Help me to set goals with CFS

[Davsey27]

Hello all

I was curious how does one set goals with cfs when
you are dependent on your parents in your 30s?

I feel less grounded not being able to work and having my parents send me a couple hundred bucks every couple weeks while I stay in a rural environment where there is less noise pollution and radiation

Traveling with a girl cross country watching people's pets I feel sense that it is difficult having a relationship as women generally respect men who have some income and not dependent on parents.

I would like to be more independent and in control of my own destiny but I feel like I am living sort of aimlessly

Most of my days are spent outside in natural light
just lounging keeping cfs at 4/10 by avoiding exercise and work and I feel like I am burdening my parents

Sometimes I watch motivational videos on youtube like Tony Robbins get excited then and up crashing.

Appreciate any honest input

Thanks

 

[marlunette]

I feel like Tony Robbins is charismatic, but his audience is definitely not people with physical limitations. I have found that Stephen Covey and the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People has really helped me to adapt to being ill. A lot of self-help speakers and authors draw on the book directly or indirectly.

One of Covey's concepts that I always return to is working within my circle of influence. Covey encourages you to identify what you can affect and focus your efforts there, eventually trying to expand that circle of influence.

I kind of conflated circle of influence with energy envelope and had to admit there were tons of things that were beyond what I could handle - like getting a job or cooking food from scratch. I had to rely on my partner for pretty much everything. But I realized I could research ME/CFS occasionally and I could come up with an approach to trying treatments based on my risk tolerance and ability to access the treatments.

It helped me to accept that there were lots of things beyond my ability to influence, but I was confident that I had identified what I could do (more or less) and I was doing what I could. I also felt that I could put aside those other goals for when I had the energy to take on more.

When I was staying in a tent to try to get clear of mold and I was unemployed and eating ramen, I started getting down on myself for not eating fresh vegetables and better food. Realizing that my sphere of influence was making sure I was eating enough calories and staying safe at night helped me let go of the guilt that was sapping my energy. The boundaries for what I could do were very limited and I was acting within those boundaries, and it was enough.

Another Covey concept that helped me was being proactive, which sounds so impossible when we have ME/CFS. He encourages people to use proactive language and own their choices (e.g. I am choosing to rest because I believe that is the best way to get better).

Proactive is not the word friends and family would have associated with me, but I felt very proactive because I chose to protect my health by staying in bed all day. Identifying my choices rather than what I should be doing helped me feel better about pushing my boundaries, even when I knew I might not be able to do much. I could be okay with trying to sit up for a minute, knowing that I would be okay with lying down immediately instead of thinking "I should be able to sit for five minutes."

I am in remission now and I am not a highly effective person (ha), but those two concepts from Covey still help me daily.