Mum guilt. Struggling

Jemima37

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Thank you for responding to me Rebecca. I appreciate you doing that. Your words were so kind.

I hope I can get over this guilt, it's just so hard not to blame myself when my daughter opened up last night that she feels low and at times anxious in school. They all know I adore them but I feel irs not good enough since having cfs.

Thank you so much.

Ju
 

taniaaust1

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Thank you all.

You kind words reassured me but last night our daughter at midnight asked to speak to hubby. She opened up and told him she had been feeling low lately and a little anxious in lessons at school. She said for a year her mood has felt up and down and she was worried in case it was depression.
I suggest you take her to a doctor, what if she does have depression.... this should not be ignored and she should be evaluated by a GP. It probably took a lot for her to broach your husband and tell him how she has been feeling.

With this being said, I'd like to say that depression is caused by a chemical imbalance and not something which another usually causes. So if she has true depression at all, you would not be the cause of it. This is something a doctor probably can reassure you more about.

This came as such a shock because shes so happy and always laid back like her dad. Never a sign of being low.
children learn from their parents so if you hide how you feel about things.. your children will pick up on this even if it is subconsciously and learn to do the same. A parent leads by example so think about talking to your kids more about things even the less happy stuff in life as teens, they are moving towards adulthood and less need to protect. They may even appreciate it if you asked them for help more instead of shutting down to them.

Try to stop blaming yourself.. would you still do that if say you had something different making you need to rest more eg cancer?... or would you then blame the illness itself which is where the blame should be at.. not at yourself.

best wishes to you.
 

Jemima37

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Hello Tania

Thank you. Of course, my concern is incase it is depression. My mum has depression and brother. I knew the signs in him as a child growing up, from seeing my mum. My mum had brother would get very aggressive, self harm, attempt suicide (brother) or threaten to do it, to our faces (my mum) which was horrific to grow up around. Strangely my daughter doesnt show any such signs other than she said she feels low at times. Sometimes during her monthly cycle she gets quite tearful or snappy but then once it's over shes fine.

Since she opened up to us shes been absolutely fine. Happy and normal again. She sat with me last night and we talked about it, she said she doesnt at this moment want to see a doctor or be forced to therapy as she doesn't feel she needs to so for now I will respect her decision but on the promise that if she does feel its not just hormones and she feels more anxious in school, then we definitely take her to talk to our GP. She agreed but she said she doesn't feel she needs it. She said she feels anxious in school at times during lessons if she gets stressed and at home that doesnt happen, she feels fine. She said the low mood comes and goes. I'd like her to see a school therapist at least but she insisted she doesnt want to and ahe thinks now shes spoken to us both and we are going to make sure we have more family time, but also allow me rest when I need it then she will be happier. She just wants extra family time right now for extra comfort and I get that. We lay on my bed cuddling until midnight last night, I'm exhausted today staying up so late but she came first and wanted a chat.

I was very open with my children recently about the cfs and admitted it causes me anxiety. They're also very aware my brother attacked me (sadly they found out as my mum turned up at my house that evening screaming at me that my brother had been arrested for attacking me in a police station where I ran for help after he chased me in a car). Our children then were 10, 8 &7. It was awful and I felt I failed them by not hiding them from my families abusive ways. My mum always shouted infront of us as children with our dad, aswell as aggression so she had no filter infront of my children either. She used to say some awful things and that another eason I walked away from my abusive unhinged family to protect my children from the upbringing I had.

I did hide for a long time that I had anxiety and trauma after those events because my children were also coping with losing aunties, uncles and grandmother. They now see my mum as i didn't want them to not have a grandmother but its always been on our terms as parents. I personally dont see my mum and i haven't seen my siblings since the attack 7 years ago. Everything I've done is to protect them and thankfully they've not been upset losing my ex family because our life now is calm and safe, it never used to be when I had my family in my life.

I am honest with my children but yes a huge part of me tries to protect them an awful lot from harm and I dont want to mess my children up like my family did my childhood. If I'm having a tough day I often pretend I'm fine and drain myself having my children with me because on the days I feel bad and ask to be left to rest for a day or afternoon I feel so much guilt and worry I'm a bad mum for asking that of them? I also apologise too much for the ill health and my daughter admitted that upsets her so I shall stop doing that. Bad habit.

I'm definitely keeping a very close eye on my daughter. I think it is a mix of hormones, she has some rather stressful friendships we discuss them often and I wish she knew her worth and made new friendships away from the so called 'popular'girls that upset and pressure her, pressure in high school, and of course its not easy having a mum with chronic illness. I acknowledged that must be hard on her but she insisted it's not the reason at all, of course it upsets her as she wants her mum better but it's not making her mood low. Shes such a lovely girl.

Thank you for your helpful reply.

J
 
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heapsreal

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I keep quoting my previous post on this because it applies to so many of the situations that we go through with this disease and feeling like we are just not "measuring up."



I think it helps to have a saying or song or something that we can repeat to ourselves to drown out that voice of condemnation because it is a voice that does not rest. 24/7 it will try to press us down and make us feel completely unworthy. Even if it is just the word "mercy" that you can say to yourself over and over, find something that will help you realize that you are doing your best to be the best mom you can to your kids.

Even in an ideal situation you can only ever do your best. Even a healthy mom cannot be everything to her children all the time. You don't want to teach them a standard of complete perfection anyway, do you? They are going to have failures too. You want to teach them that that's okay as well; that they can be merciful with themselves when that happens.

Okay---one more thought that helps me is this. The only ones that lose are the ones that quit. That goes along with the movie Elmo and the fish Dory. She had a mantra as well. It was this. "Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming." As long as you continue trying for your kids, even in just choosing to exist where you are in circumstances that "are what they are," you are helping them. You are showing them a strong example of "Just keep swimming." No matter what life throws at you..."Just keep swimming" cause only those who quit lose. In that way, you are being a very good mom to your kids. Resilience will see them through the rough spots and there is probably no better lesson you can give them in this life than that.
Your lazy.
Sorry i could resist.

From another lazy bum