Fall is rolling around and the less humid air helps me a bit. Successful detoxes and no diet missteps have given me a few days of better clarity. Plus the derealization & depersonalization are extremely thick for me so if they thin at all, a sense of perspective peaks through.
But when that comes, anxiety follows close behind. Im obviously not recovered during these times but just the ability to feel a bit of perspective brings the reality of how much time I've lost. Then, the idea of sustained progress leading to recovery gives me the realization that i would be sitting in the middle of the world at 35 yrs old.... with nothing.
My friends long moved on. I have nothing a 35 yr old should have established. I could return to my old career but i have no desire (if illness brings any positive to it, it's a sense of clarity of what we truely want). So, id likely go back to school which is difficult at this age.
But there's more to me than that. A deeper desire. I was a person who had such passion for what i believed in, what i thought was good and right. I was so protective of the people i cared about and they all knew what i stood for. I strived to be a positive part of something bigger than me.
I don't have anything anymore. I feel devoid of purpose. There's nothing to return to. Where are my friends and loved ones to look after? Out living their lives apart from me. That drive to serve, protect and be a positive influence on the world isn't doable like this.... nor would it be if i was recovered. It's like I've lost the ability to navigate myself toward my best life, especially if i were to start over at this age. It's amazing how much our family, friends and environment dictate our direction when we are young adults.
I always wanted a family. A wife i would pour my soul into and kids who i'd keep safe through the gates of hell. I can't expect to meet someone and build something when i have nothing established in my life, but that's understandable. I miss my friends watching a movie and when the hero saves the day say; "omg Jeff, that's so you". Because they knew who i was and they'd be safe with me.
But it takes years to establish those skills and that community. It feels as if recovery would be like standing alone in the middle of an open field wondering where to go now. Could a good life even be re-established? If the battle of this illness is won, it's as if we then stand at the gates of a new, even larger one.
I apologize for the emotional torrent in this post but it's an emotional topic. Does anyone else share these sentiments?
But when that comes, anxiety follows close behind. Im obviously not recovered during these times but just the ability to feel a bit of perspective brings the reality of how much time I've lost. Then, the idea of sustained progress leading to recovery gives me the realization that i would be sitting in the middle of the world at 35 yrs old.... with nothing.
My friends long moved on. I have nothing a 35 yr old should have established. I could return to my old career but i have no desire (if illness brings any positive to it, it's a sense of clarity of what we truely want). So, id likely go back to school which is difficult at this age.
But there's more to me than that. A deeper desire. I was a person who had such passion for what i believed in, what i thought was good and right. I was so protective of the people i cared about and they all knew what i stood for. I strived to be a positive part of something bigger than me.
I don't have anything anymore. I feel devoid of purpose. There's nothing to return to. Where are my friends and loved ones to look after? Out living their lives apart from me. That drive to serve, protect and be a positive influence on the world isn't doable like this.... nor would it be if i was recovered. It's like I've lost the ability to navigate myself toward my best life, especially if i were to start over at this age. It's amazing how much our family, friends and environment dictate our direction when we are young adults.
I always wanted a family. A wife i would pour my soul into and kids who i'd keep safe through the gates of hell. I can't expect to meet someone and build something when i have nothing established in my life, but that's understandable. I miss my friends watching a movie and when the hero saves the day say; "omg Jeff, that's so you". Because they knew who i was and they'd be safe with me.
But it takes years to establish those skills and that community. It feels as if recovery would be like standing alone in the middle of an open field wondering where to go now. Could a good life even be re-established? If the battle of this illness is won, it's as if we then stand at the gates of a new, even larger one.
I apologize for the emotional torrent in this post but it's an emotional topic. Does anyone else share these sentiments?
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