Interesting post, RecoverySoon.
Yes I do know what you are saying. I have been taught this many times at the centre I go to (well, used to. I'm finally having to admit that I'm too ill to go). I also read an excellent book on this very thing: Living Well With Pain and Illness by Vidyamala Burch.
It has, however, not worked out when it comes to this particular problem. This has pained me a great deal, as I love Buddhism so much, and I have been very confused as to why I cannot maintain my mindfulness or my meditations when my body starts reacting to noise.
I think the thing is, meditating when you are suffering from pain, or fatigue, or various discomforts (all of which of course I have too) is not the same as trying to meditate when your body is literally panicking. And that is what mine does. It is like my body is on high alert all of the time, and the slightest noise sends it into overdrive and my whole body reacts as if a tiger just jumped out of the wardrobe and is going to eat me!
And once this reaction starts, my body stays on red alert for a long time. I would say that when I do get quiet, I can still reach a meditative state when I am suffering pain, fatigue and various discomforts, because I can still calm my body and enter into a state of consciousness where I am aware of these things, but they are not causing me suffering. However, when I am in the panic state due to my noise sensitivity (or other things can set it off too), I cannot calm my body (well, I can calm my emotions a little, but my body will still be panicking), so I find it impossible to enter into any different state of consciousness.
And I do not find just being aware of the reaction in my body useful. It actually tends to make the reaction worse. If I distract myself, generally my body panics less, but if I stay with the panic, even if I stay emotionally calm, it only grows and grows until it eventually becomes so bad that it is intolerable.
Hi Lucinda,
There are two reactions. One reaction is your body's reaction to the stimulus (in this case sound). The second reaction is your mental reaction to the reaction- judging, worrying, etc. This creates a cycle of habitual reactivity that is perpetuating itself.
I think the first place to begin is your goal. If the goal is to enter into a "different state of consciousness" you have already set yourself up for failure, and you have exceeded the purpose. Meditation is quite simple. It is neither to 1) escape any condition- even pain, nor to 2) acquire any preferential state. Attaching to either one is a form of grasping and aversion, which is the textbook Buddhist recipe for suffering.
Rather, the purpose of meditation is to accept what is. This does not require entering any state of being other than the one you are currently in. You mentioned inability to maintain mindfulness because of the intensity of the discomfort, yet is it true that you cannot? Although, it is clearly difficult, you cannot mindfully observe your pain, and even your panic? I don't doubt that doing so intensifies your panic- because you are going straight at the heart of your pain and fear- which can be terrifying. If you tend towards panic, that will ignite more panic. And it might seem intolerable. Yet, mindfully being with and observing this cycle of reactivity will likely lower your panic over the long haul. Your panic is a conditioned reaction. When you observe it, you are creating space between you and it. YOU are not your panic. So, when you observe your panic, you have already changed your relationship to it in a Radical way.
Developing this capacity to open the welcome mat to the most difficult of visitors will liberate you. Will it end your pain- or even your panic? No guarantees. But it will absolutely bring more sanity and clarity to your life and this dilemma. There is bound to be resistance to doing this because it is so difficult. It is difficult for healthy people to just sit with their monkey minds- let alone, sick people with layers of disease, pain and panic to do it. But I have found it to be the best recipe for sanity.
Your analogy to a tiger is spot on. You are panicking because your fight/flight response is going haywire. It is perceiving danger, and arousing your sympathetic nervous system. The only way to counteract this arousal is to convince your system that there is no immediate life threatening danger. A great way to do that is by sitting and watching your reactions. Eventually your body gets the message- "Hey, there is no tiger. There is no fire. There are uncomfortable symptoms- but I am safe." Meditation is counterintuitive. You are doing precisely what your mind is screaming at you not to do. Keeping at it will eventually recondition, or rather, decondition, your reactions.
It's OK to panic. Just allow it to be. You won't die. And if it just gets too intense, even intolerable, then give yourself a compassionate break. But, ultimately, the path is not around, it is straight through. Remember: "Whatever you resist, persists."
Thanks for your book suggestion. Here's a good one as well: "Full Catastrophe Living" by Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn. He started the MBSR- Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction Clinic in the early 70's in the basement of UMASS Medical Center, and put terminal patients (and patients with panic disorder) through an 8 week mindfulness course. 30 years later, the program is utilized to great success in over 250 medical clinics worldwide.
Ultimately, I believe that if you are doing meditation for real inner growth, chronic illness is the perfect vehicle. It is extremely difficult- beyond description. But it is a fast track to spiritual growth if you open up to it in a certain way.
Just think if XMRV is the cause- and you do all of this great work on yourself at the most difficult time imaginable. Looked at a certain way, there is a great opportunity here.
In two years, you might be healthy...and enlightened!