You are so gifted with words....you know how to grab hold of the deepest feelings. I am trying to "come " out also and am going to read this to my therapist. With this coming out I have noticed a huge amount of angst, a kind of anger that is not anger if that makes sense. It is kind of fight to be part of the game. The therapist suggested I am having "feelings" again instead of just being a "non person"
If anyone stands in my path I seem to be like a mountain lion. I have never before known myself to speak my mind like I am doing, firming saying what I like and what I dont like. I guess I used to want to be "liked". I think my forced isolation where very few of my family and friends really cared, and know I could have died and still no one cared. So why would I need anyones approval? This is a a very freeing experience....dont care if I am liked ...I am just being me....a NEW me.....one who likes their own company now. My garden is is my best friend.
I was nothing but angry for a couple of years. Not doing alot of arguing or being confrontational for the most part, but it was there all the time, it was bedrock under everything. And I didn't have alot of "bend", if I felt pushed, I pushed back.
The "niceness" that had always been inherent in me took a back seat on those occasions. I was fighting for my life and I had decided I would be HEARD. The feelings of invisibility caused me to rear up on my hind legs and speak up, whether anyone liked it or not.
Yes. I know exactly what you're talking about. It wasn't pleasant but I think it was necessary for me to go through this rather than stuff it down. Sometimes back then, if I was very angry or very hurt, I would actually feel pressure in my throat and ears, like something physical was stuck in there and had to come OUT. Couple times my head and neck and ears would get scorching hot, and painful, and I felt like my face must be as red as a tomato. It wasn't but it felt like it.
I was mad at almost everyone I knew, even people who had done some things to help me. Because though they were being thoughtful, what I needed was so much more. I resented everyone I knew who went out for lunch or on a trip or bought new clothes, while I was in poverty and on the verge of taking the Big Slide Down.
Keep with it, girl. I think it's important. And ... you are pretty good at expressing what it's like yourself. Don't underestimate your ability to make yourself known. You are doing well.:Retro smile: