I don’t know what this is, or what it would be classified as, but as I’ve got it today it brought it to mind.
If something crops up that I really have to do, I go into a sort of shutdown. The more my mind is telling me to get off my backside and make a start, or do whatever it is, my body kind of freezes and I can’t do it. As time runs out for me to do whatever it is, my mind is going into overdrive, panicking to do it, but my body refuses.
Is this part of an anxiety disorder or part of CFS/ME, or something totally unrelated.
Does anyone else have anything like this?
Absolutely describes me perfectly.
Perplexed I have tried to quantify it a little for myself. I think it's part of my brain is actually sleeping and not awake. Part of me is like -- "YO, YOU HAVE GOT TO MOVE GIRL, YOU HAVE GOT TO DO THIS!! GO GO GO!!! PLEASE!!!!!" It's frantic and trapped inside pounding against a glass wall. No dice. There is a creative part of the brain that is spontaneous and colorful that makes suggestions - it talks to us all the time like, "hey pick up the trash on the floor, did you remember to call the doctor? You look good today maybe do your hair in a new way, we could probably put up decorations." But when it sleeps this hard - it doesn't do anything. It is too dormant to even feel upset about stuff. I'm in a grey emotional scape, and as an artist that is beyond weird for me. I've relied my entire life on my creative brain and most of the time I can't access it anymore.
The part of my brain that is awake sometimes thinks of stuff, bless it's heart, it kinda sorta tries like 'we have decorations, you should put them up.' Mmmh hmm. Then I sit there and I don't do it.
I have a meal plan on account I can't plan jack anymore. When I do Yoga I want to do the same Yoga everyday, I can't handle different routines in the Yoga. I've tried to adapt to this but it really really bothers me. I want to do the same thing the same way every single day -- mostly sit. Reading becomes too much. Most television is too much.
Last year I had 3 weeks of remission where my illness was gone. I started to think about going back to work, I cleaned my house, Could think clearly, I was so relieved, 'that's finally over' --- and then I woke up, and it was back.
The dissapointment and the pain of waking up sick all over again - shattering.
Sometimes I feel like my brain is an engine that is trying to start but it just sits there making that 'bad starter' noise you know, it doesn't click on over. I don't think my whole brain is bad, or everything is wrecked .... but something is just off and it's off just enough that nothing is working right.
Since I've been ill, been trying to eat right, was Vegan for awhile - learned to like all kinds of foods I would never normally eat - make my tea with fresh ginger in it, have a daily Kombucha, Yoga. I do fasting twice a week. And what is wild is my husband showed me a side by side photo of myself from about 8 years ago and now -- Wow. I look like a different person. I look a million times healthier than I used to. My skin, my hair, posture - gosh everything is better, healthy food does work it turns out - I thought I just spent the time and money for nothing. So how in the crap do I convince people I'm sick now? I don't look it. Meanwhile my old pops in his 70's with the bad diabetes has more energy than I do. He has severe anemia, a blood issue, bad heart, wonky kidneys -- and gets more done. His engine still works, I'm stalled out.
But you know, I gotta have hope. I'll keep praying and try to rehab, it's about all I can do.
