So many thoughts!!

Blog entry posted by Seven (formerly lnester7), Dec 9, 2017.

I am writing as a form of journaling a guess. Hope can be a dengourous thing!

I think I can hope to get well now ( I have random brain feelings and my POTs and colitis are still there).

I am thinking of quitting all pills. Just to give this a real shot, make sure nothing is interfering.

I always thought that when this time comes ( cure) I would not be able to solve all the things I have been putting on hold.

See when I see myself on a difficult situation, I do not giving into feeling, over analyzing, I tend to focus on the task at hand, then I deal with emotion once I am a bit stronger and out of a situation so, I keep the head cold.

I thought every now and then I had like PSTD like feelings toweards CFS, I thoguht if I were to fall into bed again, there is no way I could rehab again( at this point I have done it like 10 times, achieving remission 3 times ( I think going on my fourth) but then I do something stupid and fall back into CFS black hole ( apparently I cannot excercise hard core, since I relapse every single time).
Again this time I feel like so fat and gross I wnat to hit the gym but won’t for a while.
Back to the point, I thought I would never be able to deal with the aftermath if I would get cured. How do you act normal towards the family that let you down?

How do you even have superficial friendships when you know when things get hard they will bail on you? So why bother to put effort into people.

How to forgive. How to even be part of people when I feel I was being torture for 10 years non stop and people look at me and I feel like: wow you have no idea.

I am sure people that go through very dramatic experiences feel the same. And I am sure
I will find normalacy but is hard to just be at this point.

I was afraid that I could not get over it, but now I try to stablish timelines and I realize I don’t remember a lot for chunks of times at the time when things were really bad. I was afraid I could not forget, and now I am afraid of not remembering. Is like when you have a baby where things become fuzzy and you forget the pain of labor.

I think I am going to write a book or a journal. Maybe will be good Therapy. I need to like deal with all this emotions at some point.
  1. Laluzhiker
    I started keeping a journal to try and correlate triggers for the major episodes that I was going through, but I really found it became more therapeutic than anything else. You sound like a younger me, going hard-core. I am now stuck where I can't do anything... there is no remission in my near future. If I do any level of excursion I crash Bad. You are in a powerful position of possibly managing this. I really don't know, but if you do have remissions, please try. God, I know, though, how hard it is., but you are stronger than you think. I understand what PTSD is, and that we who have suffered this pain certainly have that badge. It doesn't seem fair, what's happened to us, but we have no choice but to try. I haven't, in that I have sought out several doctors that give me hope. But, I also get the comment about friends bailing - they certainly have, but it's understandable at some level. It would take an extraordinary person to remain given our state. I also agree to be careful with taking yourself off of your medications. I have strong feelings that some of mine (at least the strengths) are not necessary, but I've also gone through a painful withdrawal, and just not something I will play with without my Doctors input. Take care, and Best Wishes!
  2. tabbyj29_11
    Yes, writing is very helpful. It is a great way to express yourself and put some thoughts and emotions into words instead of just so cluttered within oneself. I wish you all the best with your healing journey. :)
  3. Runner5
    If you quit all pills be careful if any are psych meds, they require a long drawn out cut down process and many have withdrawal effects.

    Happy Holidays, hope you have a nice season, I know what it's like to get isolated - but I have a grumpy old cat ;-P
    lnester7 likes this.