways, but I hope I can get back to being the woman that was strong, independent, the woman who never missed her important appointments, could socialise, could go out freely, could answer the door to the postman, go for a drive in the car, function around her home normally, take her kids out and have family holidays again. That’s all I want. I realise I’m grieving my physical health here because I know if I didn’t have health issues the anxiety wouldn’t be as bad as it has been these 2 years. Losing my health was another trauma.

My worries are being amplified right now since we’re all home together all the time. I worry about them seeing me rest so much when usually they’re out of the house during the day and I can rest guilt and worry free but I’m beating myself up they just see their mum do a few chores then rest on and off all day. Their dad does the cooking each night but I was cooking again until recently, and he does the heavier cleaning like mopping, vacuuming, laundry if a large load etc I can’t stand long enough to do many chores at once so I worry what that’s looked like to them seeing their mum do less as I was always so active and ran the home.

They’re on their computers, watching films and in their rooms chatting to their friends a lot during the day or having a lie in most days enjoying it while they can. I just want to be that active mum I was, the mum who socialised, took them out etc I see other families doing silly TikTok videos during lockdown and wish I was like that. I worry they’re lonely. My husband says I’m reading far too much into it as they’re being typical teens chilling in their rooms, watching tv and on computers laughing with their friends. He said ‘most teens barely see their parents. You resting doesn’t make them sad or affect them’. We still see them, care for them, cook for them, they come on dog walks with me and we have a laugh. They aren’t sad or low’. Maybe he’s right and I worry far too much. My kids say sure it has upset them seeing their mum poorly and they want me better but it’s not made them sad so I need to stop worrying all the time it’s damaged their childhood and if they are in their rooms so much and I’m resting they’re just being typical teenagers.

Sorry for this long post. Since the lockdown my horrible thoughts about myself have been amplified. I think these thoughts every day the last 2 years but right now they’re harder to ignore as I’m beating myself up a lot more now everyone’s home. I hope you’re all doing well and staying safe in these uncertain times. Love from the UK xoxo
 
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nyanko_the_sane

Because everyday is Caturday...
Messages
655
The fact your kids try to include you virtually in their activities is great, I wish I had that with my family. I think kids are busy being kids, so there is nothing wrong with what you are describing considering current events.

I think you are doing your best considering your situation and there is a lot of love in your home. So don't worry be happy!
 
Messages
92
Location
Australia
Hi there, what I‘m hearing is a loving, caring Mum!
A Mum who puts her family before herself!
Your kids sound like typical teenagers... well actually they sound better than the average teenagers I know of.
Be gentle with yourself.
Your children are blessed to have you as their Mum.🧡💛🧡
 

Jemima37

Senior Member
Messages
407
Location
UK
The fact your kids try to include you virtually in their activities is great, I wish I had that with my family. I think kids are busy being kids, so there is nothing wrong with what you are describing considering current events.

I think you are doing your best considering your situation and there is a lot of love in your home. So don't worry be happy!
Thank you, I appreciate that. We’re such a close family and there’s so much love in our home. I over think and worry too much I guess because my childhood was so traumatic I’ve only ever wanted my children to have the best childhood memories so beat myself up that this happened to me.
Thank you again 😊
 

Jemima37

Senior Member
Messages
407
Location
UK
Hi there, what I‘m hearing is a loving, caring Mum!
A Mum who puts her family before herself!
Your kids sound like typical teenagers... well actually they sound better than the average teenagers I know of.
Be gentle with yourself.
Your children are blessed to have you as their Mum.🧡💛🧡
Thank you so much Cath, that means so much to me.
I absolutely adore my children and all I’ve ever wanted is for them to have stability, be happy and safe because my childhood was full of fear. I just worry I’ve let them down by being unwell. I know they don’t think like that but I’m forever worrying I will damage their childhood and maybe their mental health by having a mum with my conditions . My husband tells me off for saying that haha. These thoughts just get to me a lot at times and it helps to write them out.

Thank you for making me feel better about myself 💖
 

NL93

Senior Member
Messages
155
Location
The Netherlands
I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s not your fault. Your children know you love them, that really is the most important thing. Kids are resiliant.
I myself grew up with a mentally disabled sister and a single mother (different situation but also sort of a strain on the family and my mom) but I do not at all think I had a bad childhood because there was a lot of love and harmony. Also, because of my sister I think I have better empathy and patience than I would have had otherwise.

Take care of yourself, don’t feel bad for resting, and do the best you can like you are already doing.
 

AnnieT

Senior Member
Messages
157
You paint a picture of a secure and loving home. Families come in all shapes, there is no 'normal ', .. and yours sounds wonderful!