- Messages
- 64
I clearly remember thinking that if this "feeling" or whatever it is will last more than few weeks, I would have to kill myself. This was in the first week of last June and it haven't subside a bit since then. I really don't know how to cope with this anymore and I feel I'm losing it.
I don't think I have classic CSF/ME as my body functions ok most of the time. I'm weaker and my muscles shake as soon as I try to do some anaerobic stuff, but I can walk several kilometers and don't get PEM.
But my brain is really fucked. In span of three days I went from having successful carrer as a software developer to not really being able to use a computer, think straight, read non trivial text with any real comprehension, focus on one thing at a time, etc. I'm light sensitive, dizzy and confused all the time, my perception of time is different, my epizodic memory is really bad, I feel this horrible sensation like my brain is beeing attacked/is on fire and I'm having problems process my field of vision whenever I try to think a bit.
Before this, computer and reading took most of my time. I was programming at work, then some more at home, playing games and reading all kinds of literature (from technical to history). I'm a nerd in nature I guess. I was also playing soccer regulary and riding my motorcycle on the weekends.
I can't really do any of this anymore. Technicaly I can do all of it, but I feel like dying doing it. My brain keeps shutting down, my vision is fucked (I can't even describe this part), I'm confused, lightheaded, disoriented and I just wanna lie down and rest.
I try to meditate and my mind is constantly going, sometimes it seems I have multiple tought processes at one time with a stuck song under all of that. Seems like I "think" all the time but can't really think/concentrate on anything. I hate it.
I try to lie down and rest and my head feels like it's shaking, I'll get to this state between sleep and wakefulness with dreams that feels like halucinations. It's scary.
I can't handle it. I have borderline personality disorded, which I was always able to manage without much hussle, but now with this shit going on I'm going crazy. I can't have a normal conversation with anybody because of my symptoms and because I keep thinking how healthy they are and I just envy them when they're talking about work and normal stuff while I'm in hell. I keep thinkg in extreme, in lines "I will never get better". I pitty myself and keep thinking and ruminating about the past how everything was so easy and nice. I'm bitter and sad, I cry everyday.. I'm alienating my girlfriend because of this, I sense she had enough and I can't blame her. I'm lost cause, shell of a person, not really the same person she fell in love with.
This is 24/7 and it's not responding to any medications (mostly psychiatric, because it's depression according to health care here) or supplements. I'm tired of researching new supplements, everyhing I try just doesn't do anything. Doctors keep looking at me like I'm hypochondriac and dismiss everything I suggest.
I can't work, can't do anything really, despite being "physicaly healthy". I can't have peace for 5 minutes. I don't know how to cope with this. I really don't see the point in living when my brain is not working and I feel disoriented/confused/scared and as my brain is under attack all the time.
I really want to live, but don't want to exist like this at the same time. I'm suicidal. I guess I don't really expect any help, because nothing can help this, but I needed to vent.
Thank you for reading.
I don't think I have classic CSF/ME as my body functions ok most of the time. I'm weaker and my muscles shake as soon as I try to do some anaerobic stuff, but I can walk several kilometers and don't get PEM.
But my brain is really fucked. In span of three days I went from having successful carrer as a software developer to not really being able to use a computer, think straight, read non trivial text with any real comprehension, focus on one thing at a time, etc. I'm light sensitive, dizzy and confused all the time, my perception of time is different, my epizodic memory is really bad, I feel this horrible sensation like my brain is beeing attacked/is on fire and I'm having problems process my field of vision whenever I try to think a bit.
Before this, computer and reading took most of my time. I was programming at work, then some more at home, playing games and reading all kinds of literature (from technical to history). I'm a nerd in nature I guess. I was also playing soccer regulary and riding my motorcycle on the weekends.
I can't really do any of this anymore. Technicaly I can do all of it, but I feel like dying doing it. My brain keeps shutting down, my vision is fucked (I can't even describe this part), I'm confused, lightheaded, disoriented and I just wanna lie down and rest.
I try to meditate and my mind is constantly going, sometimes it seems I have multiple tought processes at one time with a stuck song under all of that. Seems like I "think" all the time but can't really think/concentrate on anything. I hate it.
I try to lie down and rest and my head feels like it's shaking, I'll get to this state between sleep and wakefulness with dreams that feels like halucinations. It's scary.
I can't handle it. I have borderline personality disorded, which I was always able to manage without much hussle, but now with this shit going on I'm going crazy. I can't have a normal conversation with anybody because of my symptoms and because I keep thinking how healthy they are and I just envy them when they're talking about work and normal stuff while I'm in hell. I keep thinkg in extreme, in lines "I will never get better". I pitty myself and keep thinking and ruminating about the past how everything was so easy and nice. I'm bitter and sad, I cry everyday.. I'm alienating my girlfriend because of this, I sense she had enough and I can't blame her. I'm lost cause, shell of a person, not really the same person she fell in love with.
This is 24/7 and it's not responding to any medications (mostly psychiatric, because it's depression according to health care here) or supplements. I'm tired of researching new supplements, everyhing I try just doesn't do anything. Doctors keep looking at me like I'm hypochondriac and dismiss everything I suggest.
I can't work, can't do anything really, despite being "physicaly healthy". I can't have peace for 5 minutes. I don't know how to cope with this. I really don't see the point in living when my brain is not working and I feel disoriented/confused/scared and as my brain is under attack all the time.
I really want to live, but don't want to exist like this at the same time. I'm suicidal. I guess I don't really expect any help, because nothing can help this, but I needed to vent.
Thank you for reading.