Worried i will spoil Christmas

[Jemima37]

I was wondering if anyone could give me a bit of advice on how to cope with my huge overwhelm about Christmas Day.

I suffer from anxiety, but this year has been a particularly difficult year with my panic and anxiety and it has contributed towards the CFS getting a bit more advanced. I spend most of my time upstairs in my bedroom or in my kids rooms seeing them on my better fatigue days. I don't really sit down stairs currently due to how fatigued I am.

I've been having really bad anxiety about Christmas for weeks now. Obviously I'm not going to be able to sit downstairs and watch them open their presents around the tree or sit at the table for Christmas Dinner. My children all teenagers and my husband said we are all more than happy to open our presents upstairs in our bedroom and we can even have dinner together upstairs if need be. I don't really have a huge appetite currently so the thought of a huge dinner in the early afternoon kind of frightens me incase I feel too nauseous or anxious to sit together and have a big meal. Ridiclious hey. Worried I'm sounding a right freak here.

More than anything I'm just frightened that I'm going to let my children down at Christmas because it's not our normal tradition. We normally sit by the tree all day and have a meal at the dining table together and this will be the first year that we've not done that so I'm really struggling with this guilt and I'm keep crying worrying about Christmas Day. It's actually made my anxiety and fatigue a lot worse the last few weeks to the point where I'm nearly having panic attacks again which had got better. I'm putting myself under immense pressure because it's been hard on my children anyway having their mum poorly with CFS this year, I'm just terrified I'm going to ruin the best day of the year for them. I want to give them as normal a day as possible but I can't. I'm scared I'm going to spoil it for them

I'm frightened that I won't be able to sit with them for dinner if it's a bit much for me because when I get anxious I get really nauseous and I don't normally hace a meal that large till the evening so I'm just frightened that it's all going overwhelm me and I'm not going to be able to sit with them for dinner and they're going to have to sit downstairs with just the dad. Even the thought of doing that to them keeps making me cry and feel anxious. I just hate cfs it's destroyed my life and the guilt I feel everyday is bad, I'm so overwhelmed about Christmas Day it's making me feel awful.

If anyone can offer me some words of comfort and reassure me I'd really appreciate it. My husband and children are amazing and they've been so supportive this year but I'm just so fighting I'm going to upset them on Christmas day if I need to rest or leave it all gets a bit much for me. I'm crying just typing this so if there are any mistakes I apologise, I'm just so upset right now I'm very tired.

Jem

 

[Mel9]

I was wondering if anyone could give me a bit of advice on how to cope with my huge overwhelm about Christmas Day.

I suffer from anxiety, but this year has been a particularly difficult year with my panic and anxiety and it has contributed towards the CFS getting a bit more advanced. I spend most of my time upstairs in my bedroom or in my kids rooms seeing them on my better fatigue days. I don't really sit down stairs currently due to how fatigued I am.

I've been having really bad anxiety about Christmas for weeks now. Obviously I'm not going to be able to sit downstairs and watch them open their presents around the tree or sit at the table for Christmas Dinner. My children all teenagers and my husband said we are all more than happy to open our presents upstairs in our bedroom and we can even have dinner together upstairs if need be. I don't really have a huge appetite currently so the thought of a huge dinner in the early afternoon kind of frightens me incase I feel too nauseous or anxious to sit together and have a big meal. Ridiclious hey. Worried I'm sounding a right freak here.

More than anything I'm just frightened that I'm going to let my children down at Christmas because it's not our normal tradition. We normally sit by the tree all day and have a meal at the dining table together and this will be the first year that we've not done that so I'm really struggling with this guilt and I'm keep crying worrying about Christmas Day. It's actually made my anxiety and fatigue a lot worse the last few weeks to the point where I'm nearly having panic attacks again which had got better. I'm putting myself under immense pressure because it's been hard on my children anyway having their mum poorly with CFS this year, I'm just terrified I'm going to ruin the best day of the year for them. I want to give them as normal a day as possible but I can't. I'm scared I'm going to spoil it for them

I'm frightened that I won't be able to sit with them for dinner if it's a bit much for me because when I get anxious I get really nauseous and I don't normally hace a meal that large till the evening so I'm just frightened that it's all going overwhelm me and I'm not going to be able to sit with them for dinner and they're going to have to sit downstairs with just the dad. Even the thought of doing that to them keeps making me cry and feel anxious. I just hate cfs it's destroyed my life and the guilt I feel everyday is bad, I'm so overwhelmed about Christmas Day it's making me feel awful.

If anyone can offer me some words of comfort and reassure me I'd really appreciate it. My husband and children are amazing and they've been so supportive this year but I'm just so fighting I'm going to upset them on Christmas day if I need to rest or leave it all gets a bit much for me. I'm crying just typing this so if there are any mistakes I apologise, I'm just so upset right now I'm very tired.

Jem

So hard for you. I’m very sorry you are so anxious about this but fully understand.

If I were you, I would get the family up in my bedroom so I could sit up in bed. Presents can start downstairs and be easily carted upstairs to be opened.

Alternatively, a day bed downstairs?

 

[jesse's mom]

This is my 9th christmas to be officially "sick" but only the 2nd Christmas to be bedridden. Even when I was sick, but functioning some Christmas was an anxiety ridden time for me! I could not do all the things my family does as outings and trips back home to see the extended family. The last time I did all that was 2009... As I became accustomed to not attending the away from home stuff. Then the part that you are hurting about, the morning around the tree, and the family meal became more important! Last year, I remember taking a shower and not being able to wash my hair on the 23rd. I was so upset that I would not look nice in the photos! I do not wrap the gifts anymore, they look pretty bad. oh well. I don't cook the meal, my entire family have become good cooks! Many of us let do of so much!

I do not have to go up and down stairs to participate. I just walk from the addition to the old house, in the back. I got up on Christmas morning and sat on the couch for opening gifts. By now my family is accustomed to not talking all at once loudly, over people; if they do, I can't help it I will put my hands over my ears and start crying!
Last year, I watched a quiet classic Christmas movie with my youngest daughter while my husband went to see his parents, my son went to see my mom, (He is an adult and I think that is where he went).

I don't remember the meal at all so I must have eaten in my room. I was not tolerating much more than turkey and rice, so I guess like most days someone brought me a plate in bed. I was way sicker last year! I will probably do the same thing this year, it seems every time I push myself and get really upset the PEM lasts longer, and I still get bronchitis very easily from a cold my adult children will not even stay home from work for. So I am very careful with myself.


A few more things I do that help are: Take my shower a day ahead and have my clothes laid out.
Eat well and within my known tolerated foods for the few days before an event. I do any makeup on my bed tray and go to the bathroom right before I go in the den, get someone to bring my pillow and blanket. Breathe and relax an hour before I have to do anything hard. Ask for help, once I sit down in the den, I don't get back up. I ask for more water, or whatever. When the den event is over I ask for help walking back to my room. I will cut my time in the main house short, and encourage them to keep talking! I will have the traditional glass of mimosa on christmas morning, but many with CFS are intolerant of alcohol; this helps with my sound sensitivity. There has been a no smoking rule in my house for 9 years, NO not even standing by the open door! (My adult son smokes)

I am so sorry you are upset and I can understand wanting and longing for the health and wellbeing to enjoy the joys of Christmas. Many ME/CFS sufferers are going through the exact same thing, so I am glad you shared this with us! I will be online some on Christmas Day and you will not be alone, even if you cannot get downstairs at all. I talked to my kids the Christmas of 2011, and they don't put pressure on my about my limitations, perhaps they have decided to share the real spirit of the season with me!

I do agree with @Mel9 that a daybed in the den if you have room sounds nice! I am thinking of renting a rollaway bed if we run out of sleeping space this year.

 

[Rebeccare]

I have a disclaimer that this advice is coming from someone who doesn't celebrate Christmas. That being said...

First, I've noticed that there's this weird pressure to have Christmas be the perfect day. You see it in literature, in all of the Hallmark movies, even in all of the toy and jewelry commercials on TV. Why does it have to be the perfect (and perfectly instagram-able) day? It's very unrealistic. Life isn't perfect, and Christmas doesn't have to be perfect either--the kids may have tantrums, the parents may be sick, the turkey might not have defrosted enough, there might not be enough money, the weather may suck. But that's okay. Christmas can be good enough. Since I've been sick, I've been trying to live my life by that philosophy: it's fine if things are just good enough.

Related to that thought, I've seen people worry that anything less than perfect will 'ruin' Christmas. We don't let a few imperfections ruin a regular day, so why do we let Christmas make us feel that way? And in the worst-case scenario, if Christmas is 'ruined' (and there ways it can be ruined: family arguments, burning down the house while making dinner, etc.) there's good news: Christmas isn't a once-in-a lifetime opportunity. It happens every single year! So even if there is one unpleasant Christmas, most people have a balance of more good Christmases in their lives than bad ones.

Second, you may have to celebrate Christmas a bit differently than in the past. But celebrating Christmas differently doesn't have to make it less of a Christmas. Different doesn't have to be bad--families create new traditions all of the time. Maybe you can decorate a small tree (or even a small houseplant) in your room, have the whole family cuddle in bed with you, and open their presents there. And then maybe after that you can all stay in bed and watch bad Christmas movies or other TV marathons together. That sounds like a heck of a lot of fun! Sure, it's different, and it reminds you of how different you are since you've been ill. But different isn't worse or less.

If your husband says that he and the kids will be happy to do things differently, please choose to believe him!! He loves you and wants you to have a good Christmas, and he's willing to do what it takes to make that happen (and he sounds like an amazing guy--I'm sure that many of the people on this site hope that he has single relatives that you might set them up with).

The feelings of guilt and anxiety you're feeling about Christmas are so natural and understandable. Of course you can (and should) feel sad that you can't celebrate Christmas the way you used to when your kids were younger, and you need some time just have those feelings. But then you can try to let that feeling go and strategize about how to make this Christmas a good one even though you're sick. Think about the Christmases in your childhood that might not have been perfect, but you still remember with fondness. Try to think of new and fun things that your family can do this Christmas like opening presents in bed and snuggling together. And try to remember that good enough can really be good enough! (and I emphasize the word try, because trying is all we can do)

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm telling you how to feel, or that you should just get over your feelings in a snap (it can come across that way online because typing can't convey a caring tone of voice or the hug I wish I could give you right now). I know it's not that easy. But hopefully all of the reassurance and love that you're getting here will help lessen your isolation and guilt just a tiny bit. And some of the suggestions that people have will be helpful as you try to figure out new ways to make the holiday joyful for yourself and your family. And if this Christmas does turn out to be a hard one in the end, there will be a chance for a better Christmas next year.

And I also second everybody's suggestions for a daybed! I purchased a nice cozy one for the living room in addition to our couch (although the daybed we purchased looks a lot like a couch--most of our visitors are shocked when I tell them it's actually a bed), and it makes a huge difference. It's so nice to just be able to lie down and be around people at the same time!

 

[Jemima37]

This is my 9th christmas to be officially "sick" but only the 2nd Christmas to be bedridden. Even when I was sick, but functioning some Christmas was an anxiety ridden time for me! I could not do all the things my family does as outings and trips back home to see the extended family. The last time I did all that was 2009... As I became accustomed to not attending the away from home stuff. Then the part that you are hurting about, the morning around the tree, and the family meal became more important! Last year, I remember taking a shower and not being able to wash my hair on the 23rd. I was so upset that I would not look nice in the photos! I do not wrap the gifts anymore, they look pretty bad. oh well. I don't cook the meal, my entire family have become good cooks! Many of us let do of so much!

I do not have to go up and down stairs to participate. I just walk from the addition to the old house, in the back. I got up on Christmas morning and sat on the couch for opening gifts. By now my family is accustomed to not talking all at once loudly, over people; if they do, I can't help it I will put my hands over my ears and start crying!
Last year, I watched a quiet classic Christmas movie with my youngest daughter while my husband went to see his parents, my son went to see my mom, (He is an adult and I think that is where he went).

I don't remember the meal at all so I must have eaten in my room. I was not tolerating much more than turkey and rice, so I guess like most days someone brought me a plate in bed. I was way sicker last year! I will probably do the same thing this year, it seems every time I push myself and get really upset the PEM lasts longer, and I still get bronchitis very easily from a cold my adult children will not even stay home from work for. So I am very careful with myself.


A few more things I do that help are: Take my shower a day ahead and have my clothes laid out.
Eat well and within my known tolerated foods for the few days before an event. I do any makeup on my bed tray and go to the bathroom right before I go in the den, get someone to bring my pillow and blanket. Breathe and relax an hour before I have to do anything hard. Ask for help, once I sit down in the den, I don't get back up. I ask for more water, or whatever. When the den event is over I ask for help walking back to my room. I will cut my time in the main house short, and encourage them to keep talking! I will have the traditional glass of mimosa on christmas morning, but many with CFS are intolerant of alcohol; this helps with my sound sensitivity. There has been a no smoking rule in my house for 9 years, NO not even standing by the open door! (My adult son smokes)

I am so sorry you are upset and I can understand wanting and longing for the health and wellbeing to enjoy the joys of Christmas. Many ME/CFS sufferers are going through the exact same thing, so I am glad you shared this with us! I will be online some on Christmas Day and you will not be alone, even if you cannot get downstairs at all. I talked to my kids the Christmas of 2011, and they don't put pressure on my about my limitations, perhaps they have decided to share the real spirit of the season with me!

I do agree with @Mel9 that a daybed in the den if you have room sounds nice! I am thinking of renting a rollaway bed if we run out of sleeping space this year.

Thank you

You're so kind replying and telling me about your experiences. It helps.

It sounds like you have a very loving family who respect your limitations and you still enjoy the true meaning of Christmas. Family.

Thank you for being so kind to me.

Merry Christmas to you.

Ju xoxo

 

[Jemima37]

I have a disclaimer that this advice is coming from someone who doesn't celebrate Christmas. That being said...

First, I've noticed that there's this weird pressure to have Christmas be the perfect day. You see it in literature, in all of the Hallmark movies, even in all of the toy and jewelry commercials on TV. Why does it have to be the perfect (and perfectly instagram-able) day? It's very unrealistic. Life isn't perfect, and Christmas doesn't have to be perfect either--the kids may have tantrums, the parents may be sick, the turkey might not have defrosted enough, there might not be enough money, the weather may suck. But that's okay. Christmas can be good enough. Since I've been sick, I've been trying to live my life by that philosophy: it's fine if things are just good enough.

Related to that thought, I've seen people worry that anything less than perfect will 'ruin' Christmas. We don't let a few imperfections ruin a regular day, so why do we let Christmas make us feel that way? And in the worst-case scenario, if Christmas is 'ruined' (and there ways it can be ruined: family arguments, burning down the house while making dinner, etc.) there's good news: Christmas isn't a once-in-a lifetime opportunity. It happens every single year! So even if there is one unpleasant Christmas, most people have a balance of more good Christmases in their lives than bad ones.

Second, you may have to celebrate Christmas a bit differently than in the past. But celebrating Christmas differently doesn't have to make it less of a Christmas. Different doesn't have to be bad--families create new traditions all of the time. Maybe you can decorate a small tree (or even a small houseplant) in your room, have the whole family cuddle in bed with you, and open their presents there. And then maybe after that you can all stay in bed and watch bad Christmas movies or other TV marathons together. That sounds like a heck of a lot of fun! Sure, it's different, and it reminds you of how different you are since you've been ill. But different isn't worse or less.

If your husband says that he and the kids will be happy to do things differently, please choose to believe him!! He loves you and wants you to have a good Christmas, and he's willing to do what it takes to make that happen (and he sounds like an amazing guy--I'm sure that many of the people on this site hope that he has single relatives that you might set them up with).

The feelings of guilt and anxiety you're feeling about Christmas are so natural and understandable. Of course you can (and should) feel sad that you can't celebrate Christmas the way you used to when your kids were younger, and you need some time just have those feelings. But then you can try to let that feeling go and strategize about how to make this Christmas a good one even though you're sick. Think about the Christmases in your childhood that might not have been perfect, but you still remember with fondness. Try to think of new and fun things that your family can do this Christmas like opening presents in bed and snuggling together. And try to remember that good enough can really be good enough! (and I emphasize the word try, because trying is all we can do)

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm telling you how to feel, or that you should just get over your feelings in a snap (it can come across that way online because typing can't convey a caring tone of voice or the hug I wish I could give you right now). I know it's not that easy. But hopefully all of the reassurance and love that you're getting here will help lessen your isolation and guilt just a tiny bit. And some of the suggestions that people have will be helpful as you try to figure out new ways to make the holiday joyful for yourself and your family. And if this Christmas does turn out to be a hard one in the end, there will be a chance for a better Christmas next year.

And I also second everybody's suggestions for a daybed! I purchased a nice cozy one for the living room in addition to our couch (although the daybed we purchased looks a lot like a couch--most of our visitors are shocked when I tell them it's actually a bed), and it makes a huge difference. It's so nice to just be able to lie down and be around people at the same time!

Thank you.

Your words are so comforting and reassured me a lot that I'm not a bad mum or wife. If I have anxiety it's ok and its ok if my cfs is bad. I'm just afraid of having bad panic on the day really if I'm putting myself under this much pressure as it's raising my anxiety. I do this guilt I'm unwell, guilt I have an anxiety disorder too, fear it makes me a bad mum and its hard on my children.

My husband is amazing, we've been married 18 years almost, together 20. He's my rock. I'd be truly lost without him. He works full time, cooks and does house work, takes care of our kids... He's truly amazing. Our children are 16, 14 and 13 and also equally amazing and supportive. Yes it's been hard on them adapting but they hug me daily and tell me I'm strong and still their amazing mum. It's love that matters and I'm trying to remind myself even if I'm anxious Christmas day they still love me and will be fine if I need a bit of time alone for it to calm.

Christmas is about family and I just hope I can spend that time with them. When my anxiety has even bad at points this year I admit I've isolated myself in my room bevause as a mum I didn't want them to see me like that but by doing that I've caused more anxiety for myself and guilt so I try to not do that anymore as the anxiety has improved. It's so hard as a mum. You don't want them to see you struggling with ill health or anxiety, but isolating yourself causes a distance between you and them which isn't good and i regret doing that but recently I've not done that and I hope with this anxiety returning I don't go back into that habit and judt accept the anxiety and cuddle my children, instead of hiding away upset.

Sorry for then ramble. I appreciate your kind words. It means so much to me.

Ju xoxo

 

[jesse's mom]

It sounds like you have a very loving family who respect your limitations and you still enjoy the true meaning of Christmas. Family.

My kids really do better than my husband does, he is still going through fazes and different levels of acceptance about my illness.

When he comes across an old article when they were still saying we were "crazy, lazy" he will fall back in his acceptance. He still believes in GET!

Please don't think it is all unicorns and rainbows for us, He struggles with bipolar, and taking care of me and he has four kids from previous marriages.

But yes, my kids are amazing. I talk to them about what is really going on with me and I think it really helps them. I have two stepdaughters out of 3 that are amazing with me also! The stepsons well, they have their own stuff with mental illness so there is that!

 

[MTpockets]

I understand how you are feeling. I know about the Mom guilt that comes from not being able to do what we used to do. But please understand this, Your children are glad to have you there, no matter how they have to adjust. Like my own children have said, we would rather have a mom who has to stay in bed than no mom at all. It is your presence that matters, not the things you can or can't do. They are comforted knowing you are there in the next room. They need your love, the quiet conversations, the smiles, the advice. Perfectly trimmed trees, beautifully wrapped gifts, delicious meals, those are for our own vanity, not for our children. All our children need is us, in whatever form we happen to be available. Relax and know that you are enough. Just you, not the things you do. Merry Christmas!

 

[Jemima37]

I understand how you are feeling. I know about the Mom guilt that comes from not being able to do what we used to do. But please understand this, Your children are glad to have you there, no matter how they have to adjust. Like my own children have said, we would rather have a mom who has to stay in bed than no mom at all. It is your presence that matters, not the things you can or can't do. They are comforted knowing you are there in the next room. They need your love, the quiet conversations, the smiles, the advice. Perfectly trimmed trees, beautifully wrapped gifts, delicious meals, those are for our own vanity, not for our children. All our children need is us, in whatever form we happen to be available. Relax and know that you are enough. Just you, not the things you do. Merry Christmas!

Thank you. Your reply made me cry, it comforted me so very much. Thank you so much.

 

[Wolfcub]

Oh @Jemima37 ....a big hug to you.

Christmas often causes problems. It's a lovely festival, but it is very hard work for some.

Is there any possible compromise? Such as having dinner at 4pm instead of midday/whatever? That could be one slightly helpful thing for you?

Christmas does revolve a lot around traditions. But no-one dies if they are shifted slightly sideways. People aren't sure at first, may not like the idea of having an apple and yogurt for Christmas lunch and saving their appetite for 4pm....
But for you it might make a huge difference.

A Christmas picnic in your room sounds like a wonderful family gathering. Yes it's "different" for them, but with some fairy lights up and maybe a few candles lit and some low music, it could be great, and a whole new thing. They might think it's nuts, but fun!

And you don't have to eat a huge dinner like you always used to do in years past. Don't even think about it. Eat small amounts of whatever takes your fancy and only that! And when you need to rest, let them know gently. They will then go and party downstairs and you can nap.

Same with the present-opening. Maybe they can bring stuff upstairs?

You won't upset them. Yes you'll be breaking with tradition but that's all. Love is still there. They know how unwell you are.
Put a little mistletoe over your bed to make sure you get a kiss!
Blessings to you all for Christmas.

 

[taniaaust1]

Hi there . I don't know if I'm correct but much of your panic seems to be about the "not knowing" of what is going to happen Christmas day. I'm wondering if you can plan things more so you have more of an idea of what will go on.

You could plan the Xmas dinner a bit later or have earlier a bit earlier or go without breakfast so you hungrier if not missing a meal does not make you feel sick.

Just like we pace ourselves, you could choose to plan to pace your christmas out more eg you could plan to do presents in the morning in your bedroom and then have a xmas dinner at night (and rest in between or watch a xmas movie in between with whatever members of your family want to join you in the bedroom).

Actually, it does not even matter if you eat or not.. just being present while your family eat if they are fine with this is fine. Your post came across that you feel like you have to do this when in fact you do not need to do this at all. The family will probably not worry at all that your appetite is small, Christmas is just about enjoying the presence of family and as long as you can do that at some point Christmas day, it would mean that day is a success.

Think about lowering your expectations of what Christmas should be like.

Christmas does not have to be the same as in the past, you can still have special moments with the family even if briefer ones and different. Throw away the thoughts of the old Christmas traditions and plan something you think you may be able to cope with.. keep it simple.

My children all teenagers and my husband said we are all more than happy to open our presents upstairs in our bedroom and we can even have dinner together upstairs if need be

Plan that dinner upstairs now, don't be dwelling on possibly trying to push yourself be downstairs which will just add to the anxiety. It's okay to be having xmas dinner with family in your room and okay for you to be just picking at your food and okay to be planning ahead to have it there.

Can someone help prepare and put some candles/ tinsel and a miniature xmas tree in your room or decorate your room it in some way to help give it a more festive feel for you for the occassion? Maybe your youngest daughter would love to help you decorate your room, at that age I loved decorating things.

Maybe a couple of small picnic tables, covered with a xmas tablecloth and a candle could be set up in your bedroom to be ready to make a special xmas dinner moment there. Even if you were still eating in bed, you still would be sharing the family moment together and that is what makes Christmas special

One Christmas I was bedridden for most of that day, I was too ME/CFS ill to share in the present opening, so I just focused on only sharing the Christmas lunch experience with the family and we were all fine with that. I just did that and then went straight back to bed and sleep. I do not look back at it as being a very bad day.

Anyway, my message to you is plan ahead more and plan something very simple which you are more likely able to cope with, which will give you less anxiety thinking about.. even if it is just planning on watching your family eat their xmas dinner from your bed. Rather than having all these.. "I dont know what will happen scary thoughts" making you sicker.

Best wishes to you for your Xmas day

 

[MTpockets]

Thank you. Your reply made me cry, it comforted me so very much. Thank you so much.

I'm glad it helped. Hang in there.

 

[Jemima37]

Hi there . I don't know if I'm correct but much of your panic seems to be about the "not knowing" of what is going to happen Christmas day. I'm wondering if you can plan things more so you have more of an idea of what will go on.

You could plan the Xmas dinner a bit later or have earlier a bit earlier or go without breakfast so you hungrier if not missing a meal does not make you feel sick.

Just like we pace ourselves, you could choose to plan to pace your christmas out more eg you could plan to do presents in the morning in your bedroom and then have a xmas dinner at night (and rest in between or watch a xmas movie in between with whatever members of your family want to join you in the bedroom).

Actually, it does not even matter if you eat or not.. just being present while your family eat if they are fine with this is fine. Your post came across that you feel like you have to do this when in fact you do not need to do this at all. The family will probably not worry at all that your appetite is small, Christmas is just about enjoying the presence of family and as long as you can do that at some point Christmas day, it would mean that day is a success.

Think about lowering your expectations of what Christmas should be like.

Christmas does not have to be the same as in the past, you can still have special moments with the family even if briefer ones and different. Throw away the thoughts of the old Christmas traditions and plan something you think you may be able to cope with.. keep it simple.



Plan that dinner upstairs now, don't be dwelling on possibly trying to push yourself be downstairs which will just add to the anxiety. It's okay to be having xmas dinner with family in your room and okay for you to be just picking at your food and okay to be planning ahead to have it there.

Can someone help prepare and put some candles/ tinsel and a miniature xmas tree in your room or decorate your room it in some way to help give it a more festive feel for you for the occassion? Maybe your youngest daughter would love to help you decorate your room, at that age I loved decorating things.

Maybe a couple of small picnic tables, covered with a xmas tablecloth and a candle could be set up in your bedroom to be ready to make a special xmas dinner moment there. Even if you were still eating in bed, you still would be sharing the family moment together and that is what makes Christmas special

One Christmas I was bedridden for most of that day, I was too ME/CFS ill to share in the present opening, so I just focused on only sharing the Christmas lunch experience with the family and we were all fine with that. I just did that and then went straight back to bed and sleep. I do not look back at it as being a very bad day.

Anyway, my message to you is plan ahead more and plan something very simple which you are more likely able to cope with, which will give you less anxiety thinking about.. even if it is just planning on watching your family eat their xmas dinner from your bed. Rather than having all these.. "I dont know what will happen scary thoughts" making you sicker.

Best wishes to you for your Xmas day

Thank you so much. You're right and I will take on board your suggestions.

Ive decorated my bedroom already so that's a great idea for the meal in my bedroom if need be.

Thank you so much. You've reassured me and I've realised it's all what if thinking and fears of letting my children down because I want them to be happy and ok.

Merry Christmas
Jem

 

[Jemima37]

Oh @Jemima37 ....a big hug to you.

Christmas often causes problems. It's a lovely festival, but it is very hard work for some.

Is there any possible compromise? Such as having dinner at 4pm instead of midday/whatever? That could be one slightly helpful thing for you?

Christmas does revolve a lot around traditions. But no-one dies if they are shifted slightly sideways. People aren't sure at first, may not like the idea of having an apple and yogurt for Christmas lunch and saving their appetite for 4pm....
But for you it might make a huge difference.

A Christmas picnic in your room sounds like a wonderful family gathering. Yes it's "different" for them, but with some fairy lights up and maybe a few candles lit and some low music, it could be great, and a whole new thing. They might think it's nuts, but fun!

And you don't have to eat a huge dinner like you always used to do in years past. Don't even think about it. Eat small amounts of whatever takes your fancy and only that! And when you need to rest, let them know gently. They will then go and party downstairs and you can nap.

Same with the present-opening. Maybe they can bring stuff upstairs?

You won't upset them. Yes you'll be breaking with tradition but that's all. Love is still there. They know how unwell you are.
Put a little mistletoe over your bed to make sure you get a kiss!
Blessings to you all for Christmas.

Thank you so much.

Ive out a twig wall tree up on my wall with fairy lights, it's so pretty. I aleyss have a candle lit too. We've put all the presents under the wall tree, we still have a tree diensysirs with presents from family that my children will open down there with hubhy but oirllur gifts to eachother we will do uo here.

4pm sounds better and may help ease my anxiety. We usually eat about 3 so that will be ok. Hubby aleyss cooks as he enjoys making a roast but this hear u found a local restaurant that's delivering meals so I've paid for that out of my money to give hubby a full day with us and when I need rest he's then free to play games with thr kids and not glued to the kitchen all day.

I love the mistletoe idea, I'm definitely going to buy some. I wonder where sells that these days. I shall get go ogling haha.

Thank you so much, your words have bene a huge comfort. You've all been so very kind and it's reassuring to hear I'm not a bad mum it letting my children down in any way if I can't do a full family day and need breaks. The overwhelm I've been feeling and fear of the day has been awful so I'm glad I plucked up the courage to post. You've all been so kind. Thank you.

 

[i-lava-u]

My brain is a bit like mashed potatoes today so hopefully my post is somewhat coherent

I can relate to all of what you wrote and I am so sorry this is causing you added stress.

Because ME/CFS often takes away what we WANT to do, we are left to do what we CAN do instead. Which can be very frustrating and sad at times.

I find that this, in itself, creates a kind of grieving process, especially when faced with new limitations (such as you not being able to celebrate the holidays as you would like this year)

Not being able to do something we could do prior, puts what we cannot do front and center and we are forced to look at this disease and confront it directly. This is hard to do for sure.

I totally get it. I feel this way at times also. I am married with 2 teenagers (16 &13). It is hard. Even with a loving, supportive family, it is hard.

But then...there are these beautiful moments that blossom out of the hard times, like your family offering creative ways to still include you in the day. This is their way of letting you know how much they love and appreciate you and that the best Christmas for them is spending it with you and each other. However that looks.

If one of them were ill instead of you, you would do the same for them because you love them too.

....Maybe you can skype with them while they are eating downstairs if having them eat in your room is a bit much for you. Or maybe just eat dessert together in your room. Same with presents..they can even video tape the opening then you can watch it in your room together...

Maybe you can write some treasure hunt clues and ask your husband to hide them along with the gifts around the house for you. Then your kids can go on a treasure hunt and it can end in your room with one last gift?

I am glad you reached out. I hope it has eased the anxiety a bit.

Thinking of you and sending lots of love and hugs your way

 

[Jemima37]

My brain is a bit like mashed potatoes today so hopefully my post is somewhat coherent

I can relate to all of what you wrote and I am so sorry this is causing you added stress.

Because ME/CFS often takes away what we WANT to do, we are left to do what we CAN do instead. Which can be very frustrating and sad at times.

I find that this, in itself, creates a kind of grieving process, especially when faced with new limitations (such as you not being able to celebrate the holidays as you would like this year)

Not being able to do something we could do prior, puts what we cannot do front and center and we are forced to look at this disease and confront it directly. This is hard to do for sure.

I totally get it. I feel this way at times also. I am married with 2 teenagers (16 &13). It is hard. Even with a loving, supportive family, it is hard.

But then...there are these beautiful moments that blossom out of the hard times, like your family offering creative ways to still include you in the day. This is their way of letting you know how much they love and appreciate you and that the best Christmas for them is spending it with you and each other. However that looks.

If one of them were ill instead of you, you would do the same for them because you love them too.

....Maybe you can skype with them while they are eating downstairs if having them eat in your room is a bit much for you. Or maybe just eat dessert together in your room. Same with presents..they can even video tape the opening then you can watch it in your room together...

Maybe you can write some treasure hunt clues and ask your husband to hide them along with the gifts around the house for you. Then your kids can go on a treasure hunt and it can end in your room with one last gift?

I am glad you reached out. I hope it has eased the anxiety a bit.

Thinking of you and sending lots of love and hugs your way

Thank you for your lovely reply. Such beautiful ideas and kind words.

Thank you so much. My children are all teens too and so understanding, aren't we lucky.

Your reply has comforted me a lot and made me feel less overwhelmed and less guilty. Thank you for being so lovely and taking the time to reply.

Merry Christmas xoxo

 

[Wolfcub]

I am wondering if what overwhelmed you @Jemima37 is that this is the first "new" or different Christmas, and it's unlike the ones in years past.
A first time for everything is always a bit overwhelming.

I have a feeling you will have a lovely warm Christmas Day with lots of atmosphere and gentle fun, and some peace of mind I hope?

 

[jesse's mom]

Maybe you can write some treasure hunt clues and ask your husband to hide them along with the gifts around the house for you. Then your kids can go on a treasure hunt and it can end in your room with one last gift?

What a good idea! They might be old enough to do the treasure hunt and wait to open the gifts in your room?

My kids are all over the US map and one in France, how lucky I am to have this one left at home!

 

[Judee]

My family used to do Christmas big. My dad was a department store window decorator in the '60s & '70s and knew how to make everything so special.

Now neither my mom nor I have energy to decorate, or go gather with family. We can't eat the foods to begin with; can't be around everyone's perfumes, etc.

It can be discouraging and I sometimes feel like I'm causing her to miss out but she is too fragile to go anywhere either. I still try to have one thing special though like cooking a favorite food such as steak or shrimp. (Can't do a whole menu.) Plus, if the noise isn't too much sometimes we'll watch a Christmas movie.

Traditions change and holidays can still be special if you do something to commemorate them. I think presents in bed sounds wonderful. You'll be starting a new tradition with your family pajama party.

Just do what you can. It can still feel special even if you have to make new traditions.

 

[jesse's mom]

How are you doing @Jemima37 ? Just checking on you!