Sweet Side of Caregiving


senior member
Concord, NH
If you dread the prospect of spending months or years caring for a very ill family member -- or being the one who needs care -- theres some unexpected good news from a study that has found considerable happiness among hands-on caregivers. The study results dont deny the hard truth about what its like to be the primary caretaker for someone who is ill, but the results are quite uplifting.

University of Michigan researchers studied the connection between helping and well-being in caregiving spouses. The researchers started by interviewing caregivers to measure each couples degree of interdependence (what researchers called "mutuality of need") and also to learn whether the caretaker took on the role by choice or, as is often the case, because there were no other options. Then the 73 full-time, at-home caregivers (ages 35 to 89) carried PDAs for one week during waking hours. These were set to beep at various intervals during the day, signaling caregivers to immediately respond to a short set of questions about their current emotional state... the activity they were engaged in... and what they had done (time spent actively helping vs. being "on call") since the last beep. Examples of "active" caregiving activities were tasks such as giving medications, preparing meals or helping the patient to dress or use the toilet... while time on-call meant the caregiver could engage in an activity, such as reading or watching TV, but had to remain nearby to ensure the spouses safety, provide reassurance or make sure nothing went wrong.

Helping Helps the Helper

The studys lead author, Michael Poulin, PhD, currently assistant professor of psychology at SUNYs University at Buffalo , told me that researchers found a correlation between providing active help (even including the not very attractive job of helping in the bathroom) and positive feelings -- but this effect was reversed for being passively on call. Why? He offered some theories...

Focusing on the needs of others may be inherently calming.

Active caregivers may find more meaning in their role, believing that they provide better care than could someone else.

Helping may invoke a feeling of compassion, which is itself a positive emotional experience.

While the research didnt delve into the reasons why caregivers felt less positive about being on call, Dr. Poulin speculated that waiting to be needed can be dreary and draining, and it also gives people time to worry about bad things that can (and likely will) occur, including the hospitalization and death of their loved ones.

Another finding: Interestingly, the quality of a couples relationship turned out to be more important than whether the caregiver had chosen to take on the role or had to do it. In couples with "high interdependence," caregivers felt really good about active helping, while feelings about time on-call were neutral. In contrast, for couples with less interdependence, active helping brought minimal positive feelings and on-call time tended to generate negative feelings -- and this is the sad situation in which caregiving truly seems like drudgery.

The takeaway is clear -- when someone you love is sick or disabled, taking on an active caregiver role is likely to bring unexpected rewards. Of course, your happiness wont last if you never get a break and cant pursue some kind of life outside the house. If you can, the trick is to "outsource" the on-call time, as possible, to a willing neighbor or family member or a professional caregiver.

"This study shows that we might be surprised about what will make us happy or unhappy," said Dr. Poulin. "Not enough people know that helping is good for them."


Michael Poulin, PhD, assistant professor of psychology, University at Buffalo , The State University of New York, and lead author of a study of 73 full-time caregivers.


Yep, it's good for our whole being to care for others. For me it's not only a thing of purpose, but also meaning. I know a guy who survived the Bataan Death March by focusing on helping those less fortunate around him. Some of Victor Frankl's philosophy of surviving the worst possible torment involved helping others.

ME/CFS is an all consuming disease causing us to become more self absorbed......helping others pulls me back from that dungeon. That to which we focus our attention grows stronger.

"There are those who give and know not the pain in giving, nor do they seek Joy, nor seek with mindfulness of Virtue;
They give as in yonder valley the myrtle breathes it's fragrance into space.
Through the hands of such as these God speaks, and from behind their eyes God smiles upon the earth"

Kahlil Gibran


Senior Member
Sweet side of Caregiving is indeed and not only in marriage. As a hands on carer before my own illness I cannot think of anything more "rewarding" than seeing the comfort it brings and pleasure which in turn increases one's own.