I tried to Skype with my team during a session they were having, and I couldn't really contribute, and now I feel not useful, and I really miss working.
They were all together in a really cool-looking working environment. They were being productive and having fresh ideas... they tried to tell me about them and I just couldn't take it in. It was just words to me. I tried hard to follow. I couldn't.
After several moments of hearing the words they were saying but not being able to take in the meaning, I said a warm goodbye.
I don't feel like I can tell them things they want to hear - not even encouragement because I can't ascertain what they need to hear right now, and I can't give them genuine compliments because I don't understand what they've been doing.
I can't have an opinion on what they're saying because I can't remember what my ways of doing things are.
Maybe I can do a bit of one-on-one conversation... I did that for a few mins last week with one of them on the phone. But with several of them, over Skype, jumping around across many different topics... I just can't. This stuff used to be what I enjoyed the most, what they're doing today.
I cried when I got off the call. I stopped working in November, after weeks of not being able to get myself to do small tasks.
It's so strange how I can do emotional conversations, but I can't pull together lots of information/factors to come to ideas or decisions easily. I can't jump around between ideas. Maybe there's other planes of understanding of what the problem is... I don't understand why I found it so difficult to understand them. Maybe it's that I can't take 'imaginative leaps' or assume other information when they say sophisticated things...
If I ask a question and don't get a straight answer, I don't understand what they've said. Maybe that's why I find therapy so difficult to understand at the moment. Maybe I need to hear within the bounds of what I'm expecting to hear. It sounds like I'm narrow minded! I don't want to be this way. It's not an emotional block. It's like... a meaning block.
I feel like I have brain damage. My brain just isn't working. It did used to work!
I'm worried that they're not doing the right things but I'm not even sure if I know what the right things are - I'm not in a mental place where I'm able to direct them. I wish I could do this.
Well, this experience has really brought home why I'm not working now. It's been enough time since I haven't worked for me to have forgotten that my brain just won't let me.
I suppose that if I stay within my limits, I won't get upsetting moments like this where I feel inadequate. Maybe when I'm a bit better, Skype calls like that would be something to build up to, not something to start with. One-on-one stuff might be a better starting point, when I get to a point where I feel capable of building up stamina.
I'm sad I'm not working. I'm sad that being ill has taken away the joys I took from building relationships and building my career and my business. And my income, too. Maybe I'll get some of that back one day. But it's already been a few months since I've been missing out on this significant part of my life. I wish I knew how long I was going to stay ill for - then I could prepare myself.
Tried to work - it just didn't work.
Blog entry posted by lior, Apr 7, 2018.