Well, one suggestion would be to change how your are dealing with the situation during the day. Let your feelings out and have a normal response (anger, sadness, some morning) through the day. Whenever this hits you, let it out. IF your subconscious mind knows you are already expressing your unhappiness over the situation, it might do something more supportive at night.
I really dont know how to let my feelings out. As a child, I got brought up as it was wrong to cry over things.
When I do get emotional (something I find hard to do.. Ive many a time talked to a counsellor about my big issues while being completely emotionless...I can talk about how one time my daughter actually did die on me.. without actually feeling a thing. It's like Im a third party to it all and what Ive been throu.. and I dont often manage to get myself properly in the first person headspace).
I guess having Aspergers dont help with this area. IF I do manage to properly feel emotions, I usually like explode and then cant deal with them.. (start self harming as most other coping strategies dont work for me.. watching myself bleed is a distriction technique which does distract me from emotions if I go into a mess due to them... due to the Aspergers I can get inconsolable..so it can get to a point where talking to someone dont help me.. exception to this is with my lover).
To actually feel negative emotions.. I usually have to like talk myself into dwelling on the stuff and talk myself into being negative.. over and over negative until I feel negative.
Also, during the day, when you feel upset about the situation, maybe create a kind of 'forgiving' meditation. Relax and visualize yourself telling your daughter that while her behavior makes you sad, you love her and are going to forgive her.
Im not at all angry with my daughter, only sad at times.. Im extremely compassionative about her behaviour. I dont blame her at all, I dont want an appolgy from her, there is nothing to forgive, I understand her headspace is abnormal.
I know she has Aspergers too, so I dont feel at all mad at her. No blame towards her, I just feel sorry for her. (who knows, maybe she picks up that I feel sorry for her which probably would add to her anger).
Take time and really imagine this. Then imagine her saying she is sorry, and know that some day this will happen.
Sometimes it is very hard to forgive people while they are still wronging us, but that can be an important message to your subconscious, even if you still are figuring things out and maybe have not completely forgiven her yet. If you work towards the intention of eventually forgiving her
If she truely dont care if I live or die (which she doesnt).. I truly cant see her ever saying sorry to me. I dont even care about if she ever says sorry to me or not.. getting an appology from her for her actions is completly irrelevant to me, she cant help how she is. (many of my other family members probably think she should say sorry thou..but I truely dont care about words like that). I just want to see her and have her seeing me.
Here is an example, something that just happened to me. This is not exactly like your situation but maybe there are some common points. A few weeks ago my High School age son told me he hated me and also hated his mom.
Anyway, I was shocked and surprised and he would not tell me why, but things were strained for a few days while I learned what was 'really' wrong. Turned out he was having a social issue at school and in the neighborhood.
My daughter used to tell me how much she hated me almost daily when she lived home. She was really bullied at school and I was the one she used to take all her frustrations out on. Thing is.. she never would talk to me about the issues she had. I tried and tried to get her talking to me but with no luck at all. She hated me for making her go to school (I would of home schooled her if I havent been severely sick with ME).
She finally got her way and dropped out of school before she was legal school leaving age with the consent of the education dept as school after trying hard to do so, couldnt do anything with her either and saw her more as a problem to keep her there. She'd walk out on them and be in the park getting smokes from adults in school hours. In the end the school even stopped ringing the police when they discovered her missing again.
At that point as I was too sick to be dealing with a child with severe issues, she went to live with her father and wouldnt speak then to me (which is something else she hasnt forgiven me for. her having to go to her fathers to live thou it was her choose to go..but I wouldnt allow her to come back). I was happy she'd gone to her fathers to live, she was completely uncontrollable and I was unable to help her and very worried about what else she'd end up doing.
(She had her own childrens psychologist from the age of 4 years due to violence and putting holes in the house walls to she was 13 years.. and didnt really tend to speak much to him either.
At 8-10 years old.. she'd bite people if she got mad at something, even strangers in a shopping centre. I once got thrown out of a major store due to that..she threw all the clothes racks over and then bit HARD (she could draw blood), a stranger in the lift).
I used to have to actually sit on her at times, to stop her hurting people or running in front of cars as she'd just run off on me if she got angry (she could get that angry just from me telling her..no I wouldnt buy something for her in the shop).
I even ended up trying to get her to go to counselling with me.. but she refused. (this was all from the time she was about 13 years old.. when I stopped allowing her to sleep in my bed and also got a boyfriend).
My relationship issues with her actually go that far back... with many years of her not speaking or refusing to see me at all.. and then speaking to me again (but only at family functions when she was in the mood to do so).. to how she is now.
Some children are like that, one minute they hate you the next they think you are great.
Asperger children arent always like that.. the slightest thing they percieve as a wrong doing even if it was something which couldnt be helped.. a grudge is formed and sometimes nothing seems to change it and harder to solve when they then, refuse to even be in your presence or speak to you.
They often find it hard to percieve things from the other side of the fence and may not understands the "whys" of why something happened.
My daughter blames me for a bad upbringing as I was too sick to care for her and couldnt give her the love and affection she needed at times, cause I was stuck in a black room when she was 7 and a half, unable to handle light, sound or touch. I couldnt even hug her, it hurt my body far too much and from there.. thou things improved .. i was extremely sick still.
She truely believes I destroyed her childhood, she blames me for not getting her glasses when she needed them (I tried but never was unable to follow up appointments as I was too sick to leave my house and had no one to help me with my kids.. and one eye doctor didnt believe she had issues).
She's very messed up.. so she has nothing to appologise for, I understand she is completely messed up and has big issues. I have nothing to forgive myself for either as I couldnt have changed being so unwell. I still believe I was lucky not to have died during that time
I can not have her living with me due to the ME and her aggression (she scares me at times), the stress (and also mess..she cant organise or clean up after herself and is EXTREMELY unhygenic) she causes.
That was the thing which caused her not to be talking to me again 2.5 years ago when she already had a heap of issues against me from the past, but that doesnt mean I didnt love her.
She thou equated the fact that we cant live together with me not loving her properly (completely black and white thinking) and wont believe otherwise no matter what I or others say.
Im so glad things worked out between you and your son.
