I am writing as a form of journaling a guess. Hope can be a dengourous thing!
I think I can hope to get well now ( I have random brain feelings and my POTs and colitis are still there).
I am thinking of quitting all pills. Just to give this a real shot, make sure nothing is interfering.
I always thought that when this time comes ( cure) I would not be able to solve all the things I have been putting on hold.
See when I see myself on a difficult situation, I do not giving into feeling, over analyzing, I tend to focus on the task at hand, then I deal with emotion once I am a bit stronger and out of a situation so, I keep the head cold.
I thought every now and then I had like PSTD like feelings toweards CFS, I thoguht if I were to fall into bed again, there is no way I could rehab again( at this point I have done it like 10 times, achieving remission 3 times ( I think going on my fourth) but then I do something stupid and fall back into CFS black hole ( apparently I cannot excercise hard core, since I relapse every single time).
Again this time I feel like so fat and gross I wnat to hit the gym but won’t for a while.
Back to the point, I thought I would never be able to deal with the aftermath if I would get cured. How do you act normal towards the family that let you down?
How do you even have superficial friendships when you know when things get hard they will bail on you? So why bother to put effort into people.
How to forgive. How to even be part of people when I feel I was being torture for 10 years non stop and people look at me and I feel like: wow you have no idea.
I am sure people that go through very dramatic experiences feel the same. And I am sure
I will find normalacy but is hard to just be at this point.
I was afraid that I could not get over it, but now I try to stablish timelines and I realize I don’t remember a lot for chunks of times at the time when things were really bad. I was afraid I could not forget, and now I am afraid of not remembering. Is like when you have a baby where things become fuzzy and you forget the pain of labor.
I think I am going to write a book or a journal. Maybe will be good Therapy. I need to like deal with all this emotions at some point.
So many thoughts!!
Blog entry posted by Seven (formerly lnester7), Dec 9, 2017.