Frustrated with "supportive" family encouraging me to work

[Katt]

I've mostly been poor my whole life so I'm used to working a lot. I worked part time during high school & college, then once I got a full time job I still kept doing freelance work on the weekends to make sure I could pay off my student loans ASAP. Even once I got sick I worked for a year while my health got worse and worse. Towards the end I would be in so much pain that during the last 1/2 hour of the day I would go lock myself in the bathroom and lay down on the floor and cry because my bones would ache so much.

There are some people in my family that I no longer talk to because shortly after I had to quit my job they were horribly unsupportive and told me that it didn't matter how much pain I was in, I had to go back to work because everyone has to work! What I found most insulting about it was that they knew how much I loved my job and I had put myself through hell to try to keep it. And then they were acting like I just couldn't be bothered to work.

Now I'm lucky to be living with someone who can mostly afford to cover all the bills. However, she can't afford to keep paying for my medical expenses so I've had to work part time from home. I've gotten fairly close to her family and they have been much more positive and emotionally supportive than anyone in my family. But it's really frustrating to me when they make a big deal about how "poor" they are for having to sell their boat to buy a smaller boat because they wanted to expand the kitchen in their 2nd vacation home. And recently they were saying how excited they were that I'm doing better and the first thing they went to was saying how "nice" it would be for me to be working again. They know that I had been studying for the mcat's right before the surgery I had that triggered my CFS. Therefore they thought I was going to try to go to med school. I had to explain to them that the only reason I was previously going to go to med school is because I worked for the university so they would have let me go for free! I couldn't possibly afford to go back to school now.

Plus they are just completely ignoring the fact that I appear to still have neurological issues from a long term B12 deficiency, and that their daughter had to take a really demanding job so we could afford to move which means I have to do 99% of the housework and all of the cooking. I don't mind playing housewife and still having to work part time. I wouldn't expect her family to cover any of my medical bills or anything like that, but I do think it's messed up that they frequently complain to her about how "poor" they are and then also complain that she doesn't call or visit enough when she is still seeing them once a month despite not living anywhere near them.

Her mom especially doesn't seem to get the fact that she is an adult now with a job and can't be free every second. Her mom has never had to work in her life so I don't think she understands that sometimes people get really busy at work and then when they get home they just want to relax. I feel like my girlfriend really needs to explain the concept of work and money to her parents but I have no idea where to start. She's so afraid of ever upsetting her mom that she just jumps through hoops and makes herself miserable instead. I feel like I shouldn't get involved in her family stuff but I also hate seeing how stressed all of this makes her and then it makes me stressed too.

 

[SickOfSickness]

That is so frustrating. People can be so unaware of their privilege and of what others are going through.

So many especially don't get health issues when it comes to anyone who is younger. And with some types of medical issues, some will assume the person just needs to try harder or be more motivated.

And I feel many of those people aren't really able to grasp it even if they get explanations.

I hope things will improve for you.

 

[L'engle]

Healthy people usually seemed to be most concerned with sick people 'getting back to work', when the real danger is mild and moderate patients falling into severe illness. It's all so beyond what healthy people experience and many of them can't expand their minds beyond a certain view.

Difficult situation.

 

[hapl808]

It's all so beyond what healthy people experience and many of them can't expand their minds beyond a certain view.

One thing I try to tell myself to avoid wishing death and destruction on everyone who doesn't understand - is that I know that I would never understand if I weren't experiencing it. If I were 'tired' and pushing through my job and fighting through colds and injuries - I would totally think, "Well, if I can do it - why can't they? We're all tired." I did think that way when I had some chronic health issues in my early 20's. Of course, I had zero concept of what was to come later. My early 20's with 'health issues' now sounds like absolutely perfect health to me. It's laughable - allergies and some GI issues and some fatigue and slow recovery from exercise. What I wouldn't give for that life.

 

[L'engle]

I do know some people who are quite empathetic about it, so it isn't beyond all human capacity. Just most people don't have a high enough empathy factor to get around the 'what's happening to me should be the same for everybody' rut.

 

[Katt]

That is so frustrating. People can be so unaware of their privilege and of what others are going through.

So many especially don't get health issues when it comes to anyone who is younger. And with some types of medical issues, some will assume the person just needs to try harder or be more motivated.

And I feel many of those people aren't really able to grasp it even if they get explanations.

I hope things will improve for you.

Thanks! And I do think that you are correct, some people really struggle to understand anything outside of their own experiences.

 

[Katt]

One thing I try to tell myself to avoid wishing death and destruction on everyone who doesn't understand - is that I know that I would never understand if I weren't experiencing it. If I were 'tired' and pushing through my job and fighting through colds and injuries - I would totally think, "Well, if I can do it - why can't they? We're all tired." I did think that way when I had some chronic health issues in my early 20's. Of course, I had zero concept of what was to come later. My early 20's with 'health issues' now sounds like absolutely perfect health to me. It's laughable - allergies and some GI issues and some fatigue and slow recovery from exercise. What I wouldn't give for that life.

I was a bit like that when I was younger too. But some people just seem much more oblivious than others. Like my gf has explained over and over again my physical limitations and her family will invite me to go do things that they know I can't do. I think in their minds that's the polite thing to do, but really the polite thing to do is to be willing to do inclusive activities without complaining about them.

To be fair they really do seem like they are trying, it's just so unusual for them to be around a disabled person and to have to think about things like that. It also seems like having to think about the fact that not everyone has their lifestyle is genuinely disturbing to them. Everyone they usually hang out with has more money than them apparently which is why they keep thinking they are poor because they only have 3 homes. I'm happy to have a hallway decent apartment that I rent, I can't imagine being unhappy because I own "just" 3 homes!

 

[hapl808]

Everyone they usually hang out with has more money than them apparently which is why they keep thinking they are poor because they only have 3 homes. I'm happy to have a hallway decent apartment that I rent, I can't imagine being unhappy because I own "just" 3 homes!

People have some very distorted views of money. I feel lucky that I have enough to survive at the moment and likely will be okay for at least a couple more years. I hope I'm gone before I run out of funds, as sadly I have no trouble imagining homelessness and a very unpleasant demise.

I also find it weird not that people don't understand, but that they refuse to even pretend to understand. Like if someone told me they couldn't pick up any items that had a 'V' in their name, I might not understand it, but I could remember it. Yet no matter how many times I tell people I can't do videochats because they knock me out, people will constantly suggest, 'Well, what if you don't turn your camera on, but…' no matter how many times I've explained it doesn't work and I'll crash. Then they're surprised when I crash.

 

[lenora]

Hello @Katt.....you bring up a few different topics, and perhaps you aren't aware of them.

If you and your girlfriend are happy, please have an honest, open discussion with her. She's the one person you need to "impress" (if we want to use that word.) Not her family...they're in their own world, and personally I think that's exactly what we inhabit, worlds. They're caught up in something that in the end doesn't matter much, although they'll have more money than you. On the other hand, you have a world of knowledge that they'll never have until one of them becomes horribly ill. And yes, chronic conditions where you look healthy, are sometimes harder to convey than a fatal one where you don't look healthy, are perhaps going to die and will lead to a lot of misunderstandings.

Have you provided them with small snippets of easy to read articles about the illness? Books, if they're truly interested and life stories from others? If you have, then I would say that the onus is on them to read the information, seek out more on their own and accept their child's partner openly. I would and my daughters are now grown with grown children of their own.

Yes, I've been fortunate, but if you knew all of my early years, you'd say that this girl was doomed for failure. Never underestimate the human spirit. And forgive yourself for not living up to your own standards. You tried very hard....grieve and move into something that will give you a feeling of worthiness. It may have nothing to do with making money. Only you know that. This, I have found, is often one of the hardest parts of having chronic illness(es). Accepting the changes in life and learning to accept and love ourselves.

Another thing I've found, is that we often have to check in with the caretakers in our lives and readily forgive them for also having a "bad day" and perhaps saying something that is hurtful, meant at the time but not all of the time. Encourage openness and give them the freedom to do things without you. (Presumably, because you can't. You may find they don't use all of the time at all.) Good luck to you and your girlfriend. Yours, Lenora

 

[Katt]

People have some very distorted views of money. I feel lucky that I have enough to survive at the moment and likely will be okay for at least a couple more years. I hope I'm gone before I run out of funds, as sadly I have no trouble imagining homelessness and a very unpleasant demise.

From what I have seen it seems like some people want to have distorted views of money because it's the only way they can feel ok with themselves. A lot of the wealthy people I have meet seem to have this idea that the only people who are poor are criminals who just don't want to have a real job or people who have done something stupid and deserve to be poor. If they accepted the reality that the majority of people are not born with a huge safety net then they would also have to see themselves as privileged. And if they admit to themselves that they are privileged and live in a very unbalanced society they would have to admit to being part of the problem.