Stress or father complex

[Boba]

Which role do you guys see in stress before you came up with ME?

I had 2 years of emotional stress, because I started a company with a "friend of mine". He was quickly overwhelmed and left me alone in a big project. He was the person experienced with the topic/subject we were working on. I was only there to manage the financial side of the project. Seeing him in this state really freaked me out.

He soon left me alone and I had to manage the whole project and my anger. It took a long time and was big fight. I soon came up with an autoimmune disease and cfs after covid. A lot of people would have handled it differently, without the stress, but I'm a very sensitive person who has problems with attention and focus. I tried to stay calm and push through therefore ignored the signs...

I think this was my death sentence. Made a big mistake that cost me my life. I was living a very easy and mindful life before that. Now, I have nothing left. No health, no money etc...

 

[Martin aka paused||M.E.]

Stress weakens the immune system, can lead to inflammation...... Could be your trigger

 

[nerd]

I think it contributes to the progress and accelerates it. But I also think that the disease itself, even in its mildest phases when we aren't aware of it (yet), makes us very prone to stress.

 

[Boba]

That makes sense. I‘d say I was in total health, better than ever before. Yoga, mediation, good work life Balance, very lovely relationship… I was the happiest person alive.

My father died and that made me loose my way a bit. I was somehow depressed and smoked wheat to ignore it. My father was always on the sympathetic site of his nervous system, got aggressive quickly. I was like that as well.

Knowing that I could freak out quickly helped me to structure my life. I believe, that we all have different needs as a human being. Those needs can change over time. Traumatic experiences can happen. Not having those needs meet sums up in a person.

Our fast living attention seeking society is not healthy for the vulnerable. I was very vulnerable. Always the small child who had no friends and was racially abused. I never forgot about that. It made me sensitive and attention seeking.

I wanted to be seen and loved but had no patience. When you’re so vulnerable you tend to control everything. Not being able to influence or control what’s happening around you gives you anxiety. I was over that. Found my peace in Buddhist practice.

But our society changes so fast. People are mean and stupid. You are naive and love seeking. You don’t get the love you seek from someone else just from yourself. I wasn’t able to love myself, needed other people for confirmation that I‘m okay. The classical traumatized child.

ADHD doesn’t help with that. It makes you feel even more different. I sometimes asked myself if I was authistic. I never understood the behavior of other people. It was so different. After losing my father I lost my way in life.

He was special in the Sense, that he was a lost soul. Very sensitive and naive. He lost a lot in his life due to bad friends and bad impulsive decisions. He never talked to us. He was silent, but loving. My love to him was endless.

I wanted him to be happy. I went to university and earned big money to make him proud. He was never proud, he was silent.

One day I wanted to take him and my mother to the cinema. Bought the tickets everything.He didn’t come, he didn’t want to. There was no reason not to come. So I went with my mother. It was her first time ever. I was 27, she was 44.

After his death I lost control. A friend of mine who was chaotic and very negative, but a friend, asked to me to join a small film production. I thought it was sexy. I loved film. So I quit the job I really liked (my dream job in a design studio), hoping to make my father proud again.

He once was a singer, a very good one, but never happy. I wanted to do Film, sth creative, to finally make him happy even if he wasn’t there anymore. I was driven, quickly forgot about my need of control. It was me against the world for him.

The project was a disaster. I lost all energy, was never in control, had to deal with bad working amateur people…

I was an industrial engineer, maths was my superpower. I loved numbers because they don’t lie and have no emotions. People have emotions, my authistic side haded this.

My friend left the project he was a disaster, I was alone with crazy film people. I did everything to keep control and finish it. The film got nominated for short film academy award. At the premiere of the film I contracted COVID.

I was naive, made bad and impulsive decisions like my father for my father. One thing he told me I ignored: never do business with false friends. He was so silent all the time, I just forgot this one sentence. My “friend” is healthy, he will always be a loser, but I lost. I hope god will give me another chance to be the person I’d love to be.

R.I.P. Baba

 

[Boba]

R.I.P. Boba

 

[Judee]

I read this quote the other day.

Learn to fill your own cup first. You cannot pour from an empty cup. You can only give what you have. Enni Francis quote


It sounds like your dad never learned to fill his own cup so he didn't have anything to pour into others. I'm sorry, @Boba.

 

[lenora]

Hello Boba.....Yes, Judee is probably right. May I suggest that you begin to see a therapist and work through the issues you have, especially those concerning your father. If you can't afford it, then check into sliding scale fees; you may have to wait a long time for therapy.

the past has to be dealt with before you can move ahead.

I obviously didn't know your father, but it almost sounds as if he was a silent tyrant in his treatment of your mother, for example. How does she feel about him....have you ever talked about these matters with her? You may have more of an ally than you think.

It's also likely that there may be a lot of family history that you aren't aware of....again, talk to her and ask her pointedly if that's the case. He could have been suffering from a mental illness that you aren't aware of....who knows?, but there has to be some explanation for his behavior. I wish you well. Yours, Lenora.

 

[Boba]

Hello Boba.....Yes, Judee is probably right. May I suggest that you begin to see a therapist and work through the issues you have, especially those concerning your father. If you can't afford it, then check into sliding scale fees; you may have to wait a long time for therapy.

the past has to be dealt with before you can move ahead.

I obviously didn't know your father, but it almost sounds as if he was a silent tyrant in his treatment of your mother, for example. How does she feel about him....have you ever talked about these matters with her? You may have more of an ally than you think.

It's also likely that there may be a lot of family history that you aren't aware of....again, talk to her and ask her pointedly if that's the case. He could have been suffering from a mental illness that you aren't aware of....who knows?, but there has to be some explanation for his behavior. I wish you well. Yours, Lenora.

Thanks for your message Lenora. My father most probably had ADHD, but we don’t know for sure. He never got tested. However he showed all the signs. I think he was depressed as well. Furthermore he always said that he was sick… We will know what he really had.

My Mom always said that he was just lazy. I think I inherited a lot from him unfortunately. I always tried to make a difference but got down with ADHD and depression as well. I really tried a lot but was never able to calm myself down on a long term. Something was always not right.

Now COVID gave me CFS… I never expected that because my lifestyle was healthy, I was careful.

My mother and I talk openly about it, she suffered a lot but is happy now. Or should I say was, because she had to give up her life to care for me…

I’m seeing a therapist, but CFS makes it impossible to me, to believe in moving forward… Feels like It‘s my last stop before I leave this place.

 

[YippeeKi YOW !!]

You summarized something so tragic and painful SO beautifully @Boba that I could almost touch the pain, the devastating loss, the constant questing after something unattainable, and its ultimate destruction of the life you'd carefully crafted, and loved.

Anyone who can do that once, who can create an ideal life, crafted to their particular specific and demanding needs, can quite likely do it again, only in a different way and with a different set of goals.

It's getting over the pain of it that's hard. I so wish I could wave a magic wand and 'make it so' for you, but as you noted, life's hard, people can be vicious, mean, and stupid, and in the end, we have to do all the really hard stuff ourselves and often by ourselves ....

I truly mean it when I say that I believe you can do it again. It'll be with both a different intent, a different skill set, and a much different final destination, but it will take you to the place you need to be, which is right here, on this planet, in this life.

If you can't do it solely for your own reasons, imagine how devastated your mother would be to lose you.

Dont lose hope, dont give up, don't let this beat you. I know that's easy to say, but I went thru a horrible 5-plus year period of being bedbound, vegetative and miserable, and wanting to be dead and planning ways to get there. I would never have believed back then that I'd get this far in improving my life, which is hardly ideal right now, but it's light years away from where it was.

You've lost soooo much ... everything from your financial security and solid, respected place within your chosen field, as well as your significant other, to your ability to believe in faithful friends, dependable health, and happy endings, that anything better than where you are right now with your life, mired now in ME/CFS, seems like a lie, a dream, an impossibility.

It's not. Hang in, hang on, hold tight to hope and marry all that to your on-going research efforts and trialing of potential helpers and, honest, things will change, things will get better things will turn around ....

 

[lenora]

Hello @Boba.....You're very new to the world of CFS. I think most of us feel or have felt that way, but you'll find that there will be up and down times, and will learn to busy yourself in other directions (I hope you aren't too ill for that). It's an illness that waxes and wanes....we may not even realize we're somewhat better b/c the changes can be slow.

Don't give up on yourself. I know it's hard, I've been in "that place" a number of times, so I do remember. You need professional help....and should get it. Your mother could probably benefit from it also. Ask for family therapy, as you may get that faster.

My oldest daughter (now 50) had/has first off ADHD and then ADD as she has aged. Many changes had to be made to accommodate her in our household and no, it wasn't recognized by the medical community until she was almost in her mid-teens. But I re-taught her everything from the beginning of her school day until the end of the it...each and everyday. That was part of our routine and yes, it was cumbersome for both of us but also very important.

Schools were changed to meet her needs and her final years of school were in a strict, college preparatory school (& yes, I still re-taught most subjects) and she really benefitted from it. She now has a successful business of her own, sees a therapist when required and has had a very fulfilling life. Depression is a small player in her case. She also had COVID but recovered w/o problems. We were holding our collective breath. So you can only do your best, is my point, and she was troubled with crippling anxiety at one point. Since she now likes to keep these matters to herself, I seldom even ask what she's doing about things. She's very neat (compared to her younger years), almost obssessively so, few clothes and they go out at the end of the season, keeps careful tabs on everything about her clients and probably earns more than her husband. So life does change, but it does take effort.

If depression is a problem, please talk to your therapist or neurologist. I've tried numerous vitamins, etc., but have had little change. There are newer formulas and I'm sure people on here would be glad to help you with their names. If you choose the medical route, start and stop slowly...and I wouldn't recommend Celebrex. I've just heard too many negative things about it.

As you know, everything has a side-effect, so unless you're truly allergic to the medication, and you're on a slowly climbing amount, give it about 4 wks. before a decision is made. I'm 74, so a lot older than you, and your experiences will differ. I do think you'll find relief with the doctors I mentioned, but you'll probably feel worse in the psychological sense as you begin to realize things that may not make you feel good. You'll adjust...I promise. Yours, Lenora.

 

[Boba]

For me everything comes down to Covid. I'm very angry at myself, that I got into the risk of getting ist. I was very careful all the time. Just this one evening I was not. That one breathe changed my life. I'm shocked and in plain misery every day. Life is not worth living like that. It. is not. I will go on to suffer every day. This is madness.

I was happy before, even if I had some problems here and there. Everybody has problems, they're just part of life.

I'm seeing a therapist but it doesn't help me at all. It's like teaching fish fly. My problem is my body, not my mind.

Thank you @lenora & @YippeeKi YOW !! for your kind words.

 

[YippeeKi YOW !!]

My problem is my body, not my mind.

I tend to stay away from fiddling around with other people's minds, beyond exhorting them not to give up or give in, that good times can come in the most surprizing disguises.

The therapist I went to never did anything for me, either, except lighten my wallet and savings account.

To quote myself, for which I apologize up front:

Hang in, hang on, hold tight to hope and marry all that to your on-going research efforts and trialing of potential helpers and, honest, things will change, things will get better things will turn around ....

I came around to my improvement in very circuitous ways, but all of them were based on research, reading incredibly dull and often badly written research studies, following up with googling anything that seemed questionable or not completely transparent, and then finally, after a whole lotta that, starting to try small fixes.

My husband, DB, was the one who taught me the wisdom of the 10%, which was hard for me to grasp because I wanted the 100% fix. But while 10% seems inconsiderable and hardly worth bothering with, I quickly learned that 10% improvement gave me that extra little sliver of focus and improved cognitive and that allowed me to do a little more research. And then there was the 2nd 10%. And the 3rd.

Dont give up, dont give in, don't blame outside factors or inner demons, keep plugging away on finding what works FOR YOU, and remember that what works for some in these threads often has either no effect or sometimes a paradoxical one on other members. You'll have to to find your own answers, and you'll probably have to be your own guinea pig, lab rat, whatever ...

You can do it and you can feel better, which isn't the same as fully healed, but it's a huuuuuge start, and absolutely essential to getting up to the next level ...