Jackb23
Senior Member
- Messages
- 293
- Location
- Columbus, Ohio
Let me first off start by saying I have a love hate relationship with neurofeedback. I think it is an incredibly powerful tool and in many ways it has given me some great years. I have mild ME/CFS and my main symptoms over the years were cognitive.
Starting in 2017 I began doing ketamine infusions for depression. These kept me from being mildly suicidal, but they absolutely destroyed my sleep and also gave me horribly blunted affect. I did rTMS before the ketamine and this was a horrible experience.
I then began to look for what would be next. I had done 30 infusions over the course of 2 years and I was in a worse place than when I started. I began researching and found neurofeedback. I went to a local provider and we trained way too fast. We were doing 2 sessions a day for a few weeks and I had some side effects where I felt too activated. We then decided to just squish all of my brain waves which led to other issues like not being able to sit up I was so tired, but the side effects from feeling too activated largely went away.
I largely gave up on neurofeedback but returned to it a year later with a new provider. We were able to make some progress and I felt a good bit better, but we couldnt get rid of the brain fog. I then saw a different provider and we got rid of the brain fog completely. I didnt really have any bad side effects during these years other than just fatigue.
At this time my grades in school were really good, my sleep was very manageable, I began dating a girl, but I wasnt all the way to where I wanted to be. I also landed my dream job. I decided to get my own device and perfect things further. I began doing unconventional protocols that no one in their right mind would agree to do. I was increasing frontal alpha a ton to give myself more energy, but I gave myself pretty horrible ocd. I could still tolerate most protocols, but I went very, very slow because I was now a little gun shy. I had VNS implanted at this time as well.
Other than this, life was the best that it has been in years. I moved to Austin, Tx with my girlfriend, but this newfound ocd was really bugging me. I went back to train with a provider as my attempts to reverse what I did only gave me further side effects. This is where my life totally went to shit. This started a cycle of trying to fix things and having new things pop up. I think training with the VNS on played a huge role in the side effects that I experienced.
- I began to have extreme adrenaline surges.
- I began to be unable to eat.
- My sleep got worse.
- My legs shake all the time when going down stairs.
- I began to have panic attacks.
- I experienced a spinning sensation that would last for hours.
I recently decided to "squish" my brain waves again with a provider to hopefully make these things go away. I then attempted to wake myself up by adding frontal beta. A few days later when I got super, super tired again I became extremely derealized. Derealization is the scariest thing I have ever experienced. I feel like I am in a different world so to speak. I look at my father and know it is my father, but emotionally it just doesnt compute. I am 26 y/o and cant be alone. I have panic attacks because of this. I have had to take off work. I have had to break up with my girlfriend who I was determined to marry. I have had to move back home for right now. I live in terror.
I am hoping that I am able to reverse the squish and the derealization. Otherwise I do just not want to be alive anymore. My parents are pushing in-patient hospitalization because they think it will fix this some how.
I really had it all by some accounts: an amazing girlfriend, a great job and a cool new city. I now have none of those.
Starting in 2017 I began doing ketamine infusions for depression. These kept me from being mildly suicidal, but they absolutely destroyed my sleep and also gave me horribly blunted affect. I did rTMS before the ketamine and this was a horrible experience.
I then began to look for what would be next. I had done 30 infusions over the course of 2 years and I was in a worse place than when I started. I began researching and found neurofeedback. I went to a local provider and we trained way too fast. We were doing 2 sessions a day for a few weeks and I had some side effects where I felt too activated. We then decided to just squish all of my brain waves which led to other issues like not being able to sit up I was so tired, but the side effects from feeling too activated largely went away.
I largely gave up on neurofeedback but returned to it a year later with a new provider. We were able to make some progress and I felt a good bit better, but we couldnt get rid of the brain fog. I then saw a different provider and we got rid of the brain fog completely. I didnt really have any bad side effects during these years other than just fatigue.
At this time my grades in school were really good, my sleep was very manageable, I began dating a girl, but I wasnt all the way to where I wanted to be. I also landed my dream job. I decided to get my own device and perfect things further. I began doing unconventional protocols that no one in their right mind would agree to do. I was increasing frontal alpha a ton to give myself more energy, but I gave myself pretty horrible ocd. I could still tolerate most protocols, but I went very, very slow because I was now a little gun shy. I had VNS implanted at this time as well.
Other than this, life was the best that it has been in years. I moved to Austin, Tx with my girlfriend, but this newfound ocd was really bugging me. I went back to train with a provider as my attempts to reverse what I did only gave me further side effects. This is where my life totally went to shit. This started a cycle of trying to fix things and having new things pop up. I think training with the VNS on played a huge role in the side effects that I experienced.
- I began to have extreme adrenaline surges.
- I began to be unable to eat.
- My sleep got worse.
- My legs shake all the time when going down stairs.
- I began to have panic attacks.
- I experienced a spinning sensation that would last for hours.
I recently decided to "squish" my brain waves again with a provider to hopefully make these things go away. I then attempted to wake myself up by adding frontal beta. A few days later when I got super, super tired again I became extremely derealized. Derealization is the scariest thing I have ever experienced. I feel like I am in a different world so to speak. I look at my father and know it is my father, but emotionally it just doesnt compute. I am 26 y/o and cant be alone. I have panic attacks because of this. I have had to take off work. I have had to break up with my girlfriend who I was determined to marry. I have had to move back home for right now. I live in terror.
I am hoping that I am able to reverse the squish and the derealization. Otherwise I do just not want to be alive anymore. My parents are pushing in-patient hospitalization because they think it will fix this some how.
I really had it all by some accounts: an amazing girlfriend, a great job and a cool new city. I now have none of those.