welcome back tree (if I remember correctly), do love your name
I completely enjoyed your more than 2 cents (didn't keyboards used to have a cent symbol?). A lovely way to start my day.
One of the reminders that resonated with me is about relaxing in things as they are.
What I found in the teachings were a way to handle things better, sometimes. And gradually I learned to not worry about the times I didn't handle things better, but that took a long time.
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All that striving. Talk about missing the point!
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But I learned a little bit, slowly. I remember a turning point - I can't remember where I read it, but I read that so much would be better if we could just REFRAIN.
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So refraining sounded bad to me. I had to turn that over for a long time. But eventually I could see how it didn't mean giving up trying to seek justice. But it did help me understand the wisdom of respecting others' viewpoints, even when I was opposed to their positions.
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It helped me learn to speak less, and observe more. It stopped me from injecting my opinion too often. I sometimes taped "Refrain" near the phone so I would gradually learn to just let things go by, and not react.
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The learning to be less reactive is what helped me the most over the years. But still, I had my emotional meltdowns. Tears, anger, upsets. And I'd feel like such a failure as a Buddhist when that happened. Where was my equanimity? I'd be going along, thinking I had it down, and boom! I'd be a mess, like I'd learned nothing at all.
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And then - breakthrough! relief! I read that the Dalai Lama himself enjoys his hobbies and interests,
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And then I learned that when someone asked the Dalai Lama if he gets angry, he said, yes. And not only does he get mad sometimes, but he gets mad at family, just like me!
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And then I heard Pema Chodron say that her children tell her she's incredibly uptight all the time! Just like I am sometimes!
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What a relief! Finding out these things about such esteemed teachers helped liberate me from my misunderstandings about emotions, attachment, and so much else that I had struggled with in Buddhism. I had for a long time found bliss there, alternating with struggle. Now I could relax and just let it all be.
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Where I am now is just going for acceptance of mind states, observing them as flowing, transient places, and extending lovingkindness when I can, and not trying to be "the best little Buddhist" with some A-plus practice of equanimity, kindness, or even meditation practice. It’s ok to just be where I’m at. No need to struggle.
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Any religion can be fundamentalist, even Buddhism. I recoil from the stick, and have learned to relax with teachings, not use them to flog myself, or others, or compare progress.
You can see how much I loved your post, I've copied over 1/2 of it! Love that you use the term 'flog'. I call it self-flagellating. When I realized that if I 'caught' myself caught in some egoic judgement of myself for being some way that was not how I wanted to be - eg angry, upset by something, judgmental, full of pride...... then I created a 2nd level egoic drama and would beat myself up for it. The ah ha came when I realized this was the same ego play, just in a new disguise!
Think I mentioned in another post that one of the tools that helped me no longer self-flaggelate was the idea of emotions being like clouds in the clear blue sky of being. They come, in whatever form, and they go. I developed my own little mantra derived from the Rocky Horror song "don't dream it, just be it' and changed it to 'don't be it, just see it'. I also use the tai chi move of
cloud hands - even when I'm lying down, a wave of my hands is great at reminding me of the transience of thought/emotion/all things.
But even that isn't quite how things work for me. I do get angry, hurt, jealous, sure I'm right......... But I try to have that little bit of space where I can see that I am being these things rather than being them unconsciously. That little bit of space lets me choose. (she thinks to herself) "Okay - I'll enjoy this, but I won't be attached to the enjoyment". or "Oh, I'm feeling defensive, ah the old father pattern, let's let that go" And when I find that I've been unconsciously in a state for a while, instead of getting angry at, disappointed with myself, I shrug and use Gangaji's powerful weapon 'so what'. That's just human nature. "Hello old friends" And sometimes I can bring curiosity to it, seeing why a particular state arose, without getting trapped in the story of it all or wanting to change it at all.
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We all are just going along in this life. I have so much to learn. In fact, one of the things I read along the way was a book by a Buddhist laywoman, and she said, "I have so much stupidity to get rid of before I die!" Oh, yeah!
I do find that over time some of my stupidity does goes away after I've caught it and made a decision to not play it out enough times. But guess I feel that I'm so full of stupidity, I don't care if any of it goes away. I practice maintaining that tiny space of self-awareness so that I can sometimes choose not to be stupid when stupidity arises.
I still make judgments all the time. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad, or if it matters. I try to refrain from verbalizing them as much.
These days, I’m working on skillful speech. I have a lot to learn there, and it would help my life and others in my life if I learned to not say anything unless it’s true, necessary or kind. I’m listening more and talking less. I like the feeling of that. There’s peace in that....
I'm trying to pay attention to this too. I love to ask myself if I'm being kind. Kind to others. Kind to myself.
Not having to convince anyone of anything – maybe that’s part of letting go of ego attachment. Not having to be a star, or compete, or try to be the best, or the most popular, or the most golden, or all those things that were an exhausting wheel.
So, what I've found ultimately in Buddhism is some help with learning to be less reactive, and also maybe some islands of equanimity I would not have found otherwise. I have gotten away from the complexities of the teachings and live more with things like "refrain" and "be kind" and "relax" and "enjoy" and "maybe so" and "okay."
islands of equanimity - nice! I am learning to rest in the play of it all - ego, non-ego,
I’ve learned that compassion does not require that I be a doormat, and I so appreciate what Koan (I think it was her) said here about how good boundaries are a good thing for others, because it prevents their suffering. Yes! So well put. I will keep that in mind.
ah - yes - yes. Just like non-attachment does not mean non-caring, non-involvement. That was a stumbling block for over a decade for me!
ah tree - thank you for a wonderful morning.
islandfinn
ETA Will I ever get used to the timing on forums? 4 posts while I'm writing mine. Oh well - sorry I missed you. What you'all said!
