12 Things you should never say to the sick

[PatJ]

12 Things you should never say to the sick is an article with a familiar list of things that people with a chronic illness often hear. The article itself covers familiar territory but a couple of comments stood out and are the reason for my post. I think they offer useful and constructive points.

From poetess1966: But if you're going to say something about someone's illness, the best is to just ask how they are. Ask them about how any medicines are working. But mostly, just listen. Let the person just talk. So many of us spend so much time talking about the illness and doctors and treatments that sometimes we're sick of it. Ask how the kids are, ask what new book or movie we're interested in. Be the one person who lets us escape the illness for a bit. If the person wants to talk about the illness, just listen. Be the sounding board so many people with chronic illness do NOT have. You don't have to fix us or comfort us, just understand us.

From JennyN: I have MS and yes, I recognise a lot of these comments. I agree that people can say odd things that may not appear immediately helpful - but worry that the more articles people see about what NOT to say, the more awkward they'll feel saying anything at all.

I don't get annoyed when people do say the odd crass thing any more, as I look for the underlying intention behind them - and I haven't come across a single deliberately hurtful or negative one yet. Among other reasons, I think these sorts of comments can be down to awkwardness, shock, thoughtlessness, trying to practically help, trying to make me feel better, or good about myself - or a combination of some of these.

It's more important for me to look at how I react to how people speak to me - and if someone does suggest some lifestyle intervention/treatment that I've already decided against, and which has been suggested to me many times before, then I'll just explain that and thank them for the thought - what is the big problem with this? I do find pity the hardest to deal with, but again I'd rather look at why this is. What does this say about me and how I deal with my illness? [...]

My tips for how to talk to me are simply 1. Relax 2. Ask me how I am 3. When I tell you, don't feel you have to make things right - even just saying 'bummer' if I'm not good is something (and if I say 'ok' then great!) 4. Then let's talk about something more interesting! How are you? Like Poetess1966 said, let's talk about a good book or film instead. The main thing is we're talking.

 

[barbc56]

If I remember correctly, the following is referring to invisible health conditions.

 

[Valentijn]

If I remember correctly, the following is referring to invisible health conditions.

Mental health conditions specifically, but it's definitely a good message for all invisible illnesses

 

[Living Dead]

and if someone does suggest some lifestyle intervention/treatment that I've already decided against, and which has been suggested to me many times before, then I'll just explain that and thank them for the thought - what is the big problem with this?

The big problem is that people never listen to / believe the explanation (or they thwart it or invalidate it) and reiterate the same advice.

Edit:

12. “At least you still have your sense of humor.”

I really don't see the problem with saying this, as long as I know the person saying it acknowledges that I am ill.

Edit 2: Some people do believe explanations, of course, it's just I remember the annoying people better.

 

[CFS_for_19_years]

@PatJ, you might like other things that Toni Bernhard, the author of the above article, has written. She has published several books and writes regularly for Psychology Today. I've read "How to Be Sick" and can't recall if I've read her other other two books. See http://www.tonibernhard.com

Toni Bernhard is a former law professor who has authored several books on dealing with chronic illness. She publishes regularly on her blog, "Turning Straw into Gold."
© 2015 Toni Bernhard, How to Live Well with Chronic Pain and Illness. Reprinted by arrangement with Wisdom Publications, Inc.

I might have found this here on PR or somewhere else, I can't recall now:

 

[SOC]

I might have found this here on PR or somewhere else, I can't recall now:View attachment 12998

That BINGO board belongs on the refrigerator of every PWME who has know-it-all guests (I'm fortunate not to). I could see myself hopping up in the middle of one of those I'm-going-to-fix-you conversations. "Excuse me, I have to mark that one off on my card. I almost have a BINGO!"

Maybe on the coffee table would be better so we don't have to expend the energy getting to the kitchen.

 

[alex3619]

"Excuse me, I have to mark that one off on my card. I almost have a BINGO!"

 

[barbc56]

"Excuse me, I have to mark that one off on my card. I almost have a BINGO!

That's hysterical! If I had the energy, I'd be half tempted to set up a situation where I could use it!

@CFS_for_19_years I'm definitely going to get the book. Thanks!

Barb

 

[PatJ]

@PatJ, you might like other things that Toni Bernhard, the author of the above article, has written. She has published several books and writes regularly for Psychology Today. I've read "How to Be Sick" and can't recall if I've read her other other two books. See http://www.tonibernhard.com

Thank you for the recommendation. Her books sound interesting. I've just read a few of her blog posts. 8 Pet Peeves About Doctors has a point that some doctors really don't seem to understand:

8. Doctors who ignore any health problem noted in my medical records unless it’s within their area of specialization.

The problem here is that my body isn’t divided into areas of specialization. If I’m prescribed a medication to treat one part of it, other parts are affected.

 

[barbc56]

This is somewhat related. A recent incident comes to mind and it's something you probably wouldn't see if someone has an illness that's more apparent. I think this attitude is prevalent in my generation, the baby boomers, but certainly not exclusive to my age group.

It's when others aren't supportive as they think it would be enabling your sickness behavior. Also the notion that someone needs to hit rock bottom before they're able to recover. This is utter bullshit and I believed it for a while. But I had discarded the notion decades before my illness. Unfortunately, my family sometimes buys into this.

A book I read several years ago, I can't remember the title, was about a father who was dealing with his son's drug addiction. The message he got from the people at AA, it may have been Al Anon for those dealing with family member's addiction to drugs, was that someone needed to hit rock bottom before he/she would have the capability to help themselves. Later, he finally realized that if he hadn't intervened, his son would have died.

Another way of blaming the victim. Sometimes people need help or support but it doesn't mean you are automatically enabling that person. Sometime, there's a fine line between the two.

Nothing wrong with AA as it's helped a lot of people. I'm curious if this is still promoted. Of course CBC more or less has this attitude, because you learn to not have "illness beliefs"and therefore you are not enabling yourself.

Maybe the CBC practioners need cbc that this type of thinking may be detrimental to patients.

Barb