Shouting into the void

Blog entry posted by Nightingale, Jan 6, 2019.


I've been uncomfortable and in pain ever since I got CFS, but this past week has been awful. It seems like every day my whole body is covered in flu-like aches and pains. Every muscle and joint cries out for attention. No amount of bed rest, pillow rearranging, hot baths or ibuprofen seems to help. I broke down crying tonight from just the steady, consistent pain every single day. I'm starting to consider taking marijuana even though I've never done any drugs in my life, never even smoked a cigarette, and it's illegal in my country, and I can't even afford it.

It's funny how when the emotional toll starts to lessen a little, the physical side of things gets so bad that you have to deal with that sort of frustration.

It's times like this that I think those bad thoughts. Oh you know the ones - the thoughts of "why did this happen to me and not some other crappy people I know" or "Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and be cured"

I mean, I've gotten a bit better this year, but recovery still seems so far away. Maybe I could deal with the low energy if it wasn't for the pain, the pain, the pain, the pain every single day.

All I can do is listen to Marcy Playground's "A Cloak of Elvenkind" and drink my double gin and tonic and cry. Maybe once a month I let it out. The physical pain just seems so much harder to deal with than the emotional, because there's so little I can do.

About the Author

Total weirdo rocking M.E. since 2015.
  1. Ineedausername
    Everything you've written is totally relatable and understandable. Sometimes we have to sagely nod our heads to ourselves, admit it's shite and drink the gin.
  2. CedarHome
    4:14 am. (lets that settle)
    Sending love.
    Ineedausername and Nightingale like this.
  3. Raven Mom
    none of us are born able to walk through fire unscathed....we're meant to shout, so good for you @nightingale (I love your 'byline' haha~*~*).
    there's an element of chinese water torture about the ceaselessness of it at times that truly taxes believability!!! as well as endurability. I remember once trying to grapple and thinking 'for the love of god, I'd give birth twice a week FOREVER if never a whole 24 hrs like this again....
    sounds like you've got great spirit to draw on: tears, gin, humour, some good medicine in that : ) (actually, on a serous note, my former dr told me tonic water often had therapeutic effect for myalgia, I'd forgotten. the gin can be considered the icing on the cake!)
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