Hi everyone,
I had an internet and video game addiction in my younger days which was a way for me to cope with my anxiety/OCD but as i grew up and entered adulthood i adopted a very spartan and regimented lifestyle that didnt allow for time wasting or any idle time. I used to make daily schedules and go to work and then i would go to gym and then i would come home and meditate and read and fall sleep. And then this CFS curse hit me.
Now, I cant exercise, i cant work, i cant read. So all the tools that helped me focus my energy are gone. What i have now is countless hours that i can not really spend productively (or at least the way i have traditionally defined as "productive"). Instead i just lay in bed mindlessly browsing reddit and watch Family Guy youtube clips all day.
I am not worried that this is getting in my way of school or work because i dont have those anymore. But i think its getting in my way of recovery. I think this type of internet wandering can be very detrimental to recovery and doesn't allow one to rest deeply.
But the alternative is almost maddening. When i try to just lay in bed and close my eyes and listen to soothing music i get very anxious and my OCD just rushes back.
I guess my question is, how can i allow myself to rest when i feel like im losing my mind due to anxiety? and how do i stop the vicious internet addiction cycle?
First off, I am making the assumption that you are in a similar place as I am, or that others reading this can similarly relate. Of course, I'm only providing this information based on where I am right now.
And right now I am also having difficulties, in regards to my meditation practice.
Intellectually, I recognize the root of the problem, but here I find myself despite having this “knowledge.”
Remaining true to my meditation program is one of the most difficult obstacles I face each and every day. That may seem like a silly thing to state, considering the fact I've been bedridden for the past three years, while also having many other physical issues just like everybody else here. But when I take the time to meditate I am often rewarded both long and short term.
The thing is, I have to trick myself into being disciplined, to follow through, to do the necessary work.
I constantly battle the urge to do research. I ALWAYS need to do more research. The subject matter doesn't matter so much, “I need to understand everything” … my brain tells me, as part of a lifelong habit.
Everything I see, touch, hear, or feel is a potential problem waiting to be fixed / rearranged / improved / disproved / deconstructed etc.
I'm an obsessive compulsive thinker… which seemingly, was a good thing before I became ill.
“Knowledge is nothing,” I keep reminding myself. Experience is everything...!??
I don't play video games, but despite my newfound discipline, I do venture down the internet rabbit hole more often than I should.
What I do is employ several tricks to get out of this rut, so that I may stop acquiring useless information, while curbing my obsession. It's vital to my physical and mental energy and processing abilities, as well as my sanity.
Example:
For the past couple years I've been setting alarms on my phone at various intervals throughout the day. Each time the alarm goes off it puts me in a present state, if only for brief moments.
“What's that noise? Where am I? What is the message instructing me to do? Meditate…”
Now, if I'm following my own master plan I meditate for three minutes immediately after silencing the alarm.
Right now, it's not working. I'm finding excuses to bypass my practice. As a result, my head is cluttered with excess and I'm feeling generalized anxiety from time to time.
So, the thing I need to do, the only thing, is invest a few moments in my practice each hour.
The question is, how badly do I want it?
I shall persist, and I will get past this temporary barrier. Whatever is happening right now is merely something I need to go through at this moment. It's an opportunity to learn and an opportunity for self-discovery.
Typically, the kind of day I'm having is often based on the following three groupings, from best to worst case scenario:
Ideal - Meditate first thing in the morning, meditate throughout the day, brief intervals, have internet and media vacations throughout the day (total media exposure less than four hours in a 24-hour period).
Allow emotions to express, meaning occasional tears of joy or sadness. Acknowledging my human form through stretching and subtle movements. Occasionally engaging other humans in some type of social interaction, ideally less than 30 minutes in duration: texting, chatting, brief phone call or most often, simple observation (either watching the downstairs neighbors rummaging through items in their garage, or tracking pigeons outside my balcony).
Not ideal, but not too taxing either - Being lost in thought, fantasies about future recovery, reworking the past utilizing “what if” scenarios etcetera. Watching a few shows here and there, one hour in duration maximum. Taking an hour or so going through medical literature, researching. Mentally or physically (on tablet) organizing, making lists, categorizing or sorting my thoughts, papers, music collection, music compositions...
Less than ideal: Waking up in the morning and immediately launching into the next internet search, seeking out answers to questions or finding problems that don't yet exist. Watching a feature-length film from start to finish, or watching two shows consecutively. Failing to acknowledge my human form by neglecting movement or self touch. Not acknowledging my presence for hours at a time.
One year ago, quiet time was necessarily five or six hours per day and communicating with humankind was very difficult.
Two years ago, most of my day consisted of wearing noise blocking earmuffs, total darkness, and no stimuli whatsoever in order to deal with the overwhelming mental, physical, and emotional pain.
And here I am now, finally having the ability to process thoughts again, sort through abstract ideas, and even communicate via forums like these … but achieving a balance has proven to be extremely difficult. And it seems to me, it's always about balance each and every day. Not pushing too hard, but not giving-in either.
When I am attempting to escape my physical self by obsessing over daily trivia, it eventually catches up with me and both my mental and physical condition worsen.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, I appreciate having the opportunity to share.
H
*I apologize for the length, everything I write seems to turn into an essay.
Did you know that you can reply to someone's post in basically 3 ways (one of which you may have been trying to do here 
