asking for help from friends

[Cindi]

Hi all.

I have a problem that i need your insights. At this time of my life, I am quite ill,living alone,mostly home bound,need support and affection.I expect my very few friends to visit me or call me without me asking them to do so.For example I had an operation about 5 months ago. One of my best friends visited me only once and second one twice. Other than that they tell me i should call them if i need anything. I am thinking that if they really cared about me they would call me or visit me and i really don't feel like calling them even if i need their help.TRying to solve my problems myself as much as i can. Question is: Am i making a mistake?Should i call them and ask for help even if they don't call me for weeks?I wonder if this is a call for me to learn asking for help. What do you think?

 

[Sparrow]

Some people really don't want others around them when they're ill, or try to keep their weakness a very private thing. Everybody's different that way. So it's possible they sincerely don't know that you'd want them around more.

I have learned that asking for help is sometimes a good thing, and sometimes not. I've found that it generally works out a lot better to make people aware of the places where you're struggling or in need, and let them volunteer to help if they want to. Some people who make those "let me know if you need anything" offers just do it to be polite, while some actually mean it sincerely, and I find that allowing them to volunteer helps to keep the people just trying to be polite from feeling as badly obligated. And being specific in your needs helps the people who really want to help you know how to do it. Often well-intentioned people just don't know what would be helpful, so end up not offering anything specific.

Sorry you're struggling. I hope that things improve for you soon.

 

[minkeygirl]

Cindi, I totally get how you are feeling. I hate asking for help. And we would never not be in touch with a sick friend. But we have a different perspective.

If you really need company then you just need to call them and ask them to come over. Maybe you could have a conversation with them and tell them it would help you a lot if they also would make an effort to ask you for help. Whether you feel like you're imposing or you just don't feel you should have to, or whatever the reason, ask them for what you want.

I think we expect people to just know intuitively what we want and need and provide it but they can't and don't. So they only way you will get what you need is to ask for it.

When my mom died, years ago, a friend called me and demanded that I come to her house for dinner. She didn't ask what I needed. She knew I was too fragile to ask for help and didn't even really know what I needed. So maybe that needs to be explained also.

@Sparrow, i agree but she has told them she wants help and company so that isn't the issue.

 

[taniaaust1]

People often dont understand how sick we are and if you arent asking, they may wrongly assume you do not want or need the help. For this reason it may be important to actually be asking your friends for help.

On the other hand many people will give offers of help out of politeness when in fact they do not really want to be having to take time out of their own lives to help another. LOTS of people are like that, they may not mind helping once or twice at the most but that is it. They wont be there for long term help. Those types of friends will start backing off once you start asking for help. (those arent what I'd call true friends).

 

[Snowdrop]

I definitely have trouble making contact outside my home.
If you don't like using the phone or asking for help do you keep in touch with the people you know by email?
You can send short messages about how you're doing and enquire about how they are that way if you suggest you might need help or want company you are showing interest in them by asking how they are and involving yourself in their lives.
It is a difficult problem though and you are not alone here.
People are so busy and there are very few that will make time when it's often not on their terms.
I hope you find something that helps.
SD

 

[Valentijn]

@Cindi - Your friends aren't psychic, and you need to tell them if you need help.

 

[Cindi]

Hi all

Thanks so much for your answers.You have been so helpful. Sorry for late answer. I had some technical problems to access the forum. Best wishes