All I know is the last two years I have come to know what serious depression is...not just from loss of health but loss of all loved ones in my life. A few months ago the feeling of being ok when I felt well enough to get out to see people was just ok, and as soon as I get home to my empty house, I am back to just wanting to be dead...a puzzling observation of myself. Actually, when I can cry, I consider that a good thing as some feelings are flowing. What scared me most and I knew wasn't normal was everything would be going fine, I'd be out in public doing something with others, see logically that I am able to do some activities that I used to enjoy, but instead I then was still wanting to die.
I feel happier at the moment because I've found some purpose for life in the short term anyway by working on some major projects for my church. But I don't know how long that feeling will last as I still have no one in my personal life who has time or inclination to go see a movie with me, no one asks how I am, just how my work is going for the church. My volunteer work is helping others, but no one inquires about my life..no one knows much about me. I used to have lots of friends who I would have over for dinner, or we would call each other and have intimate conversations over coffee or phone. All gone for a variety of legitimate reasons.
But that numb feeling can be most dangerous in my opinion, at least for me, because I just feel mellow and resigned to die. My GP asked me if I might harm myself..I chuckled and said we both know if I wanted to kill myself I would, and I'd know better than to tell anybody I was thinking about it( I've been a psychotherapist for 30 yrs so have observed myself and clients for years) It is out of numbness that I logically and calmly reason that there is no reason to be alive and suffer physically when I have no one in my life. No one would know I'm close to taking action on it, because I can act cheerful just to fit in and be what I know others want to see....but I do not really feel what I'm expressing.
I have several friends who have mentioned they are on low dose of anti depressant. They are all workaholics, two attorneys and an mba paralegal oddly. They are extremely functional in jobs, but have muted emotions, so much so I can no longer have a true intimate real emotionally honest conversation with them. One's son was murdered, one's husband committed suicide in their house, and one lost her spouse to cancer within two weeks of diagnosis. Two were on anti depressants before their tragedies, and were muted emotionally before so I don't know how much is the meds, how much is from their tragedies, which now date back 5 yrs, and how much is their personality.
One friend I've known for 40 years and she used to be emotionally accessible but no longer. The mind body connection is so complicated, and add to it the loss of our health and lifestyle, who knows. So Drob, I hope you can find something to help you connect with your emotions again, it sounds like you used to have closer connections..so that's a good sign. I bet something will help, be it meds, lifestyle change, sometimes just going through the motions till something "clicks" again. That's what worked for me, along with feeling hopeful about a new spinal treatment. I am feeling like I'm coming out of a long dark tunnel finally. Sending you hugs.