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Since having severe ME I have done a lot of emotional compartmentalization bc emotions take too much energy to process usually. I dont know if this is emotionally healthy but it seems to be what my body needs
This has come into conflict with the buddhist practice I'm trying to do.
The Buddhist practices I do are mantras and other types of meditation but the basis of all Buddhist practice is something called bodhicitta which is hard to translate but is a type of compassion and love for all. I realized if I am emotionally closed off I cannot feel bodhicitta. So I tried a practice called tonglen to open myself up emotionally. You can read about it or google it. It worked, but then I just felt like I had used up a lot of my energy and was going to crash.
So, cultivating bodhicitta is difficult when you have actual metabolic energy crashes from too much emotion. But doing mantra meditation or other types of meditation without bodhicitta is sort of like trying to build a house without a foundation or something. Or drive a car without fuel. It just is sort of pointless , even if it drains less energy. Maybe not totally pointless as mantras and prayers comfort me, but not as powerful as it would be with bodhicitta.
Anyway so this dilemma is hard. I guess I dont want to not practice and I dont think I'll get good answers from Buddhists who dont understand ME/CFS and PEM. But maybe there are some practicing Buddhists on here who also have had this issue.
Anyway , I want to continue with my vajrayana Buddhist practice for many reasons. I also don't want to crash myself. And at some point it's just impossible to do more, regardless of worrying about crashing. Just immediate fatigue and weakness preventing it.
But I'm wondering if I could budget my energy in a different way , so that I could manage to open my emotions and compassion and do these practices, even for a bit each day? Then I can turn off my emotions to protect my energy, for the rest of the day. Like I do go on my phone and waste time emailing doctors when I could let my caregiver do that and reading tabloid news and so on and so on. I'm not sure it adds up to the same amount of energy as I need to practice, but maybe it will.
Emotions and manually turning them on really does take a lot of energy. And the cognition for more advanced vajrayana practices like tonglen or chod/"feeding your demons" .
Anyway I desire to practice now so much. It's ironic bc at some points in my life I had the energy and didnt meditate and now I dont have the energy and want to , anyway, trying to see about all of this
This has come into conflict with the buddhist practice I'm trying to do.
The Buddhist practices I do are mantras and other types of meditation but the basis of all Buddhist practice is something called bodhicitta which is hard to translate but is a type of compassion and love for all. I realized if I am emotionally closed off I cannot feel bodhicitta. So I tried a practice called tonglen to open myself up emotionally. You can read about it or google it. It worked, but then I just felt like I had used up a lot of my energy and was going to crash.
So, cultivating bodhicitta is difficult when you have actual metabolic energy crashes from too much emotion. But doing mantra meditation or other types of meditation without bodhicitta is sort of like trying to build a house without a foundation or something. Or drive a car without fuel. It just is sort of pointless , even if it drains less energy. Maybe not totally pointless as mantras and prayers comfort me, but not as powerful as it would be with bodhicitta.
Anyway so this dilemma is hard. I guess I dont want to not practice and I dont think I'll get good answers from Buddhists who dont understand ME/CFS and PEM. But maybe there are some practicing Buddhists on here who also have had this issue.
Anyway , I want to continue with my vajrayana Buddhist practice for many reasons. I also don't want to crash myself. And at some point it's just impossible to do more, regardless of worrying about crashing. Just immediate fatigue and weakness preventing it.
But I'm wondering if I could budget my energy in a different way , so that I could manage to open my emotions and compassion and do these practices, even for a bit each day? Then I can turn off my emotions to protect my energy, for the rest of the day. Like I do go on my phone and waste time emailing doctors when I could let my caregiver do that and reading tabloid news and so on and so on. I'm not sure it adds up to the same amount of energy as I need to practice, but maybe it will.
Emotions and manually turning them on really does take a lot of energy. And the cognition for more advanced vajrayana practices like tonglen or chod/"feeding your demons" .
Anyway I desire to practice now so much. It's ironic bc at some points in my life I had the energy and didnt meditate and now I dont have the energy and want to , anyway, trying to see about all of this
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