Dealing with stress and trauma

Mouse girl

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THE FIRST 28 POSTS IN THIS THREAD HAVE BEEN MOVED FROM THE THREAD
HOW DO YOU AVOID GETTING TRAUMATISED
@lenora

thanks. my thinking is really not great, constant worry, stress, loss and regret BUT I'm am trying to challenge them. The life i loved so dearly, my dad died, i sold my home due to just not thinking right being traumatised. And i miss where i lived my whole life. can't understand how i sold it so rashly as it's not me. my heart said, no but i kept trying to convince myself that something new would be good. always listen to your heart or take time, get quiet. i can't get over it. where i live now is horrible and my health failed and i need to move again. it's too much. but trying to have faith but faith and fear and just not having anyone look out for me put me into this mess. arg. But, i will keep trying my best. and pray that things will work out for the best in time. i guess we just have to keep going, keep living. doing our best and letting our best be less than we might hope for.

your very kind Lenora. :heart: thank you for your kind words.
 
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The life i loved so dearly, my dad died, i sold my home due to just not thinking right being traumatised. And i miss where i lived my whole life. can't understand how i sold it so rashly as it's not me.
Oh Mouse, that's such a heavy, heavy load of crepe to fall on you all at once.


Of course you weren't 'you' .... you were what was left of you after losing your dad, who probably looked out for you and who you clearly loved .... the need for a sparkling new beginning was a pressure that would have been hard to resist.

And in thos traumatized moments, we never can remember the helpful old saw: WHEN IN DOUBT, DON'T ....
my heart said, no but i kept trying to convince myself that something new would be good. always listen to your heart or take time, get quiet
The heart and its murmurings are tricky things .... but you're right, take time, get quiet, listen closely, do nothing til you sense that you're edging back into focus .... that includes even the need to get out of where you are ...
i need to move again.
Fate often works in multiple steps. Maybe It needed to edge you out of the old and safe, and land you wherever, in order for you to be able to take the next step, which will take you where you belong and need to be ....


I now that it's easy for me to say that, I dn;t have to pack everything up a second time and figure out where to go, but I've been in similar situations, and am applying that knowledge here, in the hope that it'll be of some help and use :hug::hug::hug:...
trying to have faith but faith and fear and just not having anyone look out for me put me into this mess.
Faith and fear are inimical and can't coexist. Just let the faith in whenever you can, and dont beat yourself up over not being able to maintain a steady flow of it. It's hard under the best of conditions and that's definitely not what you're dealing with right now.


And at the risk of sounding preachy and heartless, the truth is that the only person we can absolutely rely on (other than now absent parents) to look out for us is us. Even close friends can only do so much, reaching out of the likely chaos of their own lives to help us put ours to rights is rare.

It's been said that to live a good life, all we need is something to do, something to love, and something to hope for. You already have two of them locked down: getting the hell outta Hell is definitely something to do, and hoping to find something better qualifies as something to hope for. Now, maybe a goldfish? A little kitty? A small wombat?

You're going to be OK. This is a sad and hard place, but you'll not only find your way out of it, but you'll discover that you have strength and gifts you never suspected.

Honest :thumbsup::thumbsup: :hug::hug:.
 

Mouse girl

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@YippeeKi YOW !! Thank you so much for your kind words. I know, I so hate myself for not knowing not to do something when i was freaked out. My brothers sued me after my dad died, were all about his money from the get go and I felt fear for my life if i stayed there because my dad left me more than my healthy brothers that weren't close to my dad. The lawsuit was brutal and had all kinds of health complications at the time to deal with too. I settled with them, was anxious and depressed after it all ended and then a few months later, the pandmeic hit and i wasn't ready and was all alone. I did well but had this feeling since they came after me that i couldn't stay there. I was going to stay at home at least through the pandemic but when things got better over the summer, it's like i just put my feelings aside and felt I "had to move". I've never messed up like this before and I really did my health in from moving, put myself at risk moving. The brother i was scared of left a note on my door to call him after the house sold and I flipped out and moved far away. But, I could have been wrong, he may not have hurt me. I've loved and feared this brother my whole life and he cut off the entire family. He has a history of anger, rage and impulsiveness. And the stuff they made up for this suit was so insane and hurtful, they even said i wasn't sick and all kinds of nonsence. It just freaked me out. I miss my home so much. It was so special and I can't afford a place like it, especially now. I didn't have to move. I should have gotten a fence and cameras and stayed where i loved at least until i was more healed and felt more grounded. I don't know, it's all so confusing.

It was about 3 years or so of constant severe mulitple stresses. I know I should be kind to myself for messing up but the thing is that doesn't give me my beloved yard back and all the history and memories of my parents, friends and pets etc of that home. It's not like me to be so crazy. Now, i don't trust myself and have to figure out how to buy a home when i know not what i am doing. I'm all alone. It's too much. Been more depressed and stressed now than ever. I don't know how not to wish I was home cus it's all I want. I drove by the house when i was feeling better hoping it would help me move on but it sent me into a talespin later. I always feel my emotions later, rather than in the moment. oh. goodness. I can't even find examples where others ruin their lives and leave their home and regret it after trauma.
 
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I always feel my emotions later, rather than in the moment. oh. goodness. I can't even find examples where others ruin their lives and leave their home and regret it after trauma.
I'm so sorry all this happened, it sounds very difficult, and what excellent advice you received from @YippeeKi YOW !!

I wonder if there is anyone who could help support you in this decision to buy something as thats VERY complicated.

I was poised to sign some mortgage once, and I'm so glad I did not sign those papers. If I had to face that today, I don't think I"d succeed.

Maybe there is even a realtor you could - trust or find- maybe thru a church or something.

Sometimes things transpire, and we don't understand YET why those things happened. But maybe it was necessary to: let go of the original home- in order for something else to open up and transpire.

:hug:
 

lenora

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Hi @Mouse girl.....You've received some good advice. I didn't realize that your brothers were forcing you into anything....shame on them!

True, you may not get the same house back, but perhaps a realtor in the area could help you find something somewhat smaller even, but with the backyard you desire. The other thing is to knock on the doors of a few neighbors and find out if they want to sell privately...or know someone who does. You may even be able to find someone to take back a mortgage if you're worried about qualifying for one.

Also, don't confuse your grief and your selling of the house. Yes, of course many memories took place there, and perhaps it's grief over what happened that is your biggest turning point at the moment. If that's the case, rest assured that it will get better with time (no, it doesn't disappear, but it's less painful). Just be realistic about what you can/cannot expect from a house. Also make certain that your money will cover your expenses. You don't want/need that worry on top of everything.

Insofar as your brothers are concerned, it would take a minor miracle for a change in personality at this time.
It sounds like they bullied you concerning the sale of the house instead of working with you, and giving you time to heal somewhat and then come to a decision. Think very carefully about letting them back into your life. OK...that's my perspective only. You may have a totally different one.

I wish you better health and with decisions concerning your future. Yours, Lenora.
 

Mouse girl

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@Rufous McKinney thank you, you are so kind. I do have a really lovely agent. She is not like other agents. She is really kind. I canceled on a showing last week because I was too sick and she was going to be in my area and offered to go get me food. She bought me lunch and picked up my medication for me. She is super busy so it isn't like she has nothing to do. I just got so much bad advice to sell my home when I did as everyone thought there was going to be a real estate crash. But that didn't matter to me but for some reason, it seemed like I needed to do it. I've gotten different advice from an the accountant that did my dad's estate and a finacial advisor and others. I'm just sooo messed up and I have to buy a place within a year for a property tax thing. It's just too much. Even when i'm well, having two apts in a week is enough. But it's day in day out stress and I'm ssooooo sick. I can barely leave the house, let alone drive most days. my lease is up soon but i hope they will let me stay here while i look. I always pay in advance so i'm a good tenant but they may not get that or feel that way. Just have to take it as it comes. If i have to move twice, I just pray i can take it. I didn't feel this anxious at home at all. I had peace and joy there but there was this underlying thing of i can't stay or fix up the house as I want because of my brother. He's been violent in the past. he can also be so kind and generous, he's just confusing and i've always walked on eggshells with him. He called after he heard about my dad (he didn't talk to me or my dad for well over 10 years even thought i wrote to him twice a year and my dad reached out to him). He said asked who my dad's lawyer was after he said, so dad's dead, huh? He said he and his wife were coming over and I thought, well, if his wife's here, maybe i'll be ok. He seemed kinda different but said wierd stuff about wishing he had talked to my dad before he wrote his will. He also tried to use his key to just walk in my house but i had changed the locks because i feared he might hurt me knowing i was there alone. I'm trying to justify selling I think by thinking about all the bad weird stuff, stuff that scared me right away. He's a lawyer and was defending the other brother's bad actions because "money is involved" and was using legal terms about dad's will which freaked me out. anyways, sorry to go on. clearly i'm a mess. lol I will be ok. It just hard to believe that now and my mind takes me to catastrophizing like mad.
 

Mouse girl

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oh my god. i just realized that this isn't my thread. I thought this was a thread i started. I have highjacked someone else's thread. I am so sorry! my brain isn't working right. I sincerely appologise. I should have started my own thread. I thought this was one I had started. my fault. really sorry.
 
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I didn't have to move. I should have gotten a fence and cameras and stayed where i loved at least until i was more healed and felt more grounded. I don't know, it's all so confusing.
Yeah. That sounds really healing and restful, and like a a totally great place to recover from the multiple traumas and betrayals ....
The brother i was scared of left a note on my door to call him after the house sold and I flipped out and moved far away. But, I could have been wrong, he may not have hurt me.
Hey, those are the knd of dixce I just loooooove to roll ..... will he kill e? Just hurt me? Maim me? Lock me in a lccloset and starve me to dath slowly ????

So many peaceful, healing choices !!!!
I've loved and feared this brother my whole life and he cut off the entire family. He has a history of anger, rage and impulsiveness. And the stuff they made up for this suit was so insane and hurtful,
Oh yeah !!! Anger, rage and impulsiveness ..... the perfect restful trifecta ...

Was he also part of the lawsuits? Or did he stay out of all that ugliness ....
I always feel my emotions later, rather than in the moment
That happens to me sometimes, too .... it's like I have to process them a bit first ...
I can't even find examples where others ruin their lives and leave their home and regret it after trauma.
And that would help you how?

The more I hear, the more certain I am that you're on the right path .. it's just a little windier than would be ideal.

I think it was important for you to get outta there ..... just try to hang on til more is revealed. You really cant know what's in the works right now ....
 
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I thought this was a thread i started. I have highjacked someone else's thread.
I should have started my own thread. I thought this was one I had started. my fault. really sorry.
Believe it or not, that's happened before All you have to do (I'd do it for you, but I'm on the verge of crashing and really need a quick lie down) is PM one of the mods (Mary, Jyoti, or Rebeccare) or even just tag them into this thread, and they'll move all of this to you very own thread .... no worries.
I will be ok. It just hard to believe that now and my mind takes me to catastrophizing like mad.
I know how that feels. Like a nightmare inside a whirlwind, inside a tornado, on steroids .... or maybe meth. It'll get btter.


I'm going to repeat ..... you had to get out of there, there was no other option, You did the best you could under awful circumstances. Focus on your very sweet RE lady, find the best place you can, see if it's possible to get an extension on the 1 year deadline. Work with what you got.

I think you did a courageous thing getting out of there, specially out of a place you loved and wanted to hold close to your heart. Clearly, something/someone was watching over you ....

They still are. Just give 'em a little hand ....
 
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But it's day in day out stress and I'm ssooooo sick. I can barely leave the house, let alone drive most days. my lease is up soon but i hope they will let me stay here while i look. I always pay in advance so i'm a good tenant but they may not get that or feel that way. Just have to take it as it comes. If i have to move twice, I just pray i can take it.
When a parent passes away, there is a nearly universal form of chaos that ensues, and people can often behave very badly. Its- really horrible. I try not to judge the motives of others, but you have to wonder.

The stories I have seen and heard could fill a book.

I imagine entire Phds have been written analyzing this bad behavior, the clasping and grasping and fighting that takes place over money, and valuables and stuff.

the land suffers: everybody wants their cut. Thats why there were: Kings, Princes and Castles. To keep the land intact, you can't keep dividing it into smaller and smaller bits to pass out to all the entitled offpsring.

Where did all that money go? Where is Grama's antique desk?

In my case, my brother was to handle my mother's money, and. did not do a good job. I ended up with a mess. Later, we had to give all the money back we thought we had inherited, back. I end up owing my brother money when i owed nobody money. Now your angry about money, and you love your brother. Now, a resentment is growing.

I don' t like this at all.

d I have to buy a place within a year for a property tax thing.
So could you do something like: buy into a condo or something a bit- straight forward, with some nice outside area to enjoy hanging out in? HOA dues.

If somebody said: you have to move tomorrow- I can' t do it either. Some solution exists. Its somewhere out there, just not sure what it is.
 

Sushi

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oh my god. i just realized that this isn't my thread. I thought this was a thread i started. I have highjacked someone else's thread. I am so sorry! my brain isn't working right. I sincerely appologise. I should have started my own thread. I thought this was one I had started. my fault. really sorry.
Don’t worry, threads don’t really ‘belong’ to any member (unless they specify it some way, like entitling it something like ‘xx member’s treatment thread,’ or ‘I am about to have xx surgery—need support.” So, it is fine to jump in as long as it is on the subject of the thread. :)
 

Mouse girl

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@YippeeKi YOW !!

Oh my god! you made me actually laugh at loud for the first time in a few weeks! You were so funny with the way you answered. lol That really helps. Laughter can really show us how nuts we are being and laugh at ourselves about it. lol You are the best. Oh my god.

And yes, hearing about others messing up after trauma does help. Just like hearing of friends regrets too. Just helps me feel more normal.

And oh yes, both brothers who hadn't talked in over 20 years became best buds right away and both sued. The scary but also nice bro is a lawyer, once he started talking about how they both went over my dad's will after my dad's funeral and he started using all these legal terms, I was scared to death. My dad had warned me that he might give me trouble since he is a lawyer and had cut off the family. They sued me together, or my dad's estate but it was soooo personal and dark and they knew they were lying. I couldn't breathe when i had to call him to let him know what dad left him after i found out from the lawyer. I didn't know people could just make up stuff and do this sort of thing with estates at the me. I am not even angry at him. I think both men have their own issues. It's always harder to deal with me hurting me, like leaving. I can't control others, ya know, but me, it's my responsibility. I had been scared what my bro my do when he knew my dad died just safety wise as he has a hate button that was pushed on me over 10 years ago. I"m so small and both bros have alot of issues with women and i got thrown under the bus before in this family before.

What you write helps.

Just reread it, lol. yes. I was also afraid that even if i saw him without his intent being to hurt me, he might snap. He coughed a friend of his when they argued over playing a game. He had choked me as a child too. There is a history of violence against women in the family, not all the time but a couple events very traumatizing to be around. it's just sad really. all of it.
 

nyanko_the_sane

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If somebody said: you have to move tomorrow- I can' t do it either. Some solution exists. Its somewhere out there, just not sure what it is.
For many of us the thought of having to move is traumatizing in itself. Even if you are lucky enough to have someplace to move. So many don't have the resources to move, even if they wanted. It is so tough out here in Cali. Some people have taken up residence in parks, others along the side of roads.
 

Mouse girl

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@Rufous McKinney

Oh, i'm so sorry you went through it too. that is really horrible and so hard that you ended up having to give back money you thought you inherited. hard stuff.

yeah, i soooo don't want to live in a condo or townhome. i'm so sensitive to noise and hated living in apartments. it's also good to have a place where the car can come close to the door to get in cus walking too far would kill me at times. well, when i was better and shopping and stuff. i can get a house if i can find one in this time. it's a bit nuts out there real estate wise, not like anything anyone's ever seen, so we shall see what happens. too hard to have that attitude about where i will live when i can't even handle looking. i have to try not to think about it at the moment cus it's keeping me up all night worrying etc. just have to take life as it comes. but i am having a really hard time. it's too much. should have waited out the pandemic. that was the big mistake that i made this sudden choice to sell when i had planned on staying through it. don't know what happened there, trauma brain took over for no reason, this flight response trying to ward off the next problem and i ended up causing myself a bigger problem. i did feel less stress at home. it's loud where i moved. wears me out at times. i hope i can find a quiet place. i hope i can learn to love it even though it won't have the history and memories. oh. hard to let go. i felt my dad at home, even my mom in a slight way although she's been gone since i was very young. so much love.
 
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it's keeping me up all night worrying

Maybe try this trick my therapist suggested: (i had lots of 3 am worry)

Schedule a specific time for: specific worry session.

You have an issue to solve. You don't have to solve it 24/7.

so maybe see if that trick might help. I've tried it and it helped me a bit.

Some condos are much better made than apartments and maybe parking varies etc. Might not be so noisy.

Letting go is universally hard. Most of us aren't very good at it. I think humans are very territorial. Like most animals.

Its ok to miss the place, the time, and your memories are yours, most valuable. Sometimes we just have to accept things change. Your still processing all this. so thats very understandable.
 

Mouse girl

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thank you. i keep trying to let go and not worry but my mind is so out of control. it's hard, i used to have a goreous yard to watch the leaves and animals and it was dry climate and hot. i used to be able to sleep a bit and nap, now i can barely sleep with loads of medication, more than i took before. and i can't nap at all. i thought i could move on and embrace new but i've just been miserable, depressed, anxious and just flipping out everyday since i moved, about a year ago. it was better in the beginning but my health has just gotten worse an worse. it's a bit humid here, just a bit out of LA but this weather isn't good for me either. thanks for being so kind. i'm trying to believe i can be happy somewhere new, but in my mind, i just see things that aren't my dads house and with no privacy. i didn't realize how special my dad's place was really. like i forgot. before the boys sued me, i thought, i'll be ok. and i thought about moving since my dad's house needed loads of work, but i looked at open houses back then and thought, no, i'll stay and fix it. and felt very happy about that seeing how special the place itself was, the yard and quiet and nice area. what sucks is i think, maybe my brother wasn't going to hurt me, maybe he would appologize. and i made myself miserable for no reason. i just don't know. a male friend of his said he had been scared of my brother at times too but he liked him very much. just like i love my brother. i just think i should have stayed and waited till i was more clear. i used to walk there too but here, people don't wear masks, there aren't trees really, bit loud trucks and my landlords across the street have a big rottweiler that lunged at me, thank god the guy caught his collar in time. that dog was growling and is huge. alot of people don't leash their dogs. it's just very different than la. i miss all the homes around me just all of it. i hope i can at least get near there. i feel for my mental health i need to be in my area again. and also for how ill i am, trying to find new stores has proven too much for me being so sick. anyways. i'm sorry, i'm just a mess.
 

Mouse girl

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@Rufous McKinney

Oh, i'm so sorry you went through it too. that is really horrible and so hard that you ended up having to give back money you thought you inherited.

oh no, I didn't give back anything. The inheritance went by my dad's will. I was given more by my dad than both my brothers. they sued me and i gave them more money that my dad left me. I didn't care about that. i was happy to end it. But, no, it all went by law. Each got what my dad left them but anyone can contest a will and claim anything they want. you either mediate or go to court. I was fine giving them more money, it was the whole darkness of that lawsuit, all the lies they put in the claim and putting me through hell that they knew my health wasn't up to, that was the horrible part. my dad would have been soooooo mad. and i think he would have been shocked a bit by one brother, but maybe i'm wrong. people say that perhaps he knew that his sons wouldn't be there for me and that the one who talked to him was healthy, married and very wealthy and the other, had cut him off over a decade earlier. he said he had no idea what his life was like except that he was a lawyer. just to be clear on that note. no one could have accessed money that wasn't given to them through his will/trust etc. I was executor so i had to pay for everything, lawyers and funerals, fees and i don't remember what and i had to file papers so everyone could get what they were given etc. thank god my dad set things up as he did because i wouldn't have been able to survive at all.
 

lenora

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Hello @ Mouse girl.....Those brothers of you have to stay gone. If not, you'll have trouble on your doorstep forever. I can say that b/c I was in a similar situation with a brother of mine. Mental illness with alcoholism was the problem, and there was nothing I could do about any of it. He did phone me every day as he had lived with us for a period of time, but I was never going to make the mistake of once again seeing him in person.

Rufous is right. Why don't you have your realtor check out some condos. You don't have to see everything...she can be your "filter" so to speak. That may be a more realistic living arrangement for you now and as you get older. Having a garden, while lovely, is also an upkeep that can wear one down. The condo will probably have a common seating area.

I do think you haven't given yourself a chance for mourning the loss of your father. Your brothers rather charged in and took over. It's such an old story....my sister did it after being completely out of my mother's life for 25 yrs. I didn't even have a chance to attend the funeral....so be it, it happened and I'm OK now b/c I was good to my mother for my entire life and at a time when she especially needed it. (My father died when I was 14).

We all have regrets, but letting your brothers back in after what they did is really making problems for yourself in the future. It's a great pity that your father didn't have a more ironclad Will, even though most people really don't. He's not alone in that regard. Why is it that the one who has done the most is always the one to get shafted? It's almost a rule of the universe, it seems.

You're traumatized...accept it and try to find the next best thing for yourself. If you want to be back in the city, fine....ask your agent to look for something there. In addition to houses, amst condos will offer help to people who need it in the way of getting groceries to the apartment, etc. Ask about special allowances before you sign a contract. Ask for changing neighborhoods that are becoming "hot."

Wouldn't you know that my entire family is now dead...and I'm the oldest of 9 children. I have one unemotionally involved brother (that we take care of) and said sister who caused all of the trouble. But I would give serious thought to contacting your brother....especially if he doesn't like women. If either is married, perhaps their children will contact you someday and you'll be in a better place to make a decision.

And the move itself will be difficult, but then you know that. Can you afford movers? I hope so....as you just need to rest and put this entire affair behind you as much as possible. And how about changing your avatar to Tiger Cat? I wish you more peace in the future. Yours, Lenora.
 

Mouse girl

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@lenora . hehe....I like tiger cat. mostly just cus of cats. I love all animals really, except dogs that attck. lol

Well, you know, the main thing is, i really feel i made a huge mistake in selling the house i loved. it was so perfect for me and it had this amazing huge yard and trees. I had this spot in the back I called my magic place and when I sat out there thinking about selling, I looked up at the trees and thought, I can't leave here, I love this, I won't find this again. And I was right. But this crazy trauma brain took over and said: You'll find beauty somewhere else. I just had so many concerns and can't believe i put myself at risk moving during the pandemic as I took it seriously. I knew that i didn't want to leave the home and it would be too much to move on my physically. I knew i didn't want to rent. All the problems i worried about came true and then more on top of it. I also loved that everything was 5 mins away and easy to get to. my dad's place was so old and the area had such huge yards that there really wasn't any upkeep except to have a gardner come and cut down the weeds after we get the rare rain or trim bushes. renting is more to do for me and less workable. when i thought that i would never come back home again if i left, it made me feel horrible but this crazy ptsd voice came in again and just made me ignore my feelings and instincts. people had freaked me out about a real estate crash coming so i better sell now, but that wouldn't effect me, the house was paid for and i had wanted to stay and fix it up. i only flipped out and felt i couldn't stay after the lawsuit. i had alarm on the house which made me feel safe and i could have put up a gate in the front like most other homes had and been fine. my bro can find me anywhere. it's like i went crazy and everyone i talked to did the same thing my crazy brain was doing and more pushing me to move, dismissing worries. they were trying to be positive and didn't get how sick i am and were worried about my bros. But the idea that my bro might really hurt me or that the real estate crash was coming were all "future telling" stories. not real. i didn't know either. i had been there for a bt and the bro didn't hurt me. i just had brain lock that i had to move. i was going to stay through the pandemic cus i wasn't going to put msyelf at risk and again, i ignored that. i can't understand it and i'm so hurt and soooo sad. i just want to go home. i loved it there, it was so special and it's gone. i can't really believe i did that. i don't do things like that. i get more info and feel things out, take my time if i can, but the pandemic kinda pushed my already ptsd mind into crazy zone and i wasn't thinking straight. i had concerns about my brother hurting me for years but that hadn't happened. i messed up so badly and i will suffer for it for the rest of my life because i loved it there. i loved the history of it and the knowing the nieghborhood for all my life. i have no familiy so the house was the history. and it worked so great for my illness.

somehow i will have to forgive myself for messing up. i don't know how to do that when i'm so heartbroken and out of my mind with anxiety now. i can't even drive or function after no sleep for over a week after i drove by home. i will do my best to move forward but i'm so disappointed in myself. i was so worried i would mess up with what my dad left me and i did well until now. i've wasted sooo much money it scared me as i've had to hire people to help me siince i mvoed and got so sick. i know i'm still blessed and i used to feel so blessed at the house and so happy. but i don't feel it now. i feel alone and scared and overwhelmed and don't know how i will get out of this with my health so poor and my mental health so fragile.

thanks for listening. my home was my healing place. even here there are so many low level noises that make me sick and the lightening in the house is that wierd cheap lead light stuff which give me migraines. its also super dark in the bedrooms and my eye sight is failing big time from lack of good light. i also could have been drivng to the beach if i had stayed home. yoga, walking, healing in the yard. being surrounded by familiar area. it's too much for me here. really hard. thanks for listening. i also used to donate to the food shelter by home and i can't get out there to do it, that made me feel good to do. hopefully, i'll get out there again. it's like i didn't even take it in that i was really leaving as i had to put all my energy into the sale (which was too hard on me too) but when it came time to leave, it hit me how much i messed up i was sobbing. never felt good since. i know i'm so lucky. this is a priviledged problem. i had been poor my whole life and suddenly wasn't and i messed up the one thing besides people and pets and such, the one thing in my life that meant the most to me. that home. still can't believe i'm not going back ever. and it's all my fault. no one took it from me, i didn't lose it in a fire or something. it's so stragne to know you ruined your life for no reason, except going a bit crazy from years of stress.