Article: Joke COMPETITION now running (Set up by Yours Truly)
- Thread starter Phoenix Rising Team
- Start date
Great pitch, Victoria! I wish I had such a joke for you....The last time I laughed until I cried and felt like rolling on the floor was actually reading YUPPIE FLUE by Rik Carlson, the head of the VT CFIDS Assoc. It is a wonderfully truthful book--the first one I read where I found someone who had gone through experiences like mine with ME/CFS. I think it was when he described his course with Chinese herbs....
Sing
Sing
For Victoria (big grins)
It was a dark and stormy night, a Christmas eve in fact. On this night with no people about a UFO was about to land right where two country road intersected. The UFO came down amid pulsing bright lights, it sat down in the middle of the intersection, and out stepped two Martians.
The Martians, a Captain because of his large floppy ears and his trimmer eared Lieutenant, looked around in the driving snow and saw the flicker of a light off to their right. Drawn by the light the Martians marched in that direction, fearless and ready to take on what ever they found.
As they drew closer to the light the beheld a building with strange sentinels in rows before it. They were in fact standing in front of a row of gas pumps. But the Martians were on their first quest to establish communications and were not familiar with gas stations or indeed with gas pumps.
The captain assumed that these strange creatures must be guarding the way into some one very important in the structure behind them and so he made a gesture of respect among his people and in Martianess said, "Take me to your leader".
The Lieutenant Martian however was a bit concerned and very unobtrusively he whispered something into his captain's big floppy ears. The captain must have disagreed because he just shook his head.
The captain turned back to the gas pump and was puzzled that the gas pump had not replied to his polite requests. So he took a step closer and repeated in a tone that would brook no argument about who was really in charge and said again, "Take Me To Your Leader!".
Of course the gas pump did not reply.
At this point the little Lieutenant. was starting to look a bit agitated and was waving his hands around in order to distract his captain. The captain however was ignoring him and had taken another step towards the gas pump, pulling out his phaser he got right up in the gas pumps face and said, "TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER OR I WILL ZAP YOU!"
Well the gas pump, being a gas pump did not deign to reply.
At this point the Lieutenant Martian was jumping up and down and the Captain Martian had turned a rather ugly shade of puce. With a growl and roar the Captain of the Martians shot the gas pump.
WHOOOP, BOOM!
Two little Martians floating out in space the captain a bit singed around his floppy ears, the Lt. had crossed his arms and with a furious frown on his face his looked over at his captain and said, " I TOLD YOU ANYBODY WHO CAN WRAP HIS PETER AROUND HIMSELF TWICE AND STICK IT IN HIS EAR AIN'T NOBODY TO F*&^ WITH!"
It was a dark and stormy night, a Christmas eve in fact. On this night with no people about a UFO was about to land right where two country road intersected. The UFO came down amid pulsing bright lights, it sat down in the middle of the intersection, and out stepped two Martians.
The Martians, a Captain because of his large floppy ears and his trimmer eared Lieutenant, looked around in the driving snow and saw the flicker of a light off to their right. Drawn by the light the Martians marched in that direction, fearless and ready to take on what ever they found.
As they drew closer to the light the beheld a building with strange sentinels in rows before it. They were in fact standing in front of a row of gas pumps. But the Martians were on their first quest to establish communications and were not familiar with gas stations or indeed with gas pumps.
The captain assumed that these strange creatures must be guarding the way into some one very important in the structure behind them and so he made a gesture of respect among his people and in Martianess said, "Take me to your leader".
The Lieutenant Martian however was a bit concerned and very unobtrusively he whispered something into his captain's big floppy ears. The captain must have disagreed because he just shook his head.
The captain turned back to the gas pump and was puzzled that the gas pump had not replied to his polite requests. So he took a step closer and repeated in a tone that would brook no argument about who was really in charge and said again, "Take Me To Your Leader!".
Of course the gas pump did not reply.
At this point the little Lieutenant. was starting to look a bit agitated and was waving his hands around in order to distract his captain. The captain however was ignoring him and had taken another step towards the gas pump, pulling out his phaser he got right up in the gas pumps face and said, "TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER OR I WILL ZAP YOU!"
Well the gas pump, being a gas pump did not deign to reply.
At this point the Lieutenant Martian was jumping up and down and the Captain Martian had turned a rather ugly shade of puce. With a growl and roar the Captain of the Martians shot the gas pump.
WHOOOP, BOOM!
Two little Martians floating out in space the captain a bit singed around his floppy ears, the Lt. had crossed his arms and with a furious frown on his face his looked over at his captain and said, " I TOLD YOU ANYBODY WHO CAN WRAP HIS PETER AROUND HIMSELF TWICE AND STICK IT IN HIS EAR AIN'T NOBODY TO F*&^ WITH!"
Victoria,
I was just about to put this one in the Community Lounge Joke Section but it might as well go here.....
*******************
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four-hour
operation.
A young nurse arrives to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to
wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his willie
in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close
look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That was
very nice but listen very, very closely -- are...
my...test...results...back?
I was just about to put this one in the Community Lounge Joke Section but it might as well go here.....
*******************
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four-hour
operation.
A young nurse arrives to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to
wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his willie
in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close
look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That was
very nice but listen very, very closely -- are...
my...test...results...back?
LOL at the jokes so far! Here's mine:
A woman who was a typical busy mother and wife was puttering around the house one morning when the phone rang. It was her gynecologist's office. The secretary there said "You have your annual check-up scheduled in two weeks, but it turns out Dr. X is going to be on vacation then. He's wondering if you could come in today at 10 instead." The mother glanced at the clock, figured she could just make it and said "Okay, sure."
She then proceeded to zoom around the house and get ready to leave. Like most of us, she wanted to make a little extra effort in the hygiene department before going to the doctor's, so she grabbed a washcloth off the bathroom counter and gave her private parts a quick wash.
At the appointment while her doctor was examining her, the doctor said "My, we have made an effort." The woman thought "Okay...whatever" and the doctor finished the appointment.
The woman went back home and at 3:00 her six year old daughter came home from school. "Mom!" she yelled out of the bathroom, "What did you do with the washcloth that was on the counter?"
"It's in the laundry hamper. Just use another one." the mom replied.
"No, I need THAT washcloth." said the daughter,
"It had all my glitter and sparkles in it!"
A woman who was a typical busy mother and wife was puttering around the house one morning when the phone rang. It was her gynecologist's office. The secretary there said "You have your annual check-up scheduled in two weeks, but it turns out Dr. X is going to be on vacation then. He's wondering if you could come in today at 10 instead." The mother glanced at the clock, figured she could just make it and said "Okay, sure."
She then proceeded to zoom around the house and get ready to leave. Like most of us, she wanted to make a little extra effort in the hygiene department before going to the doctor's, so she grabbed a washcloth off the bathroom counter and gave her private parts a quick wash.
At the appointment while her doctor was examining her, the doctor said "My, we have made an effort." The woman thought "Okay...whatever" and the doctor finished the appointment.
The woman went back home and at 3:00 her six year old daughter came home from school. "Mom!" she yelled out of the bathroom, "What did you do with the washcloth that was on the counter?"
"It's in the laundry hamper. Just use another one." the mom replied.
"No, I need THAT washcloth." said the daughter,
"It had all my glitter and sparkles in it!"
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."
The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".
So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.
He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.
The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!":victory::victory::victory:
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."
The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".
So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.
He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.
The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!":victory::victory::victory:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."
I love this Sherlock Holmes joke and even more so because my dear old dad, who was notoriously bad at getting jokes, had to think about it for ages. About ten minutes later when I had quite forgotten about it the penny had finally dropped, he started laughing and didn't stop until he had tears rolling down his cheeks, he had a lovely laugh - I had quite forgotten about this so thank-you for bringing back a lovely memory :Retro smile:
Great idea Victoria...I just don't know if I can get one dirty enough for you
Don't mind a bit of dirt on my hands, Cort,
but don't like "mud" thrown at me - it messes up my make-up & ruins my lipstick, or worse, gets in my mouth & I've got to wash my mouth out :Retro smile: (as well as yours
)...........Sigh, once upon a time, I had a wicked sense of humour, then I joined the Phoenix Forum & had to behave myself......... in public..........but in private, I've still got a wicked sense of humour.......
Jokes are easy to find, Sing, but jokes that make me laugh out loud, might be a wee bit harder.
Sorry I can't read very well these days, so reading a whole book is out - you'll have to find a short one
.......... Joke, that is......:Retro wink:
George, that was priceless, not only laughing out loud, but tears in the eyes.
I actually started laughing at the word Martianess, before I even got to the punchline. I think you scored 97.5 out of 100 for that one.
Gee, members will have to try superhard to beat that one......
I actually started laughing at the word Martianess, before I even got to the punchline. I think you scored 97.5 out of 100 for that one.
Gee, members will have to try superhard to beat that one......
Beesknees, that one cracked me up, also.
In fact, I'm still laughing as I type this reply.....
(Gosh, this is fun already - wish I'd thought of a joke competition months ago).
In fact, I'm still laughing as I type this reply.....
(Gosh, this is fun already - wish I'd thought of a joke competition months ago).