I have tried physical remedies, supplements, drugs, seen naturopaths, homeopaths, done plenty of tests. I dont know what the reason for my CFS is,
but therapy has helped in a fair few ways. I'm still -stuck- as it were but compared to where i was, i'm alot better.
Growing up i had a mother with bipolar who seemed so controlling and emotionally potent. She would struggle with the world and emotions, what she said and her emotions always seemed different. I'd ask are you sad because she looked it and she'd always put on a smile and say no. There was so much of her lurking underneath that facade. She was very smothering and i find it quite difficult to be independent. It wasn't until i was 15 when she went into hospital that i felt like i could even think. All my life before then was reacting. I was a slow processor, maybe it wasn't so much slow as i processed so much.
I got used to reading moods and could quite easily make someone feel comfortable because i was hyperaware of what was going on with them. I'm struggling now to become self evident. To find who i am. But its so hard to, its like i cant stop doing things or activating my mind with things other than just being me because i never have. Its such a habit not to be myself. I always felt emotional growing up yet was never able to share it. If i was angry, i was being over the top. Yet my narcissist brother and controlling mother both would yell or express so much more deeply than I ever did.
They were selfish. And i was never allowed to be because they seemed to want me in some sort of mould for them. It pisses me off so completely, having to be a -helper/healer- for people who didnt want to be helped. While i think there are physical factors involved in my illness and genetics, i feel like the only place i can really embrace or matter is by being myself. It just feels like i'm at the bottom of a mud pit struggling to breathe, knowing where its better to be but stuffed if i know how to get there.
but therapy has helped in a fair few ways. I'm still -stuck- as it were but compared to where i was, i'm alot better.
Growing up i had a mother with bipolar who seemed so controlling and emotionally potent. She would struggle with the world and emotions, what she said and her emotions always seemed different. I'd ask are you sad because she looked it and she'd always put on a smile and say no. There was so much of her lurking underneath that facade. She was very smothering and i find it quite difficult to be independent. It wasn't until i was 15 when she went into hospital that i felt like i could even think. All my life before then was reacting. I was a slow processor, maybe it wasn't so much slow as i processed so much.
I got used to reading moods and could quite easily make someone feel comfortable because i was hyperaware of what was going on with them. I'm struggling now to become self evident. To find who i am. But its so hard to, its like i cant stop doing things or activating my mind with things other than just being me because i never have. Its such a habit not to be myself. I always felt emotional growing up yet was never able to share it. If i was angry, i was being over the top. Yet my narcissist brother and controlling mother both would yell or express so much more deeply than I ever did.
They were selfish. And i was never allowed to be because they seemed to want me in some sort of mould for them. It pisses me off so completely, having to be a -helper/healer- for people who didnt want to be helped. While i think there are physical factors involved in my illness and genetics, i feel like the only place i can really embrace or matter is by being myself. It just feels like i'm at the bottom of a mud pit struggling to breathe, knowing where its better to be but stuffed if i know how to get there.
