Dealing with stress and trauma

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i didn't lose it in a fire or something. it's so stragne to know you ruined your life for no reason, except going a bit crazy from years of stress.
I found that I could write whole chapters, spanning time called: How I Blew It.

Oh I lost it all to the fire. My daughter screaming over the phone to get out, her father doing NOTHING, reading magazines. I lost: everything and then more. I lost not only every single possession you claimed had value, I lost the notes. The notes that constitute Why I Existed Mostly. My existance now is nearly meaningless, in comparison to what it was in that before place. Because of the ME, I could not save us. Nor could I even conceive How I would save us. It was all I could do to get my husband into a car and drive away from my life.

In the before place, I had some value. Today, I'm - nearly invisible in the world.

I live with having lost my own son, and I know its my fault. I live with that, every single day.

I was so sick, with the ME when I had to go see my mother and I returned home covered in ME misery and she had the audacity to enter hospice three weeks later.

My mother died alone, and I was not there and I have to live with it. I think about that- probably every week. And my only brother got there and stayed three hours. I have to think about : that. How could he have: betrayed his own mother like that? And I love my brother.

We carry grief. We are grief horders. So put it into your back pack and step forward and Try Again.

Something will happen, and it will be Ok because you'll keep working to make it somehow OK.
 

Sushi

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If anyone knows how to PM mods to make this my own thread so i'm not such a selfish hog here. I don't know who the mods are or how to do it. sorry.
Just send a PM to @Mary or @Rebeccare. Open one of their posts and click on the avatar and choose “Start a conversation.” Or you can do a member search to get to the same option.

Or even easier, simply start your own thread by choosing the appropriate sub-forum from the forums page and in the upper right you will see “Start thread” in orange.
 
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@Mouse girl .....
I gave you the easy-to-do plan above, and it's pretty much the same as what @Sushi wrote.

If you dont want to try a PM, just tag @Mary or @Rebeccare into this thread and ask them to move your posts to a dedicated thread with your name on it .... You can do that by writing out your request in the REPLY window below, then adding in Mary and Rebeccare with the @ in front of their names, which will alert them to your post ....


"I would like to start a new thread and move my posts from this one, which I feel like
I've been hogging, to the new thread. Can you help me Mary or Rebeccare?"

Easy-peasy ....
 

Mouse girl

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thanks yipee, i did send a note to someone, i can't remember who. i'm barely hangling on mentally.

@Mary @Rebeccare hi, someone suggested that perhaps someone moves my posts and the replies that took over this thread. i felt bad that i highjacked it. i'm having terrible cognition and didn't realise. if people think it's ok to stay or the person who started this thread is ok or gets something out of reading this thread within a thread. you know what is best for the site. thanks
 

Mouse girl

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@Rufous McKinney

gosh, i am so sorry you suffered through so much. thank you for sharing your stories and for your suggestion and support. i haven't slept but an hour or two for about 10 days and my nervous system has gone haywire. i'm suffereing with so much anxiety and sadness, regret and fear and overwhelm and my health is in a place it's never been before and i'm so scared. at least at home, i could rest and go outside in nature but i can't rest here, it's very loud and has lots of low level machine noise that is tortourous when your nervous system in on fire. i'm so desperate and can't undstand how i messed up so much and i'm just sick over it. it's all my fault and i can't believe i did that. doesn't make sence. it's like someone insane took over and seemed sane and put me at such harm and risk. i'm so out of it, vision is even messed up and can't sleep, so heavy and weak and vertigo. but mostly, just wish i was at home where it was quiet, peaceful, magical and the lights worked properly. and all my memories were all around me.
 
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Hi @Mouse girl - I will move some of your posts and replies to them to a new thread, I'll send you a PM about this :nerd:
Hiya @Mary .... thank you for pitching in here :thumbsup::thumbsup: :hug::hug:.....

Could you also post a quick note in this thread re: how to find @Mouse girl 's new thread?

I know, I know .... you do a nice thing and before you know it, it's a handful of 'gimme' and a mouthful of 'much obliged' ....
 

Mary

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Mouse girl

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thanks @Mary, i found it here though the email link.

I"m so ill right now, it's hard for me to think at all.

Does anyone know anything about having extreme anxiety for over 10 days, only getting a few hours sleep at most with loads of meds? It's like my body is just wired up. I'm just getting sicker and sicker and have to much to deal with and hate myself so much for selling my house. my brother wasn't threatening me, i just got it in my head after all the trauma of the lawsuit and what happened after my dad's death that I couldn't stay. and the pandemic seemed to really push me over the edge. i seemed like i was thinking clearly, everyone i talked to thougth i was, but i ignored all my feelings about leaving and how it my put my health at risk etc. it's like some crazy voice trying to "be positive" just would dismiss my feelings and how good i did feel at home, i just went mad. gave myself a couple of weeks to decide such a life alterering huge thing. i loved that place sooo much and it worked so well for my illness. i don't know how i'm going get through all this. i made my life such a mess. i was fine there, i had an alarm. i don't understand how i went so crazy and sold my house so quick. it was some cptsd thing but no one stopped me or suggested, hey, don't move during a pandemic. and when i brought up how worried i was about how hard it would be on me, i just let others sway me when they don't get how sick i am. i'm really struggling like i've never struggled before and worry i won't be able to take care of my basic needs soon or pay my bills cus i can't think. i'll be ok. but sure doesn't feel like it. can't forgive myself for ruining my life like this. no one forced me out, i just let trauma brain take over. my brother might have never had any intention of harming me, i just was so scared, i had that in my mind and didn't think of other possibilites which is nuts.
 

Mary

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Hi @Mouse girl - You might try this - I have found it to be very calming and to help with sleep also: Box (4-sided) breathing: activate parasympathetic NS, lower BP, help with sleep | Phoenix Rising ME/CFS Forums It contains a link to an article which describes how to do the Box breathing (4-sided breathing).

Also another breathing exercise which is even simpler to do is to inhale slowly to a count of 6, and then on the same breath exhale slowing to a count of six. For this one, I inhale to a count of 6 and then exhale longer, to a count of 8 or 9. All of this is done on one breath, and through your nose. Keep your mouth shut. After doing this for several minutes I can feel my body calming down, and the longer and more often you do it, the better it works.

It won't solve your problems but it can help clear your mind so that you can see solutions that you are unable to see right now because of anxiety. There are solutions to almost everything I've found. But I have to be calm enough to be able to see them.

Also, I've found Shui De An to be helpful with sleep - it's a Chinese herbal combo. It's non-drugging and non-sedating but it can really help with sleep. I've found this to be a good place to buy it: Shui De An Capsules | Healthy Sleep for disturbed shen (modernherbshop.com) I think if you combine it with the breathing exercises, you'll likely start sleeping better.
 

lenora

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Hello Mouse girl/Tiger cat.....I don't want to overburden you with ideas, you really don't need that in your life at this time.

But I did have a thought: What if the people who bought your dad's home needed some extra money? Would they rent you a room? And then you'd have access to the garden and all of the neighbors you knew before.

If you're money is properly invested, and you can move it easily, then one of the neighbors will probably sell at some point and if they know you're looking, would most likely contact you first. Or, who knows, perhaps they want to rent a room out...I understand this is becoming more and more common all of the time. It began in CA and seems like a good answer to many problems. You'd have to do your own cooking, or get it in, but who knows?....maybe someone in the house could be paid to cook for all of you.

Like I said, don't mean to overwhelm you, just looking for solutions, but I would certainly give it a try. I so wish you well. Also ask the neighbors about houses on the streets one over from yours. One never knows. Yours, Lenora.
 
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Does anyone know anything about having extreme anxiety for over 10 days, only getting a few hours sleep at most with loads of meds? It's like my body is just wired up.
This is going to be less detailed than I'd like because I'm really hitting a wall, and slowly folding ....

I've been where you are, tho for somewhat different reasons, if I'm reading your reactions right now accurately. I battled an inexplicable sudden onset of chest and head wrenching, heart pounding, horrifying panic attacks that would last for 19 hrs or more, and would only let up for 1 to 3 ours before starting up again. This went on for over a year, and drove me as close to taking that long, black train as I ever want to go.

Drs were no use, neither was the ER. Drs wanted to dose me up with benzos, the ER wanted to admit me to the cardiac unit, and one of the ER nurses on my second visit literally ripped apart my one remainig good vein, which geysered blood for 15-plus min's and has never really healed.

I'm guessing that you may have been put on a series of anti-anxiety medications and/or anti-depressants. It could have been that when they stopped working, you were shifted to other meds in the same family that seemed to work for awhile, then you got worse again.

Or it could be that this is the first round, but now you've reached tolerance withdrawal, which in spite of its name is neither tolerant nor really a withdrawal. Our brains get used to whatever dose we're taking, and then, inevitably, stops responding, so the prescribing Dr just ups the dose, which brings almost immediate relief.

And then it starts all over again.

I had no idea what had caused my unbelievable, unbearable panic/anxiety, or the insomnia, or the massive, endless rounds of head pressure and eye pressure, or the sudden lurches upward in my blood pressure, or the wild fluctuations in my body temp, or the uncontrollable, odd, marionette-type jerkings of my leg muscles when I tried to hobble to the bathroom or kitchen, or any of the many, many horrors that dropped by for a visit and never left.

I'm stubborn. I used whatever brain I had left in the few hours a week that I had one and did a lot of research.

HERE'S WHAT HELPED ME AND FINALLY PULLED ME OUT OF THE PIT ....
.... and you were probably wondering how long it would take me to get here. It was a desperation move, and thank God, it worked, or I wouldn't be sharing this with you right now. It wasnt quick, the onset of the relief was gradual, but I could feel the difference, and I kept on researching and adding or subtracting things as necessary.

It became clear as I read that I was dealing with some sort of glutamate storm, or some sort of profound imbalance in my GABA/glutamate receptors. I started taking magnesium, which blocks NMDA receptors and to a certain extent, calcium, but at first it did nothing. I was desperate, so I started experimenting with different forms and dosages.

What wound up producing the miracle was magnesium glycinate, but only in small doses at pretty tight internvals, in may case, 50 mg every 20-60 minutes, depending on how bad I was at the time. I also added in Vit C for various reasons too involved to go into here, and that added benefit a well. Then I added in .25 mcgs of melatonin every few doses.

I boosted my water intake to no less than 3 liters a day. I cut out every other supplement I was taking because I seemed to be reactive to all of them, esp the B vits. I had to cut out coffee :nervous::nervous::bang-head::bang-head::bang-head:, chocolate, and then almost every food I'd been surviving on since the onset of the ME. It wasnt fun.


But the bottom line, and I know you were wondering when I'd get here, is that it worked.

I can;t promise it'll work the same way for you, you may need a different form of magnesium or even tighter intervals at first, or some other variation. But this gives you a place to start ....
I'm just getting sicker and sicker and have to much to deal with and hate myself so much for selling my house.
Yes, you do have waaaaaay too much to deal with right now. Narrow the load down to dealing with the anxiety attacks and your need for decent, or even passable, sleep.


Stop beating yourself up over selling the house, and the move, and the assumptions you made about your brother. You have no way of knowing how right you might have been, you can only react to how much you feel you lost. And there's nothing you can do about it right now. It's a truly hideous form of self-punishment. I understand it, I've been there myself. It's hard to stop, because you believe that you deserve it, and in a strange way, and very very VERY way deep down, it makes you feel better, a little more empowered, a little less vulnerable.

But you have to let it go for now.

The only thing that can matter, for now, is getting rid of the anxiety, stabilizing into at least shitty but reliable sleep, and forgiving yourself for extremely understandable reactions to a truly nasty situation that you felt you couldnt control any other way.

I'll be back later.

Lemme know if any of this is close to accurate or helped you.

And know that everything has an answer and a solution. Everything. :hug::hug::hug: