Extremely stressed

Blog entry posted by taniaaust1, Jan 10, 2011.

Ive been scratching/cutting myself trying to relieve my stress level (endophins) as Im so so stressed out as I have to attend an appointment in the city today and arent up to it at all. Cutting to relieve stress levels (for endorphin rush) is something I hadnt done in a while. So its upsetting Im finding myself doing this again. I dont know how else to get my intense level of stress down when Im forced to do things my health isnt up to doing.

I have diarhear bad so scared of making a mess (and actually did accidently go on my floor a couple of days back as I didnt make the loo), I cant talk properly still due to the pnemonia im still trying to get over and go into coughing fits and loose my voice and get dizzy when i try to talk to much.

Yesterday I was not capable of even going into a shop and getting a drink (my boyfriend who was up visiting had to as after I suggested we go down the street and get some milkshakes as i wanted a 10 min outting... when we arrived, I realised I was too sick to get out of the car). Yesterday at one point... I was actually crawling on my floor to get to my bed as I was unable to walk the several metres from one room to the one next door.

So im completely freaked at being forced to go to an appointment today so the whole thing is mentally affecting me. Its wrong Im forced to the point of collapse so often and I see that as a likely happenstance today, (I dont know how many floors the building has or how far I will need to walk).

The appointment is a court ordered forensic psychiatric one.... Im currently going thru the court system for something i didnt even do!!! Im stressed out as if they find me mentally unfit to plea.. Im worried that means they may not allow me to plead my innocence. i ARE innocent!!!.

(im up on attempted arson charges due to another near suicide.. as I was going to pour petrol on myself and burn myself up last year but did come round mentally at last moment so never tried to light up anything and instead left and tried to seek psych help, (then due to the situation of what nearly occurred the police were called and from there i was charged with attempted arson :( ..when I'd done nothing at all.. was suicidal but didnt go throu with the suicide at the time).

:( Im in so much trouble with things.... (i was mentally stable the first 10 years I had CFS/ME.. the lack of medical support etc has really gotten to me).

What's gonna to happen today.. i dont know.. im terrified about going to that court ordered appointment Im meant to go today.. Im far to unwell (I dont have a wheelchair or anything)... I dont feel like I can deal with it right now.. and im bound to have a fight with my boyfriend over this who has just showed up to take me. (I hate medical people as they are ignoring the CFS/ME and my situation).

About the Author

Doing a bit of a blog at http://forums.phoenixrising.me/index.php?threads/tanias-journal-of-drug-treatments-and-other-me-things.13903/page-4#post-273488
  1. Glynis Steele
    Hi Tania,

    I just wondered how you are keeping, after your recent appointment. Hope it didn't go too bad, and that you are back home safely. I understand if you are not up to writing back just yet.

    Hope you can write back soon. Take care.

    Love and hugs

    Glynis x
  2. Carrigon
    I'm sorry :( They always seem to treat us this way. I don't know what else to say, just that you are not alone, even though it feels like it. So many of us suffer with the same horror.
  3. Victoria
    Hang in there Tania.

    Try to think about what's happening right now, & not what might happen in 24 hours time. No doubt the stress & worry is contributing to your diarrhoea.

    Hopefully, you have manged to get to this appointment with your Boyfriend's help, as I type this message. You are not alone. Your Boyfriend is there for you, so let him help you.

    He is no doubt worried about you & may well offer suggestions which are difficult to follow (or impossible to comprehend).

    Just try to sit (or lie still) & concentrate on your breathing.

    Each time you feel the tension grip you, breathe in slowly to the count of 4 & then breathe out as slow as possible to the count of 7. Concentrate on relaxing your muscles as you do this. Do nothing but concentrate on the 'counting'.

    As you do the breathing & counting, start with your shoulders & relax each muscle (left & right sides). Then work your way down your body relaxing each muscle group, by the time you get to your toes, you should feel a lot calmer.

    It's the constant counting numbers that used to help me.

    Within 3 months, this breathing & muscle relaxing technique enabled me to drop my high BP as much as 30 points in 5 mintues (at times of high tension or mental stress).

    It takes practice, so don't give up if it doesn't work the first few times you do it.

    Can you tolerate Imodium? If so, can your Boyfriend get some from the chemist for you. This works really well for the diarrhoea. Despite the diarrhoea, remember to keep up your water intake. If you don't keep drinking water, you will get dehydrated & the drying out of your muscles & soft tissues will make the pain & tension worse.

    You KNOW deep down in your heart that you will get through this bad period in your life. You just have to BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.

    Believe in your strength. Your ARE a strong person. I know that from reading your many posts last year.

    When we allow terrifying thoughts to become the focus of our mind, it becomes too overwhelming to think logically & sensibly. I know as I've been there.

    I used to take changes of underwear & slacks (with a small towel & soap) to work when I went through that 2 1/2 years of chronic diarrhoea back in 2002-2004. It gave me a sense of security in knowing that if accidents happened through bowel problems, I could quickly & efficiently deal with them without embarrassment.

    I'm sure the hospital would have given you some psychological or counselling support. Make sure you have someone to talk to. It makes all the difference sharing your feelings with those qualified to listen & give advice.

    These are also several Help phone lines where you can talk to someone & pour out your worries too (if you haven't got someone with you 24 hours a day).
  4. 5150
    hi tania ... like i heard said on a PR thread: somebody should call amnesty international about what some of the countries are doing to ME/CFS people.(not that it would help anytime soon enough for you).

    you are in a tough place right now. once the freakin legal system gets hold of you, they just want more and more of you. best if you can do whatever they require now, get it over with, then disappear from them for a long time. if you blow them off, it only gets worse.

    that said, medically speaking you are in a bad place as we all are, because nobody is educated enough to know our truth. can you get a lawyer who can act as your advocate now? somebody needs to help you through this rough patch. a lawyer could intercede for you with the judicial process by getting a medical professional to back you up. you can't do this by yourself. And, if you are worried about a fight with your boyfriend, it sounds like he's not the one who can do the job alone either... if he were, you and he wouldn't be fighting during this time of your critical need.. I guess just accept that he can do little things to help you , but not the big things. and god bless him for that degree of help.

    now i know lawyers don't usually work for free, but you are going to have to explore how to get some low-cost or free legal aid if you can't afford it. in America there is the american civil liberties union, or the Public Defenders from the district attorney's office. I highly recommend that you speak with someone like that in your country.

    so sorry this is what is going on for you now, very bad timing. Stress is one of the worst things possible for all of us with this disease. ok, best wishes to you. Please, find that legal help. it sounds like your only way out .
  5. pinkytuscadaro
    I own a business and had to go to court over a tenant who was lying, it unraveled me too.
    I look back now and wish I had not let my mind make the situation worse than it was.
    I think we need to stop when we are in these situations and look at our thoughts, and bring ourselves back to the real reality.
    I am sorry for what you are going through; I have been close.
    The petro thing would have been so awful!!!!!!
    How old are you? Get a hold of yourself; things will be better.
    I will be thinking of you.
  6. hope love light
    Hope all goes well for you today with your appointment.
    I know the feeling of crawling on the floor to get around...I have been doing more squatting and crawling around lately as I am too fatigues to stand up right now.

    Thank goodness that you have your boyfriend to help you through the day.
  7. Snow Leopard
    Have you ever viewed a court session? It is not actually that big of a deal. The whole thing will be over in 10 minutes and there will be no major penalties even if you are found "guilty". All of this will blow over quicker than you might imagine.
  8. pamb
    Sending love and strength your way. I hope your boyfriend was able to be a help to you to navigate through the courthouse and the appearance. It is so sad there is no follow up, but please take hope from all that is happening this year - things are going to be changing for ME/CFS patients soon enough. This is the year we will start to see the light. We just need to hang on a bit longer before the medical profession finally wakes up. http://forums.aboutmecfs.org/content.php?318-A-Look-at-the-Year-Ahead-ME-CFS-CFS-2011
  9. Tammie
    not sure what to tell you, but I hope that you got thru your appt ok......I agree that there needs to be some way for them to take your physical condition into acct with any court appearances......so sorry you are having such a rough time.......hugs
  10. taniaaust1
    Why isnt my CFS/ME specialist wrot me a letter for the court that i need to lay down!!! etc.. Why arent they considering my physically health too??? Why are i being pushed into point of collapse???? Why are i being treated worst then an animal and my health needs not conisidered.. left time i went to court I collappsed due to the POTS and that .. (POTS i dont even get treated for and no one believes me thou a previous doctor diagonised and i know i have POTS).