Dating and Relationship Advice

[md55]

Hi everyone, I first got CFS in my mid 20s. Due to CFS, I avoided getting into relationships because of the fear of being a burden to potential partners and not being able to give them the attention and effort that a healthy relationship deserves. Now in my 30s, I've started to come to accept my limitations and decided to put myself out there to see if I can find someone that would accept me despite my shortcomings.

Recently, I met someone that I've come to really like. We've had a few dates and have gotten to know each other over a span of about 2 months. I am at the point where I feel if we were to take this relationship any further that I must tell her my condition, otherwise I feel it would be unfair to her. I figured I'd check in with everyone that might've gone through this and ask for some advice.

How long did it take before you told your partner about your illness?

How did you break it to them? Did you just do it casually during a conversation or was it this big unveiling where you sat them down and had a face to face talk?

Any comments/advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you ahead of times.

 

[Misfit Toy]

How much does the illness effect you? I told guys I dated early on because I was always having to cancel and didn't want to seem like a flake. I could never really hide it due to a lot of PEM and fatigue after a date.

If your condition isn't too bad, you can just tell her what you feel comfortable with and explain what you have going on and have her find out as time goes by, but yes...if this is something that you live with and impedes your lifestyle at times, she needs to know. Plus, it will take less pressure off of you, too.

I always like being open about it because I don't like the feeling of pressure. I look super healthy, so no one ever thinks I am sick. Even when I tell them, but when they see it first hand due to the illness striking...they can't say I didn't tell them.

Honesty is the best policy.

 

[md55]

I am pretty fortunate that my illness would be considered mild. I can maintain a full time desk job and live a pretty normal life as long as I eliminate strenuous activities that pushes me past my limit.

I believe in honesty as well, but at the same time I feel I need to keep it to myself until she gets to know me better. There is this fine line of telling them after they get to know you but before they develop strong feelings that muddle their rationality.

 

[SickOfSickness]

I agree about the fine line.

I think you never know what day someone is going to develop strong feelings, so you have to tell earlier than you want to. I had someone develop them all of a sudden, and I wish I had said something sooner.

Do you know her enough to have an idea of how she will react?

 

[md55]

I really have no idea how she would react. The optimistic side of me tries to believe in the good of a human being that she would accept me despite my illness. But at the same time I wouldn't hold a grudge against her if she didn't, that's just the way life works right?

 

[L'engle]

I guess it depends on what type of life she wants to lead. If it is vitally important to her to travel and do strenuous sports with a partner she might not want to compromise that. If she is more of a homebody anyway it may suit her.

 

[md55]

A quick update. I told her about my illness and she was willing to accept me for the way I am. However, with dating comes the question of intimacy. Is there any concrete scientific evidence that me/cfs can or cannot be transmitted to a partner sexually if protection was not used?

The only thing I've come across is the study conducted by Dr. Rosemary Underhill that states 3% of spouses ended up with similar symptoms.

http://www.prohealth.com/library/showarticle.cfm?libid=12013