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Dealing with annoying people and stories of being a christian

Discussion in 'Lifestyle Management' started by Tulip, Apr 14, 2011.

  1. Tulip

    Tulip Guest

    Ugghhh - I'm having one of those annoying people weeks! Yesterday a woman that I know popped around, to her i'm my illness and nothing else. All she wants to talk about is my health, how I "should" be doing this that and the other, have I tried blah blah blah and then for the finale, pops in a story about how she is a christian and through god she gets through anything and how hard ibs is get the picture :headache:

    Thing is i'm a christian to, but would never dream of preaching to other people, it's not appropriate and not my job. She isn't a friend, just a woman that lives around the corner. She is patronising, controlling and makes me feel like crap when ever I speak to her. I don't tell her about my health (she hears it on the grapevine from??). Her brother has CFS and she is constantly calling it "chronic fatigue" and comparing it to her ibs (competitive much?). I almost told her where to go yesterday :oops:

    How on earth do you deal with these types of people?
  2. Wayne

    Wayne Senior Member

    Ashland, Oregon
    Do not hesitate to protect yourself from her intrustions. Remove yourself from her negative energy as quickly and diplomatically as possible. Be vigilant about not letting her get near you for any length of time whatsoever. Hopefully she will get the message in a way that is not unduly disruptive for either of you. In short, I would suggest dealing with her honestly, forthrightly, assertively, self-protectively, and fairly.

    I would also be wary of having somebody like this "pray for you". Personally, I would never want anybody like this praying for me in any manner whatsoever. The behavior you describe strikes me as very controlling; I suspect any prayers coming from her would likely fit in the same category.

    Please protect yourself, and don't be bashful about doing whatever it takes to do so.

    All the Best, Wayne
  3. Carrigon

    Carrigon Senior Member

    PA, USA
    I stay alone, that's how I deal with people these days. Because they all suck. At least the ones near me do. I've been through so many similar things with people. There's just no point in dealing with them because they will never understand, ever.

    My bad experience today was with the neighbor attached to my bedroom wall. He started blasting the stereo. After nearly an hour, I knocked on his door. And this is a guy who claims to be oh so religious, too. He told me to move my bed out of my bedroom. I was so shocked at that response. He had the stereo up so loud, you could hear it all the way into my living room, my entire apartment, the hall outside, outside the windows, and I'm sure they heard it upstairs and down a flight. He did turn it off afterward, but it's impossible to get it through his head that I'm physically ill and need to rest and can't have a blasting stereo anywhere near me.

    The experience ruined my entire night, even though he hasn't put it on again. Like the damage has been done. People have no compassion or real feeling for others at all. They are selfish and they just plain suck. I feel like we live in such an evil world, and those of us who are good are few and far between and really getting dumped on lately.
  4. Sasha

    Sasha Fine, thank you

    If she isn't a friend of yours she has no business "popping round" to your house and inflicting herself on you. How would you feel about just not letting her in the house - just making a polite excuse that gets rid of her immediately off the doorstep. Depending on what's appropriate to what she knows about your health, something like, "I'm sorry but I was resting and I need to go back and lie down" or "I'm sorry but I'm about to go to an appointment and can't stop to talk"?

    Good luck, she sounds awful!
  5. Nielk


    How about telling her (since she is so interested in your illness), that they found that it's linked to a mysterious virus.
    It might be communicable and you are not sure how but, they found clusters of people in different parts of the country who came down with it. You don;want to put her at risk so for her benefit, it/s better if she stays away from you.
  6. Tulip

    Tulip Guest

    Great suggestions, thanks. You are spot on Wayne, she is a control freak and gives christians like me a bad name!.

    Oh, I do not let her in my house, I always stand at the front door. I have tried so many ways to get rid of her, but they have not worked. I think it's time to get really creative.

    Carrigon, don't lose hope. There are good caring people out there that don't suck, they can just be hard to find.
  7. ukxmrv

    ukxmrv Senior Member


    I'd call that deliberate abuse of a disabled person. Does she have a vicar or whatever to shop her to?

    (maybe her church group needs a talk on ME)
  8. Dainty

    Dainty Senior Member

    LOL, loved this response.:angel:

    I'm not sure what the best approach would be, but I think my approach would probably be something liek this: I initiate contact, let her know I'd like to talk with her about something. That means the conversation begins as a "not your usual visit" note. Then I would explain to her that any form of stress makes me more ill, and that, unfortunately, her visits cause me stress. I would emphasize that it is not her fault that the conversations are stressful for me, but for the sake of my own health I have to ask that she does not visit me at my house anymore. I would reassure her that I appreciate her concern over my health, and then I would try to give her another outlet for her suggestions, say an email address or something. I'd advise that I probably would not be able to respond to the emails, but that I would read them and seriously consider andy suggestions that might be beneficial for me.

    Hopefully that conversation would firmly communicate in no uncertain terms that her visits are unwelcome and that they harm your health, but should also leave her feeling appreciated and that she still has a way to give you all the advice she feels compelled to spout.

    If, after that, she continued to "drop by", then I would start to involve others. Explain the situation, again emphasizing that you know she means well but it is causing you stress which is making you ill. I'd try to see if I could get a friend of hers to have a talk with her about it, or have a friend of mine talk with a friend of hers, or something to that end. But hopefully it wouldn't come to that.

    Again, I don't know if that's the best approach, but I think that's what I'd try if I were in your shoes. Please keep us updated!
  9. LaurieL

    LaurieL Senior Member

    I like this one. Takes care of the problem and can be done quite nicely with a huge hint effect without being outright rude.


  10. Sallysblooms

    Sallysblooms P.O.T.S. now SO MUCH BETTER!

    Southern USA
    Can you just not open the door? Also, have a sign that says not to ring the bell.

    I don't answer the door or phone unless I want to.
  11. Wonko

    Wonko Senior Member

    The other side.
    this approach works
  12. caledonia


    OH, USA
    You have a lot of choices, take your pick (note: some of these are more serious suggestions than others):

    Passive mode - look out a window or peephole before answering the door. If it's her, don't answer. If you repeat this often enough, hopefully she'll eventually get the message and leave you for easier targets.

    Passive mode - along with the above, have a sign on the door that says No Soliciting. Disconnect your doorbell.

    Assertive mode - establish boundaries with her. Explain that her visits cause you stress which makes you sicker, therefore you would appreciate it if she doesn't visit any more.

    Aggressive mode - scream at her and tell her to get the hell off your porch and never come back.

    Assertive/Aggressive Mode - milk her for all she's worth - ask her to do errands for you, get groceries, mow your lawn, drive you to the doctor. If she's really a Christian she would do these things for you. (of course that means more time in her creepy annoying presence). My guess is, the second you asked her to do you a favor, she would find some excuse not to.

    Insane mode - tell her any absurd lie you can think of to get rid of her - like telling her your sickness is highly contagious, telling her you've converted to Druidism, start talking like you're a crazy person, muttering to yourself, etc, make sure you're holding a kitchen knife while you're doing this, etc.

    Legal mode - if after doing Passive and Assertive Mode, and those don't work, take out a restraining order on her - she won't be allowed to come to your house

    If it was me, I would start with Passive Mode, then move to Assertive if necessary. Unfortunately some people don't seem to get the hint if you ignore them. They crave attention for some reason and don't have the social ability to "get" hints.

    If there is a lesson in this for you from God, it's probably that you need to learn how to establish boundaries - or at least it would be for me. I think this illness causes us to be even more passive especially if that's our natural inclination, because we're often not feeling well.
  13. illsince1977

    illsince1977 A shadow of my former self

    I think you're all right! What a gift to be able to read so many different takes on the same problem!

    I just want to know, why can't I become a car if I sit in my garage long enough? Then I could just go to my local mechanic and get fixed! :D
  14. Tulip

    Tulip Guest

    Thanks again :D

    My front door has glass in it so you can see straight through it LOL. I do hide from her when I can, if she hears the tv or me talking to someone she will stand at the front door for a good 20 minutes yelling out my name :rolleyes: Did I mention she is a control freak?.

    I have done HEAPS of praying about her over the last year that she has been bugging me :eek:, it has become very clear that she is the antichrist :D and needs to be out of my life!.

    Seriously, she clearly has NO idea that her behaviour is completely abnormal. I know if I tell her to back off she will spread the word that there is something wrong with me mentally, because she is simply being "caring" by shoving her opinions down my throat. Getting the picture of how nuts she is?.

    Oh and i'm really bordering on the aggressive stance, I actually find I get less tolerant of peoples crap when i'm sick and i've had enough of hers :cool:
  15. Sasha

    Sasha Fine, thank you

    Very much so! I wouldn't worry about her spreading tales about you, though - I'm sure other people are well aware of what she's like and if she tells them that you don't want to see her, it won't be you that they blame!

    I agree that she's likely to be completely unaware of the impact of her behaviour on other people and lacking in insight into her real motivation for trying to help you (which seem to include a bit of a power trip). I think it's a question of saying something like, "I'm sorry, I get very tired and have to save my energy to spend time with close friends and family, so I'd rather you didn't call any more" and not expecting her to agree. I think you might want to think about being ready with some assertive line such as "I understand you might not agree but that's how I feel. I have to go now" and being prepared to shut the door on her.

    If she comes back or persists aggressively, I wonder if you could say that you'll write and complain to the vicar (pastor? not sure what they're called) of her church, if she's really doing this as what she sees as some sort of Christian duty. I'm sure he/she would have a word with her if you asked.

    Good luck! It is kinder in the end to give her some clear feedback so that she has a chance to learn.
  16. Enid

    Enid Senior Member

    Not experienced anything quite like that Tulip but do appreciate cheerful people about (those who deliver/clean for me etc). And that goes for family who usually are. And opinions have disappeared now they understand I know far more about ME than they. Anything else a no no - its just too draining. Some a little too kind too !
  17. insearchof

    insearchof Senior Member

    Write her a little note and post it, telling her politely that you are not presently well enough for her calls or visits, and you would be pleased if she could refrain from calling and visiting until you initiate contact with her. If you wish to end all contact, then write a Dr John letter along similar lines and say thank you for your offer of friendship but I am unable to reciprocate and this is a little note to say goodbye and all the best.

    If she ignores this, you won't feel so bad not answering the door or if she calls, quickly saying: " Im sorry, but as I explained to you in my note, I am not well enough to maintain a friendship and would be pleased if you could respect my wishes by not calling or dropping by in future" If she persists, resend an identical copy of the note and repeat until she gets the message.

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