This is more like a blog. I don't think blogs can be made "members only". I might not reply to some replies because I am sensitive, hurting, and tired. I am not suicidal, but I hate almost everything about my life. I think I haven't complained here for a while. Things are not any better. They are worse. I'm not as brave as most members who post here. I don't like to post all the upsetting details, but I have to share my feelings. Life is bad in so many ways, but the biggest thing I'm upset about now is how I'm just unable to have relationships. I don't mean only romantic relationships. I can't have a friend and I can't even have a nice conversation with an acquaintance. It's too much for me. I don't have much of a life, and I'm used to it. I'm still upset about it, but not as upset as I was a few years ago. But I still want to have a friend or person who I can enjoy spending time with, and where I don't have to pretend and use up energy I don't have. I decided to only be friends with ill people, because they could understand better, and they have lower energy, but I don't think I have much chance of success with that either. I am so sad about it. I've tried to tell myself that someday it would work, and be optimistic like that, but I'm having another difficult time with someone and I'm not seeing this changing. I see so many reasons why I can't even have a friend, (unless it is just a forum friend, and even that is hard). And few reasons why someone would want to be my friend. I've posted before about how being ill makes us vulnerable. I am so tired of being this way. I try so hard, and these people who try to be my friend are also good people. And it doesn't work. I admit some of my "emotional baggage" and mental things are part of it, but I think it's mostly the fatigue, different types of pains, bad sleep schedule, and unpredictability of symptoms that make me unable to have a friend. I have seen the same problems over and over with people I try to be friends with. The biggest problems are always the same old reasons. Things I really can't change. I could change a few of the easier ones if I were to have lots and lots of free help from someone understanding (or if I could afford to pay). I mean actual help, not therapy. I know I'm not alone in this, and it is a little comforting to not feel alone, but then I start hurting for other people like me. Some of them have even less than me. I still have some hope for my health to improve, and make friendship possible, but most of my hope is gone now. My hope was lower and lower 3-6 years ago and now it's so low. It's almost gone. I feel sure that I cannot have friends unless my health improves, or if I found one of the most understanding and calm people on earth to be friends with. I think I have things to offer in a friendship, but healthy people are in such a different world. I think members here know what I mean. Well it goes farther for me. I also feel like most ill people are also in a different world from me. (I know many are worse than me. I am not bed-bound.) I think that many ill, even bed-bound, people are able to have friends. I think one reason I'm not able to was I got sick so young, and it's been so long that I've been sick. It has changed me and kept me from developing like most people (even most ill people usually grew up before they became ill).